Advice please on elderly mum

[cuddly61]

I suspect my elder brother is bullying my mum.basically she is scared to stand up for herself because if she dare disagree he starts ranting.
He is also bullying me and I have mental illness.
There is to much to go into but his latest is to ring my mum to tell her she has to choose between him and me as their power of attorney as at the moment we both are but these are not registered as my parents still have mental capacity.
So far he has lied about things social services has said .he denied my late aunt her last wish .who was my mums identical twin sister.
She had a massive stroke not long after her partner of 22 years finished with her. We was told she would not recover .all she could do was make noises like she was trying to talk and look at us and she was paralysed down one side.
They say people in this situation hang on to see a loved one before passing away.
I waited until my brother and parents had gone out and asked my aunt if she wanted to see her ex partner she did a nod downwards with her head and pulled my hand up to her ,I asked again to make sure she did the same.
I went out and told my mum my brother basically called me a liar.i was shocked at this .
My poor mum darent say anything apart from quietly say she wasn’t getting involved . He never even asked my mum what did she want to do he made the decision for her that I was a liar.
After he had gone my mum said she darent contact my aunts ex but someone else could I knew what my mum wanted and my aunt got her final wish to see her ex partner she passed away three days later to this day my brother doesn’t know .
But for my mum to be that scared of him at a time like that I find heartbreaking,she said to me my aunt would had wanted to see her ex partner she still loved him. But no my brother ranting made my mum scared to say what she actually wanted.
The advice I need really is does anyone know anywhere I can go for advice as I’m really worried about the way my mum is scared of him then today trying to make her choose between him and me as power of attorney.he has already threatened to report me to get me removed as one yet I’ve done nothing wrong.he just wants me removed so he has total control it’s not even registered and he is trying to rule everything .
So who should I contact with my concerns and am I right in thinking this is boardering on elder abuse.
I need to protect my mum I know she doesn’t want any trouble but I can’t let him bully her like this it’s bad enough he bullies me with his threats . Oh he likes to make out he is the caring son but underneath he is nothing but a bully.

Is your Father still alive , what are his feelings about this ?

I don't want to read and run...... is your mother supported by social services at all? eg a carer? If so they may be able to help/advise you.
Even if they are not, it might be worth giving them a ring to see if they can point you in the direction of somewhere you may be able to get help.
But I would make sure you try to keep your brother out of the loop, I wouldn't even tell your mum what you're trying to do, she may feel obligated to tell him.

This sounds horrendous I'm so sorry, I agree with not letting your brother or mother know that you are seeking advise. You can speak with your doctor or her doctor, social workers if they are involved? Gov.uk gives advise on the safeguarding of adults. I hope this gets resolved for you soon

I wouldn't say this is bordering on elder abuse, I would say it absolutely is emotional and psychological abuse.

Whether or not she has a carer, you can contact her local social services for advice. Most will have an adult safeguarding service you can call.

As an example www.kent.gov.uk/social-care-and-health/report-abuse

Ty everyone . Today he visited my mum and a lady from the sensory service came as my mum is blind. It wasn’t long before my brother took over then when the subject of carers first came up he produced a letter about carers first addressed to my parents from his briefcase and another letter concerning their welfare. I had not seen these letters before.then he told this lady he was our parents nominated power of attorney.im like what??? I quickly intervened and said we both have power of attorney but neither was activated.
Then after the lady had gone he started on me yet again saying he had advice there should be only one power of attorney,again tried threatening to revoke his and if I was ill there would be no one to help my parents,
Every thing he was trying to turn into something I had done.
Even the visit from the sensory lady and then another lady who clearly said the community nurse had asked her to come and do assessment as her memory was giving her problems but my brother tried saying that was my fault because about two months ago I dare contact social services very concerned for my parents after they both fell . I have done nothing wrong he is totally out of order. I have mental illness classed as a vulnerable adult he is trying to bully me into giving up my power of attorney in what ever way he can. And by telling my elderly mother she has to choose between us totally cruel and out of order.
He thought my mum would choose him over me but she made a excuse to get off the phone from him.
I joke about with my mum today I made a joke about her getting confused as that’s how my mum and I are he straight away accused me of trying to make out my mum had lost mental capacity so I could activate my power of attorney.he is unbelievable.
Then my dad has dementia,he has always had a eye for the ladies and as he does nothing now but sit there I play a game with him as the mothers walk by to the school marking them out of ten ,he is nearly 91 it’s harmless fun to keep his mind active .it was a laugh he would go to cut his front lawn right on 3 pm when the mothers walked by to the school only a few years ago.
But my brother made out I was a disgusting woman. I was having a laugh with my dad nothing wrong with that. Keeping his mind active.
My brother had brought him the guardian newspaper and put on his lap he just doesn’t know my dad well he has no interest in that kind of political newspaper I joked awww dad there is no page three.
I did speak to social services about the things my brother had been telling me but they wouldn’t get involved basically.
He also told one of these ladies today he had employed someone to look after his business so he could help our parents more another lie he still only visits once a week I dare ask him to go with my dad to hospital and he went on about he worked and he would have to pay this employee to look after his business and refused to take my dad to hospital.
He is stressing my poor mum out by starting these rows today I told him to stop as mum was getting stressed out as she could hear him as she was only sat in the room but he kept going.
My mum tells me to ignore him .
But I’m really worried about his self appointed authority and dealing with issues concerning my parents that I know nothing about,
His lies about social services then yesterday I found out he had lied about what dads carer had suppose to had said about me,
Today I kept saying we have to work together each one must tell the other what they are doing but he didn’t want to know,
Basically all this threats he is going to revoke his power of attorney and leave all the work to me is nothing but a empty threat his way of trying to get me to revoke mine and telling my mum she has to choose between us,
I have already spoken to my parents solicitor yesterday about him she said if he revoked his problem solved.and if he does as he has threatened to report me as not fit to be power of attorney then it will be investigated and they will find I’ve done nothing wrong.but I could also report him .
It’s just making my mental illness worse he is making situations that don’t exist ,lie after lie.

Believe your parents' solicitor. Ask her again you could appoint someone else to be a second person (to help advise you) if your brother decides to revoke. Also ask her if you would be informed if he went behind your back to get you delisted. I would also ask her if a third person could also be appointed otherwise your brother could bully you into a decision you don't agree with when the PoA is registered. Take a deep breath and good luck.

I would raise your concerns with the GP and social services if they are involved as if your mum needs to access health records it will be noted.
You definitely need to inform someone as this is bullying and abuse

Please report to your council's Safeguarding Team. There will be contact details on the council webpage.

Ty everyone .today I had a meeting with carers first I discussed this with her but also said my mum if she was asked would make out he wasn’t nasty to her etc .she just makes excuses .the lady said it would be difficult to prove without proof.
Yet again today when I arrived at my mums he was on his phone to someone complaining about the social worker and yet again mentioning he was power of attorney.basically he is demanding to know why the social worker rang me and not him and telling me he is ringing her because he don’t trust me that she did mention activating our power of attorneys,basically calling me a liar ,he twisted what I had told him he said I told him she had told us to do this I kept correcting him and said she only advised.
But he doesn’t know while he was ranting at me I recorded this on my phone for evidence if I need it.
My parents solicitor is aware of him now as I’ve told her so if he tries doing anything illegal she is going to know .
I just can not understand why he is being like this he started all this as soon as I mentioned I had talked to social services worried about our mum and dad after they both fell as I was so worried about them.
I told him this after he and my dads private carer rang social services late one night to say something about my parents not coping safe guarding issues or something but neither of them discussed this first with my parents or me so when I found out I said had he discussed it with me I could had told him I had already been in contact and had discussed it with my mum before I did .
Now he is on this power crazy thing ,the other day he told me there should only be one power of attorney.
I have suggested to my mum she removes us both and makes their solicitor power of attorney to stop him with all this.
It’s everytime he is at my parents he starts ranting at me. I go home when he starts now as I’m so sick of him .
I did want to talk to the safe guarding team but what can they do if my mum is just going to cover for him .
I remember a few years back I was worried how my aunts partner was treating her they said as she had full mental capacity they couldn’t do anything without her permission.
The only way I could try is to get proof but he is ranting at my mum when I’m not there but she tells me over the phone.
Unless I start a conversation about him when I’m with her and record it.
I don’t mind about recording my brother but recording my mum though it just wouldn’t feel right even though I would only be doing it to protect her.
The good news is this cpn today did a memory test my mum is ok .
Of course my brother had been accusing me of getting this cpn involved but I overheard the two of them talking and she said to him something about him telling her about my mum being down.
Strange that because she only called in last week for a few minutes at my mums while my brother was there so this proves he has been in contact with her yet tried making out in front of my mum it was me.saying there mum I knew you wasn’t ga ga the test proved it.
It’s just getting the proof .

How awful. This is elder abus and there are people to help. Is there an age aware agency you can contact.

I am not in the UK though. Your poor mom how awful.

What concerns me also is the way he gets in contact with the various agencies that go and see my mum if he is there. Like the other week a lady from the sensory service came to see my mum. It took a lot longer because he kept talking to her. This week he is at my mums I walk in and he is on his phone to this lady going on about who was this social worker who said about us activating our power of attorneys and what was her last name what was her phone number going on and on about how he was going to ring her and report her for saying this.
Now why would he get in contact with this sensory lady after she saw my mum that’s what I wonder. Then he is saying this lady has contacted the social services who said they rang my mum twice and twice she refused a assessment and there would be a charge. Strange that because the social worker did one around 19 April this year because she rang me afterwards that’s when she only advised to activate our powers of attorney.
But then this week I ask him why he had my mums assessment letter from carers first in his briefcase he didn’t answer that question but said he had given it to the sensory lady when she asked for it last week.
He had no right to keep my mums letters in his briefcase my parents both have a file they keep their letters in why would he have it ,then give it to that lady when neither my mum or I haven’t seen it.
Anyway the lady who did the carers first assessment did my assessment last week and I told her about this she said she did my mums assessment so she is ringing my mum to arrange to see her with me there to but not my brother.i told her my mum is scared of my brother keeps telling these agency officials he is nominated power of attorney when it isn’t activated.
I bet he got a ear full from the social worker if he did as he said he was going to and ring her because I have already spoken to her about his lies about what social services was planning and how he ranted on to me about reporting her and me. He doesn’t know this .
He also kept asking me exactly what she said he kept twisting it saying she told me to activate power of attorney I kept correcting him that she only advised. Then he more or less called a liar and said he didn’t trust me. Oh really he doesn’t trust me that is laughable after all his lies.
So this social worker will tell him I’m not lying but no doubt he will tell my mum and me she denied saying it as he won’t want to look the liar and fool he really is and he definitely wouldn’t apologise to me.
His latest lie is saying my dads carer said if my dad keeps taking his boot off that was put on for a fracture on his foot that my mum and me should take him to hospital to have a cast put on .