To change my mind about kids?

[MyotherUsernameisaPun]

I always thought I wanted kids, and my partner definitely does. He would be an amazing dad and for our whole relationship it's just been assumed that it would be part of our future. I've always been able to imagine it and enjoy the thought.

But I'm really worried that I'm starting to change my mind. I love my life now and I know how much it would change with kids. And I've been a long time lurker (first time poster) on MN and every time I read a thread about some poor Mum dealing with difficult children I just feel such relief that it isn't me.

I used to get really broody over babies and while I still love other people's I've stopped being able to imagine having and enjoying my own. I just think about the sleepless nights, the lack of money, having to fit your weekends and holidays and activities around kids for ever more (or at least 18 years).

I don't know what to do any more. My family would be devastated (my mum is really pushing for DGC which is a whole other issue). I think my husband would be understanding but I also worry he would always be sad about it and might become resentful? And I feel guilty depriving him of kids when he loves them and would be such a great dad.

I don't know what to do. I'm 32 so I have some time before I have to fear the fertility cliff, but not much. I'm so lost and confused

Speak to your husband. Having kids is a massive decision and you have to want to do it. It’s not unreasonable to change your mind as such. That said, I would have been so upset if having agreed on having kids with my husband before we married, he had gone and changed his mind. Your husband might be a little upset too, but the only way forwards is to communicate about it.

I agree with pp. talk to your husband. Be honest.

I know, I really think you're right. It is something we discussed and we were on the same page once. I just feel so terrible that my mind is changing. I definitely do need to talk to him, I guess I just want to be sure in my own feelings first. I don't think I want to have them but maybe my mind will change again? I just feel really confused about the whole thing

Hmmm I know there are some people who regret having kids but most really don't. I would give this a lot of thought and although you can discuss your fears and concerns with DH bare in mind that this might be a game changer for him.

I know of people who thought they didn't want kids then changed their minds later but it was too late or involved a lot of heartache.

You must tell your DH. This would be a deal breaker for me and I know it would have for my DH too.

It's fine that you've changed your mind but you must tell him so can decide what he wants.

I totally understand your point of view. For all those regretting becoming parents, there are hundreds more who think they could never, or want to, imagine life without their children.

My best friend is childless and doesn't regret it at all. She is a warm, lovely lady and it's clear to see that not having children doesn't mean you are not a caring, nurturing or even maternal, person.

Go with your gut op, but obviously be frank with DH.

Good luck.

Do you think if you have kids even if you aren't sure about it you end up loving them and it all being fine?

I love my DH so much that I think if this was a deal breaker for him I would have kids just to make it work. And there's a big part of me that's just really hoping I could do that and it be fine, because I used to want kids so maybe I can access that part of myself again? I'm a very maternal person in lots of ways (LOVE looking after my nephew, used to work in a nursery which I adored etc)

@MrsDilber thank you

YANBU to change your mind, but remember to take MN with a pinch of salt! I often think that my DS sounds frankly demonic based on the tales I tell of him (and he has his moments when I look for the horns) but what I don't tend to talk outside of my family so much about are the lovely days, for fear of seeming smug. This place is naturally biased towards people looking for solutions to problems - a raft of 'today was lovely and my dc is an angel' would be really boring, after all!

@Fruitcorner123

Hmmm I know there are some people who regret having kids but most really don't.

Do you find it really difficult to understand or accept that some people really don't want children?

It’s a difficult one.
I always say you can get divorced or sell a house but you can’t give children back.
I’m 35 weeks pregnant with my first and still not sure
But I’ve always imagined my life with children and I didn’t want to wish in 20/30/40 years I’d had them so the choice i made was to go for it.

Only you can answer your questions but it’s definitely worth having a serious chat with your dh just to get them out in the open. Then maybe you can go from there.

Do you think if you have kids even if you aren't sure about it you end up loving them and it all being fine?

The myth of motherhood. Honestly, no I don't. Some people end up loving them and everything is fine and some people find their life limited because of parenthood and regret having children, even if they don't openly admit it.