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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how to stop myself getting hurt?

5 replies

twinkledag · 24/04/2018 08:49

I try and be nice, I try and be kind. But I often don't get the same treatment back from certain people. If someone asks me for help, I take it as an opportunity to build on our relationship. Then I don't hear back from them!

I've been told I shouldn't give expecting something back.

I've been told I shouldn't respond favourably to those who don't treat me favourably - but that's not my personality.

I've been told I think too much and am oversensitive.

I love mumsnet as it has so many different personalities so I am asking you for your help. What is the best approach to stop myself getting hurt?

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 24/04/2018 08:58

Just be who you are and don't think other people are doing things to 'hurt' you.
They are just being who they are. Learn to accept that and decide who you want to bother with or not.

Adversecamber22 · 24/04/2018 09:22

You need to be able to spot users, there is a big difference between friends who do things for each other and it's mutual opposed to people that take advantage.

What you need to look at is your past I find a lot of people's self esteem stems for their upbringing. Having low self esteem often means being a people pleaser. One of my sisters can never ever say no to anyone , she has been taken advantage of many times both with her time and financially. Something really awful happened to her when she was young and it affected her self esteem. She is a lovely woman but a total doormat.

Laserbird16 · 24/04/2018 10:25

Do nice things because you value being kind, not because you expected others to reciprocate. That helps me. Plus remember you have rights too - you can say no, that's OK.

DunnoWhy · 24/04/2018 11:47

Whenever you do someone a favour or help them in any way by going out of your way, and they don't reply appropriately and you end up feeling used or unappreciated, it shows the true colour of the other person, who is not your type of person, therefore to be avoided the next time. She or he is selfish or thoughtless or a user or whatever and you are the opposite so you don't have the most basic thing in common with them. So next time don't help them. Even if they ask, give your conditions such as "Cant do it, I am busy with something else" etc. When you value yourself & your own time and show it, they will respect you more.
What they say is true, Do wrong me once, shame on you, do wrong me twice; shame on me. If someone make you feel used once, drop them. Don't give them a second chance. Give them the message that you won't tolerate it the next time.

Also if you decide to help someone, keep in mind that the other person might not reply the way you would expect. If you can afford to give without getting anything in return, then fine help them. Only give what you don't mind losing. When you don't invest too much, you won't lose out too much.

Remember, in your own world, in your relationship with your peers and colleagues and friends; you are the number one. So don't offer your help at the expense of your own needs. Never put yourself in second place. They will not notice whether your offer is at the expense of your own needs or not, all they will see is, that you are offering them something they want, and they'll happily take it without thinking whether it was a big deal to you or not. Because in their own world, they are the number one. And they take it. That's the rule of the game. People are programmed to prioritise themselves.

Also, in general relationships with friends and colleagues, never be too open and too accommodating. Always hold something back about yourself. Never open up too much. If they think they know you like an open book, they will take you for granted. If they there are things they don't know about you, they'll approach you differently compared to someone they take for granted.

twinkledag · 25/04/2018 08:23

Thanks so much. Good advice.

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