Would you dump your friend for doing this??

[vinegarqueen]

First post, but I need to vent! I have a close friend who has been getting on my nerves for a while, as she keeps trying to drive a wedge between me and some other friends I really like, stoked some nasty rumours about one of them etc. I know she's had a lot of personal issues over the past year to deal with, but I am feeling quite wiped out by her behaviour.

The last straw now is her new habit of suggesting we meet up, and then when I say that is fine and what days I can do, she implies it's really inconvenient, like I suggested it?? For example:

toxic friend: Shall we have a coffee at the weekend? I'd love to catch up!
me: Sounds good. I can do Saturday at Costa.
toxic friend: I don't really drink coffee. And I'm so busy on Saturday I don't know where I'd fit you in.

I know it's not the meanest thing she has done, but honestly it's such a PITA and I don't understand why she is doing this to me after I have been there for her through some tough years. Would I be U to just move on?

I have already told her that it's not me asking to meet up and then being suddenly busy and allergic to coffee/gin/dinner.

I think I’d let this one drift.

When she says “ let’s get together” just say “sure let me know where and when”.

She most likely won’t reply. If she does but then says she can’t fit you in say “no bother another time”

Eventually she’ll just stop asking.

Sounds like my sister. Yea drop her. You might be interested to see the mumsnet threads on "wendying" too.

If this were a partner trying to isolate you from other support and manipulate you into feeling sad you wouldn't hesitate to call it abuse.

But it's not something we tend to categorise within friendships. We should though.

Firstly, only ever ask her which days she wants to meet and you pick.

However, how valuable is her friendship to you? Can you tone it down a bit for a while and reduce those meet ups? Or do you think her instability at the mo warrants a bit of patiently waiting it out / support?

She sounds a little jealous of the other friends and possibly wants you to be the one chasing meet ups with her?

Yes, let her go. How toxic her response is!

My BF can be a bit like that. ‘Oh can’t wait to see you. I’m available any time between 9.45-9.50 pm on the second Monday in five weeks’ time. Every other moment I’m doing exciting things with all my other exciting friends.’ However she isn’t toxic in other ways. Yours sounds horrid. Just leave the ball in her court and it will never be tossed back and you can spend time with give people who don’t want to be horrible to you!

I'd simply reply,ok....let me know when you can fit me in. She's being childish,and looking for a reaction,just don't entertain it.

Yes, I would dump them.

have you ever responded "so why did you suggest coffee then?" - or similar.

Otherwise I'd be inclined (as others have suggested) to leave it at "let me know when you're available" and let it go from there.

We've had the exact same thing recently with a friend of DH. Friend has been living in a foreign country but moved back to England two years ago renting a house in Town A which is about 9 miles from us. He called here once but we were out. He emailed us to tell us he called and asked if we could meet him for a catch up. We offered to meet at a pub between our two houses and got a response that basically said, "Oh I haven't been to City B (very near town A) for years! I have moved to town B now!!" Town B is a good 60 miles away.
DH and I are both having a head scratching WTF moment over this!

What copper said.

I did exactly this with a few people who live some distance from me and were suggesting we meet but expecting me to put all the effort/money in with catching two trains and three buses etc. to get to them. When I put the ball in their court by saying 'sure, just let me know when you can come to the town that I live in' they didn't reply! And I am happy to have drifted.

Thanks for the quick responses: nice to know that I am not U or overreacting in feeling this way, really.

Reading back about Wendying. I'm not sure that what she has been doing with our group of friends is actually a classic Wendy, as her rumour-mongering and moaning briefly had the effect of isolating a number of people from that group and splitting it (only a couple of us realised it was her doing the stirring). But she got to be at the centre of all with everyone talking to her. She isn't unpopular at all, and is invited to everything, but maybe she feels that way.

The idea of friendships being abusive is interesting - I can't believe it is the intention, but her behaviour does make me feel bad, and unfortunately I'm not in the position to give more support than I already am, and I don't want it used against me to put me down. Luckily I have a solid set of other friends.

???? kingdavid

The fact that you are even referring to her as "toxic friend" in your opening post strongly suggests this friendship has run its course.

Disengage, detach and concentrate on your other friends.

As pps have said, put the ball in her court by saying 'sure, let me know where and when'.