Anxiety about starting over?

[lhastingsmakeup]

In 2016/7 I dropped out of uni due to depression (my sister committed suicide, amongst loads of other life setbacks like debt, being burgled, having a shit confidence destroying job etc) and I literally became a hermit. I deleted my social media and barely responded to texts/calls to the point where I just withdrew from everyone and everything. I left my job too - I used to work full time whilst at uni full time and had a very active social life so my life is completely different now. I barely left the house (like once a month) and would sleep all day and be awake at night so it was a pretty isolated time of my life

(Basically I just didn’t move back to my uni city after temporarily moving back to my parents over summer)

I’m slowly getting back to my old self. I’m back at uni this September and I have a new job now, but I really miss my old friends/life. It’s my own fault I know. I used to be much more senior at my old company and I really miss working there. I’m way behind at university- I’ll be 22 and back in first year so I feel like an absolute loser. I don’t know how to even reconnect with my friends as how do I even explain what I’ve been doing without them feeling like I’m strange. Aibu to feel a bit lost and anxious? I have set my life back loads and I don’t know how to move forward

(Also in regards to my job, I had two / one in my uni city which I loved and one in my home town which was awful)

You DO know how to move forward because that's exactly what you're doing. You're back at school and working again which is wonderful. As an older person, I wish I could give you the wisdom to see that you're not behind in anything. Life can turn upside down and the road paved with concrete we envisioned for ourselves quite often gets torn up. It happens to everyone at one point or another. Life is what happens when you're making other plans, and all you can do is roll with the punches, get back up and try again. You'll be just fine, I promise.

If your friends weren't there for you I would forget them and start afresh completeiy. You are still very young, great that you are going back to uni. Take things a step at a time.

Aquamarine1029 thank you so much for your kind words - i really needed to hear that i am trying to move forward and your post has definitely helped to calm my anxiety and see the bigger picture, thank you

RedHelenB it’s not so much that they weren’t there for me, it’s that I didn’t allow them to be. I would ignore texts/calls etc and deleted my social media so frankly isolated myself. On the odd occasion that i did respond/see them, I didn’t really let on that I was upset and acted like everything was ok so they wouldn’t have a reason to be concerned. I have been a shit friend myself, if anything. I regret that, but as I’ve been absent for so long I’m finding it hard to even say hello again

Hi Hastingsmakeup,

Of course you're not being unreasonable to feel anxious! It sounds like you had an absolutely horrendous time before you dropped out and tbh I think most people would have done the same.

Some of your thinking might be slightly unreasonable though so for example feeling old at 22 when it is soooo young and feeling very behind with University when really you'll still graduate by 25/26 so you'll still be very young and no-one will actually notice the difference between you and the rest of the 21/22 year old graduates!

I had something similar happen at your age and remember feeling so old but now at 30 I can see I was very young and that I could have started afresh and done anything at 22!

This time when you start University do you have any support (e.g. counselling/psychotherapy support, a supportive tutor or any extended family living nearby)?

As an older person who sailed through her younger years brimming with confidence, only to hit a bump in the road later on, I understand how anxiety and lack of confidence can suck you into your shell. It is hard to stand up strong again, but you can do it, and you will! Rather than dwell on how you were in the past, focus on how you are going forward. One day at a time.
You are not alone with this, and you may find there are more who understand than don’t. One thing I discovered with this, both with myself and others, is don’t be afraid to show your vulnerable side, by hiding it with a mask that isn’t real. Just be you. I’m sure you will make good friends and be happy again

You're not a loser, you've been to hell and back. You're so doing the right thing by going back to uni and you should be proud of yourself