To be sick of parents not watching their kids

[cadburyegg]

I’ve put off writing this as I don’t believe my 3 yo DS1 is the model of good behaviour and nor do I think that I am the perfect parent. But it seems almost every time we go out I witness bad behaviour from other young kids and most importantly the parent does nothing about it.

Last week we went for a walk/DS1 was on his balance bike and 2 younger toddlers ran up to him wanting to use the bike, pulling at it and wouldn’t let him past them. DS1 got upset. One parent removed toddler the other did nothing.

The week before at soft play DS1 was going up some steps at the top and another girl same age started kicking him in the head (unprovoked). Parent nowhere to be seen.

And at playgroup a few weeks ago DS1 was eating a snack and a young just walking toddler came up to him and took snack off him. Again parent nowhere to be seen.

I can’t watch DS1 every second as I have baby DS2 to attend to but it seems some parents just deliberately ignore their kids either that or just don’t care.

AIBU to expect other parents of their young kids to be actually watching their kids and intervening when required? Do you ever intervene or tell off another child if their parent doesn’t?

Yes I intervene and tell off other children if necessary. Always nicely though!

A little boy tried to hit my DD the other day because she was using a piece of equipment in the park and he wanted to use it (she had only just got on, massive empty playground). I know kids do this, but his mum was all the way on the other side of the park. I didn't tell him off. I told him not to touch her in a fairly stern voice, though!

Hmmm when your baby ds2 is no longer a baby and you have 2 boys potentially running off in different directions you might have a different view on this. I remove my toddler if he's causing another child distress but most of the time I let kids sort things like this out for themselves (say age 2 and over) it helps them learn with conflict

So you admit you cannot watch your son "every second' as you have a baby to look after but you expect other parents to each theirs every second. Ok then.

I wouldn't be following my child round soft play knee they can handle the equipment they can go off on their own leave them to it he can find you if he encounters a problem and the you can monitor more closely if needs be.

I have to admit when mine were very young I had 6 and under I used to go places very early so places were not busy and that made things easier.

If you are having problems at toddler groups speak to the mum or the organiser. Simple.

YANBU! The other day we were at a theme park and DS 6 was in the kids playground. We'd treated him to a little toy and he was happily playing with it. Another boy (similar age) walked up to DS and tried to snatch it off him. When DS objected, the boy deliberately slammed the toy into DS face . DH intervened immediately and tried to locate the boys parents - absolutely nowhere to be found!!! We then felt compelled to alert security to the fact that this child appeared to be "unaccompanied" and when we left that area they were still struggling to find the accompanying adults.

It is really annoying. But it depends on the situation. In soft play etc then it can be almost impossible to keep close eye my DS all the time. But I do try.

Playgroups are different. Then I think it should be expected that parents watch as its normally quite possible.

I'm also in favour of other parents telling my DS off if they see him doing something he shouldn't. At preschool age I think it needs to be immediately, no point waiting 5 mins. I'll have a word with other kids (although not as firmly as I would my own!) as if their parent isn't there someone needs to tell them!

I can’t watch DS1 every second as I have baby DS2 to attend to

Thing is other parents might have the same problem. And if you're not watching your DS every second, you can't be sure what he's up to during that time either.

I'm not saying there aren't parents who ignore their kids or just don't care, but it may just be those kids were also caught at a time where someone wasn't able to be with them the whole time.

I have a 6 year old who is very unpredictable (SEN). They're getting better and 80% of the time they are ok, but there's always that doubt in my head and so I do tend to follow them round more than the average 6 year old. But there are occasions when things will happen when I'm not there. And if I find out about it, I will deal with it, but sometimes I just don't know. It's a really difficult line between leaving a 6 year old to play and trusting them, and knowing they can get frustrated easily so hovering round more than usual.

Anyway, I went off on one a little there, but I guess I'm saying perhaps sometimes it's not a case of parents not supervising, but more the kid being caught at a point when the parent wasn't on them the whole time.

Some people seem to assume that what their child is doing is cute or ok because they’re little despite it not being ok for any child to hit another

I actually think a lot of it comes down to some parents having very low expectations of their children. I've come across parents lately who give off this "oh look at little Charlie, he's exploring and he's just seeing how people respond and he's so little and he doesn't know what he doing..." type attitude. Everything is excused. It's cringeworthy and lazy to be honest, and those parents are scared to challenge their child through fear of them having a, heaven forbid, meltdown in public where they get shown up.

DD is 2.7 and would never dream of doing any of the above, and very clearly understands the consequences if she ever did.

I am the parent that follows her toddler in soft play. She's not great with other kids - she's easily intimidated and more than once I've found her backed in to a corner screeching, even if it's clear the other child is trying to be friendly.

I've only once had to tell another child off. She shoved my DD down a set of "stairs" in soft play. I unleashed teacher voice immediately but rather forgot my teacher voice is designed for 6 foot, 16 yr old lads, and gosh, the few parents who were in there came running. Not the child's parent though. She was terrorising everyone, all the other parents seemed to have half an eye on her when she was nearby too.

I've also got a baby, so I imagine it'll get harder when he's in there too, but for now I intend to continue being a helicopter.

I think it’s pretty obvious what I meant by my post- no I don’t expect people to watch their kids every second but some make no effort to do so and most of us have encountered this at some time or another.

Good point about letting kids resolve conflict though , I hadnt thought of it that way before.

YADNBU.
Mine are older now but when DD was around 3 I grudgingly took her to a local toddler group. Wasn't a fan of it myself as wasn't big on socialising at the time due to MY but knew she needed to be around other Dcs.
One week was half term and one Mum had brought her 6 year old DD along with her toddler. She was awful to the younger ones, snatching toys, pushing and shoving. Her mum sat on her mobile ignoring it all.
The prized toy in the group was a big wooden sit in car which was static so was used as both car and climbing frame. DD waited her turn to sit in it and got in. Big kid comes over and yanks her out by her arm, DD burst into tears. I asked the kids mum to intervene to be told "oh she's just playing
With that DD saw her chance to play with a doll and of course the big kid wanted it immediately. She shouted "it's mine baby give it now". DD looked at me, looked at the doll, and slapped the big kid hard.
Of course I told her not to do it again as it wasn't nice. The ignorant mum went mad at me telling me to control my child! I couldn't help replying in the same simmering voice she gave me that DD was only playing.
I changed groups after that. Hate that parents go to things like soft play or parks and think there's an amazing force field which means they no longer have to watch what their kids are doing.

I tell other people’s kids off or tell them not to touch my child if there about to push/shove.
I won’t allow someone else’s kid to push mine around in soft play and if there parents ain’t watching that’s not my problem.

I hate parents who leave their kids to it and claim it teaches 'conflict management'. It doesn't! It teaches YOUR kid that they can have what they want if they're bigger, and it teaches NICE kids that your kid is to be avoided. It's not teaching conflict management.

YANBU there is a difference between keeping an eye on your child while occupied with a baby and having absolutely no idea what they are up to.

My only advice is that you will need to get used to being firm with other peoples children. Avoid saying things like "that's not nice, you are mean" and use a firm voice to say things like "don't push, x doesn't like that, x is having a turn - you will need to wait your turn".

I hate parents who leave their kids to it and claim it teaches 'conflict management'. It doesn't! It teaches YOUR kid that they can have what they want if they're bigger, and it teaches NICE kids that your kid is to be avoided. It's not teaching conflict management.
Totally agree, we don't teach children to read by leaving them alone with a book, children need our guidance.

Yanbu. It’s actually worse when the parents are nearby and still can’t be assed to intervene when they see their dc misbehaving.

Not exactly the same thing but I was out the other day in a shopping centre and they have a little play area. I was in a toy shop opposite the play area and a little girl (around 1.5-2 years old) ran into the toy shop. It took her dad (who I could see in plain view) 10 minutes to realise she had left the play area! Then I could see the panic on his face and thought to myself why the hell did that take you so long?! I pointed out to him that she was there but couldn't believe how long it took him to realise. It could have ended very differently.

There was a mum at post natal group (we all had our 1st baby, all the same age) who would regularly just not "see" her DD hit other children, or take toys away from them

There were only 6 of us, who would meet up in each other houses, but she would always not notice what her DD was doing

It was really frustrating as we all had one child

but when there is a parent with more than 1 child that runs in different directions in soft play centre I get that that is hard work

I think the incident with the bike was quite bad and I would be annoyed about it. If I was the mum of either of these 2 kids , I'd be mortified. As for taking snacks at playgroups, these things happen. They are only 3. If my DC took another child's snack away I would tell him off but if another child took his away, I would not be too bothered.

It drives me nutty. If you have a child who is prone to grabbing, pushing etc, you need to be a hawk. There is a little girl at toddler group who is always grabbing toys from other kids. The Mum who is lovely is oblivious. Other parents are constantly having to intervene which is just awkward. I never used to push it with DC1 and always encouraged him to just hand over the toy and find something else, with DC3 I actively teach her how to stand her ground.

YANBU it’s lazy parenting and teaching kids it’s ok to run riot while our backs are turned. One woman I knew was completely oblivious to her boy hitting, snatching and behaving badly. I say completely oblivious but in reality she knew but would never say anything to him. Needless to say I avoided play dates with her.

I can’t watch DS1 every second as I have baby DS2 to attend to but it seems some parents just deliberately ignore their kids either that or just don’t care.

You just explained why YABU! You have understanding for yourself but can't apply it to others. I have a 3yo and a 2yo and often it's almost impossible to keep my eye on them both at the same time! They run in opposite directions and often I have to pick the most needy at soft play and follow him around (the 2yo) because he needs help climbing and also watching as he can hurt people randomly.

I have a child who I have always had to watch every second but I still get the 'looks' because people don't like what he is doing. It is usually noise or mess related rather than involving other children. So I think even when you do all you can it isn't enough for some.

Some parents just don't either appear to see their own kids doing these things or don't care. Years ago a school I worked at got trashed every parents night as parents dumped their kids in the hall and vanished! There were signs there saying not to but the parents didn't seem to care. And when they collected them to leave it was as if they didn't see the mess that was left. Rose tinted parent goggles I think x