To be angry at the nursery/the other child

[stripesandspots10]

Before I start I will just say I do not condone my DS behaviour and it wasn't right of him.

So my Ex rang me earlier after picking our D'S up from nursery. He had bit another child. This has been going on for a while now and always happened on a Tuesday. We both thought it was linked to teething and both trying to teach our D'S that biting is wrong and isn't kind. Nursery have also been reading him books about biting to teach him. I did think it was odd how it only happened on a Tuesday.

Anyway today my Ex tells me that nursery have said it's 1 child in particular he bites as this child snatches things from him on purpose and goes out of their way to provoke him. Now like I said my DS needs to learn with words to say no that's not nice, rather than biting. He can't yet say many words but hopefully he is now learning that. But I'm angry at the other child and partly nursery for making us think it was teething or that our child was being malicious for no reason.

Would you be a bit angry too that they didn't mention this Before?? I just hope that the other child's parents have also been told that their child needs to learn to share and not provoke others. As we have been told to try work with our child not to bite. Which I have. I've been upset thinking my DS was that one malicious child when in fact he was trying to tell the child no.

So your poor baby is too young to really understand/ you're wonderful parents doing everything you can so really its fine but the other similarly aged child is deliberately provoking your child because it has the presence of mind to internationally antagonise your child in order to elicit a response where they're seen as an innocent party rather than the main perpetrator?- sorry yes you are being a bit pfb.

If your child grabbed a toy nd the other one bit him, would that be fine because your son started it?

Toddlers snatch and toddlers bite. They're only just learning the concept of sharing. Your nursery sounds like they're dealing with it. My DS was a biter. He grew out of it pretty quickly

I think you are being very unreasonable. The babies involved are aged 1! They have no sense and don't think through the consequences of what they are doing.

Dear MN, my DC is 1 and in nursery one day a week. He's at that grabby age atm, we're working on it and so is nursery. However, there's one child who always bites him if he does this. I understand that the other kids will get upset but I feel like it's only my child he bites, its like he goes out of his way to bum shuffle over to my son and bite him on any purpose. I'm so angry with the child and partly with nursery bit aibu to think the parents should teach the child not to bite??

In the nicest possible way you are being totally unreasonable. Snatching and grabbing is normal toddler behaviour and I'm sure your son is guilty of this as they haven't yet learned to share. The other child is not being malicious in the same way that your son isn't but biting is a much more serious thing to nip in the bud.

I understand that you don't like the idea of other children being a bit mean to your child but put please don't over react about this. My child has had a serious bite at nursery (20 months) and I can honestly say I haven't blamed the child because i understand that at this age its normal. Put your focus on nipping this in the bud as while it's not a serious issue now it will be if it continues - which I'm not saying it will and in all likelihood it's a phase that will pass.

They know what happened because my Ex has to sign a form when he picks our D'S up.

So your Ex knew what happened? Perhaps they thought your Ex had told you and you would already know.

If you’re annoyed, imagine how the parent of the bitten child is feeling? If your child is too young to know that biting is wrong, their child is too young to know that snatching is wrong, surely? I have no idea how you can be annoyed at the child.

You are angry at another child for snatching while yours is bitting? Boring is not an appropriate response to snatching. The appropriate response to snatching is a verbal outburst like "no!" or "mine!" or shrugging it off. Snatching back at a stretch.

As many have said, they're both young children. Also, as nursery workers, you can't divulge who has been hurting or upsetting your child. So the parents of the child who keeps getting bitten by your DS won't know who it is who is biting them. It's not something they should be sharing.

It sounds like your DC is quite young so I assume he's in a day nursery. I've worked in 2 day nurseries for 4 years and we aren't aloud to tell parents thing like this about other children unless your child has been physically harmed, even then no name can be mentioned. So I don't think yabu to be a bit annoyed but it's not the nurseries fault and at this age children are still learning right and wrong just like your DC is learning not to bite. I'm sure the other child's parents have been informed too x

Both of my children went thro both stages as toddlers, biting is by far the most serious behaviour of the 2. While they are completely normal behaviours my 10 year old still has a scar from a bite he recieve age 2 which needed hospital attention, funnily enough he has no memory of the snatching. You are being ridiculous laying blame on the snatching child.

YABU. And bare in mind that the parents of other child are probably far more upset that their child was bitten, which is much worse than having something snatched from them. Agree with PP that it’s almost certainly not targeted or vindictive at that age they are too young.

That said, I’ve been in your shoes with a biter (I used to drive round the block until the car park was empty so I didn’t get the latest “bite news” about my child in front of another parent!) and I know the emotions you are going through and it’s totally understandable even if it is unreasonable. It will pass, pretty sure in our case it was just frustration from my child that they couldn’t communicate their upset to a carer. Most, if not all, other parents understand as long as it’s not a recurring problem for months. Similarly the other child will learn not to snatch and the trigger point will go away.

Probably best to save your energy for a few more conversations with DS about it rather than worry about the other child. I know it’s horrible, but this will pass.

Having been the mum of a biter with my eldest, I understand how you're feeling. I was devastated our son bit the daughter of one of OH's co-workers.

That being said, you cannot blame the other child. As with biting, snatching is a normal toddler reaction they have to learn to change.

I would expect the nursery to do more. If they've identified it's the same child your LO is biting each week, then I would expect them to keep them away from one another. They should be doing more to protect the other child frankly.

When my eldest was going through this, our childminder had to keep him more strictly supervised at times. He did quickly learn and grow out of it.

You are reading too much into it. Most children do something, hit, kick, bite, scratch, snatch, push.

Don't worry about the other child, just concentrate on strategies to help your child stop biting. And it's not something that happens overnight, you need to be calm and consistent with your approach. Ultimately you are aiming to teach your child that no matter what the other child does, biting is not acceptable. Obviously your approach needs to be age appropriate. Get down to his level, be firm and concise "No, we do not bite" and remove him from the situation. And make sure that Nursery are doing the same. Although prevention is best it's not always possible.

My youngest was a biter and I'm a childminder, it was mortifying when he bit one of my mindees so hard that he drew blood 😩.

Yes you are being unreasonable. You're being much more judgmental towards the other child's behaviour than your own (when in reality, biting is a more serious problem to get a handle off).

They're both babies and not capable of regulating themselves just yet. Sounds like nursery are dealing with it well. You need to concentrate on helping them tackle your son's biting issues.

I would make an appointment with the nursery to talk about what they think is th trigger, how they deal with it and see how you can deal with the behaviour at home so it can be consistent with what they’re doing on their side.

As other people have said, kids are not malicious at that age. Biting and hitting has more to do with not being able to talk properly. And I’m saying this as somebody whose daughter was at the receiving end of a biter for a couple of months. I understand it’s horrible for both parties and you can’t put blame on either child.

Also I’d think that if he does it because he’s teething, your DS would more than likely bite you or his dad too.

At 22 months there's not much you can do at home about a behaviour that only occurs in response to specific stimulus at nursery. You still need to know just as part of understanding how your child is getting on at nursery; and you can keep an eye out if a similar stimulus might occur in a home setting (e.g. friends round to play). But don't see how OP can have strategies to prevent her child biting when it's only ever happening at nursery - surely it's nursery who need the strategies in that case. 22 months is far too young to discipline hours after the event.

But if you don't know it's in response to a specific stimulus it could be very puzzling that you're not ever seeing that behaviour at home. Nursery can't name the other child, but they can explain that he bit in response to another child snatching his toy. I don't think that's an unreasonable ask.

I meant if the OP's son does the same at home as she didn't specify if her DS had siblings for instance or whether we was doing it in play date. I completely agree that kids that age would not understand being disciplined after the events.

D's doesn't have any siblings or cousins. Very limited interaction with children outside of nursery. He doesn't display this behaviour at home and has never hit or bit me or his dad.
Spoke with nursery and she said they are going to be working with both sides and parents which in happy with.

It seems to indicate that biting is not his default response when frustrated. That's good news. Keep communicating with the nursery and don't worry too much. It will pass. Soon enough he'll be shouting at each other with the other kids instead