To be bored hearing about these women's husbands?

[Chaosandchocolate]

I study with a group of women. A really varied interesting group, intelligent, lots of experience.
I feel awful criticising them because they are a lovely group, very supportive.

But every time we meet it seems there is a lot of conversation about their husbands. Grumbles about their lack of housework of childcare skills etc. All quite light-hearted and quite a few laughs.

AIBU though to be disappointed that nearly every conversation includes this. Or is it natural to talk about your partner. Is this typical? I'm separated so maybe I just can't find much to contribute, hence bored. But I don't remember doing this. Seems disappointing that bright women sit talking about their husbands.

Also this kind of venting I think simply helps women stay in crap relationships

Yes I feel that occasionally - but actually i assume things aren't as bad as they sound and it's exaggerated for a laugh. (Not feeling valued isn't particularly funny. Nor men feigning incompetence.)

It might be that it's safe. Mix of people with careers/sahm. I'm a single parent, no job so I know it's not easy to have lots to talk about.

Pretty sure I didn't do it but maybe I did. And yes, maybe being in the divorce process means I'm sensitive to it.

I think I am seen as being totally anti social because I don't do that. I think people know I am married, but few know DHs name, job etc.

He just isn't often all that relevant to other areas of my life! I don't hide him, and will respond if asked, but I don't start or join in personal conversations with colleagues or acquaintances.

Mmm! Maybe that is more weird than I thought!

Really boring. It always makes it seem like they have nothing else to talk about, almost like they cease to exist without their partners.

If you are studying together then maybe it’s an area of commonality that was established early on and now just become a habit? I certainly do discuss dh with friends but by no means is it the bulk of our conversations. Have you tried expanding the conversation and finding more likeminded group members?

Moaning about husbands is so tedious and unfunny. I got married at 40 having resigned myself to never finding the right man. I don’t moan about him to anyone, partly because he’s fab and partly because I think it is bloody insensitive to single people.

@dryice totally agree. Those I have heard do this seem to find having an incompetent ( but successful in his career) husband a badge of honour and it's almost a competition to see who's is worse!

I'm with you, OP. I find most of the female groups I spend time with heartbreakingly dull. I have stopped going to toddler groups as the mothers there only talk about their children and husbands and homes. Bores me to tears.

I am interested in other things - books / tv / movies / political affairs / travel... I love my kids and my husband, but they're boring to talk about for me - and twice as boring for others to listen to.

I was reading Nora Ephron recently, and she wrote about a feminist group she was in in the 1970s. She knew it had come to its close for her when the women took it in turns to share what they were going to stuff their Thanksgiving turkey with. None of them cared about what the others were doing, but they all wanted to tell what they were doing.

Their husbands are a subject close to their heart so of course they will talk about them.

Just this month I’ve had dinner at The Ivy and I worked with two A listers on the red carpet (Sting and Shaggy) but do you know who I talk about when I’m with my friends? Yup, it’s my dear husband.

I do think you’re overthinking this.

I understand the frustration, I always prefer talk about politics, tv, books etc. But people like to talk about their every day lives and rumbles and grumbles. It does get tiresome though if it's all the conversation is. Maybe try steering it towards something a bit more interesting?

It just seems to be a thing that they do together. They probably don't do it with anyone else.

Seems disappointing that bright women sit talking about their husbands

I find this sentence weird. Disappointing? Just 'bright' women?

I think all women - not sure who falls into the 'bright' camp or not - talk about a range of things, and some of it will inevitably involve their partner. Maybe a lot of it. Some people do it to offload, even unconsciously. Many do it in a natural, bonding way. I don't do it, but I accept it's place in conversation between all kinds of women.

It's unlikely to be scintillating, but it's often the low-level, domestic stuff that underpins groups and friendships.

I’m trying to think of current or previous groups of women that I socialise or work with and I can’t recall this happening. With a very close friend I might, but that’s would be a more serious conversation. Maybe it has become a habit in this group, as a sort of low level conversational commonality, like the weather or the traffic.

It might just be seen as venting, or letting off steam but it’s quite disrespectful - imagine how hurt those women would if they found out their husbands were casually discussing them in a demeaning way ?

(I’m not referring here to supportive discussions with trusted friends about genuine problems, just this kind of group put down )

I enjoy my time with female groups - either brought together by a common interest or circumstance and find that the conversation can go all over the place, from highbrow to the banal and back again but usually with great wit.

Lots of food for thought. It may have become an established habit. Thinking it over, there are possibly a couple who might be happier talking about other things.

I don't (can't) join in a lot so I must seem boring. I could try starting some different conversations.

I actually loved the female environment of toddler groups. Much of the time I was too tired for anything intellectual but I loved the solidarity and safe environment and even sleep deprived we managed a few interesting conversations. No husbands, house talk etc.

Those I have heard do this seem to find having an incompetent ( but successful in his career) husband a badge of honour and it's almost a competition to see who's is worse!
Yes, I think there is something that feels a bit like this. Very odd.

do you know who I talk about when I’m with my friends? Yup, it’s my dear husband. Somehow that just makes me shudder.

My friends don't do that, we all talk about us, whatever it is we are doing, what we want to do... yes, DHs may come into it, kids for those who have them, but not as the very centre of conversation. Or if they are I tend to lose interest.

I may talk about DH to family, well, DSis, if something has come up, but apart from "Yes, still working" there isn't much to be shared

Do they genuinely JUST talk about their other halves or is that what you pick up on? Do you just sit there expecting to be stimulated by intellectual discussion and just end up feeling excluded? Why aren’t you leading the convo to a topic you are interested in?

There are some genuinely lovely mum friends of mine who occasionally steer the conversation onto topics irrelevant to me. I just listen quietly or think about something else. If I want to get the discussion onto my favourite books etc then it’s my responsibility to do so!

Discussing DHs is just an update of their lives. If you wanted to share your recent frustrations it would be similar. If they’re not asking you about your life, then that’s the issue, surely.

Sad to think some mums might be judging me for limited conversation topics when i’m Just enjoying friendly supportive undemanding company.

I used to socialise in a mixed sex group of friends (some were couples). There was one woman who would always try to steer us away from talking about politics, etc. I couldn't work out if she had a fear of confrontation/discussion or had an upbringing that said certain topics weren't appropriate for group discussions.
She was clever and keen to discuss important issues one-to-one but not in groups. I wonder if your study group has a similar ethos.

I'm sorry I've been judgemental. I think they are interesting but maybe have forgotten how to talk about themselves. If anything I'm a little envious of their easy chat - but I just can't get on board with it.

I'm not really confident enough to steer the conversation in a group. I don't know what I was expecting. I guess my friends talk about all sorts.

I don't think I want the conversation to be about me. I'd be happy to hear about any of their favourite books, films, holidays, funny thing that happened to them etc. It doesn't have to be heavy. I get not everyone wants to discuss current affairs.

It's not all they talk about but it is every time.

Chaos, I don’t mean to be mean. You sound like an interesting person! You haven’t judged them to anyone but us on MN, and anything goes on here!

Maybe start with an experimental ‘I need some book/film recommendations, i’ve Got into a rut recently’ when there’s a pause in the talking. see what they say. If no one can then talk about ANY books then I can see why it feels a bit superficial to you.

I think it's often like this with groups who are bought together by circumstances rather than friendship. It's just easier to refer to a general and familiar topic than risk trying out new subjects which might offend or isolate. It's a bit like the school mums I know, we always end up talking about schools or kids. It is dull and exactly why I avoid groups as I am shite at this stuff even though I might sound convincingly knowledgeable.

Shaggy an A lister! Who knew?

JoanofNarc I'm rubbish at it too. When my eldest was in reception I once came home from a disastrous school playground morning and googled to see what affliction meant I was so poor at small talk. I'm a lot better these days.

Yeah, my friends don't do this, never have. I'm single so it would exclude me if they did. I've never felt excluded and would be questioning the friendship if I did. We just have other stuff to talk about (mostly reminiscing like sad 40 somethin gs).