AIBU to want to be allowed to keep in touch with ex?

[47onions]

I have an ex, from about 6 years ago, we share many mutual friends so occasionally end up bumping into each other at social events. DP has met him several times and comes with me to the odd social event.

I enjoy keeping in touch with him and we update each other on the going ons of each others lives, there's nothing more than friendship there, hasn't been for years.

DP hates that I don't hate him. He treated me fairly, he was the only guy to have respect for me and a decent moral compass. Our break up was probably about as good as break ups get.

AIBU to want to be able to keep in touch without DP freaking out?
We were friends for years before I met DP. He's someone I can talk to easily but not often.

Sounds like your DP has a touch of the green-eyed monster. Would ask him to respect that you have no romantic interest in your ex. It's called trust. You sound like you trust yourself, but he obviously does not.

Agree his attitude is very disrespectful. You should be able to be friends with whoever you like!

I'm on good terms with a couple of my exes - don't feel anything romantically towards them whatsoever... glad they're doing well in life in the same way I would feel glad anyone I cared about was but the romance ship has long since sailed. There is still a mutual totally sarcastic bugger streak going on and despair of general idiocy but that's a consistent theme among most of my friends.

DH is fine with this. Tough shite if he isn't really but he is.

he didn't end on friendly terms so I can understand how he might not understand a nice break up

This is a flag to me.He is not saying he is jealous or you are behaving inappropriately but that he can't see how a break up is amicable.

My exh had a dreadful 1st marriage ending, full of bittetness.It felt odd to me as I had managed to feel ok with ex's but felt I couldn't judge as didn't know details.

Guess what! How having the exact same bitterness with exh..the reason is that he can't hold a positive view of a person, he has very black & white thinking.You are either bad or good. Reality is most emotionally healthy people can hold their signifcant ex partners in reasonable regard.You know they were not right for you, maybe behaved badly at times but you also can acknowledge they have some good traits.

Exh never bad mouthed his ex (I would have ran fast) but equally on reflection he was not able to acknowledge positive traits.I would push for answers as don't believe he could have co habited with someone who had no redeeming features.
It is only through counselling that I have realised this is a red flag as over a period of time emotionally healthy people can reflect more positively from a safe distance.

I had an uneasy/gut feeling but because he didn't speak badly of ex he didn't tick the red flag box.

If your gut instinct is trying to tell you something (and you have posted for a reason) listen to it.
Do you have any other concerns?

I've been with my husband for 25+years (how the fuck did that happen?) and while I didn't have any relationships which were anywhere near as serious, I had a few short term relationships before (the longest was 9 months.) I'm not in contact with any of them. However there were one or two that if I bumped into on the street (and I recognised after so long lol) I would be more than happy to go for a drink and a catch up with. In fact a few years ago, I did bump into one at a mutual friend's birthday and spent a happy half hour catching up with (in a non touchy feely way of course.)

Your partner should be able to trust you to just be friendly with him.

It would be more important to stay civil though if there were kids involved.

YANBU to want to remain friends with an ex, but you need to put your current partner's wishes first to some extent.

There will always be an awkwardness as others have said, a current partner won't like thinking about you being intimate with someone that is still on the scene. The more they have in common the worse it is!

Your DP needs to make an effort to be grown up about it if you are in the same circles, but you also need to avoid the intimate chats and see less of the ex for a while at least. As time goes on things might get easier. Your ex also needs to understand this - maybe best to explain to them so they understand why you are backing off.

I was still good friends with an ex when I met the current one. Similar to you, about a 6 year gap. The ex was in the habit of coming round for dinner once a week and we used to see a lot of each other (although there was absolutely no chance of anything ever happening between us). However it quickly became clear that the weekly dinners would have to stop. Now we see each other at group events a couple of times a year and I've started occasionally meeting him one to one but didn't do that at all for the first year of the new DP. 'New' P has become much more accepting of the friendship and the two of them get on fairly well - but I know it will probably always be a bit awkward. That's just life though. I've also been on the other side and had to get along with an ex's new partner, which was very hard at first. I still find it hard now sometimes but it's worth it to maintain friendships

Some really interesting answers there, from both ends of the spectrum.

Just to clarify- I never organise meeting up with the Ex alone. It is simply that he turns up at some mutual events and we'll catch up then.
Stopping going to these events isn't an option, as the majority of them are memorials in honour of the friends we've all lost.

It's not quite as simple as just cutting him out completely- we only speak a handful of times a year as it is- and it would be so rude if I was to suddenly start ignoring him at these events.

I've been with DP for 3 years btw, and am pregnant with his child if that makes a difference :)

You're doing nothing wrong, you're only sung him in circumstances of mutual acquaintance and you're right it would be rude to start ignoring him. DP needs to get over it. For those saying his feelings come first, why? So if he says OP using social media should stop should she? Or if he insists on her being a SAHM should she, just to make him feel better? This kind of acquiescence can be a slippery slope. You are not meeting your ex regularly or in private, and your DP should trust you.

So what does your DP actually want you to do when you run into ex at events with mutual friends? Does he want you to blank him, is he fine with you saying hello but the moving on, is it the fact you're in the same room he dislikes or that he doesn't feel it's appropriate for you to be spending time chatting and catching up?

It's a tricky one, most people will fall into either camp: 1) it's fine to be friends with an ex and DP is being controlling and unreasonable, or 2) it's inappropriate to stay friends with an ex/you should prioritise your current relationship.

I was somewhere in the middle, ish, but when I met my DP he made it clear over the first few months of our relationship (once we got more serious) he didn't think it was acceptable in his mind to be friends or in touch with exes once you're in a serious relationship as he sees it as disrespectful. I can't say there's anything inherently wrong with that belief, and I was happy to cut contact with exes (I was only in touch with casual ones, I don't stay in touch with serious ones anyway) as I knew my relationship was more important than those friendships (which weren't deep anyway). Neither of us have any issue at all with friends of the opposite sex and both happily encourage each other to meet up with anyone we like socially together and alone.

Personally, I'd want to find out exactly how he feels you should be acting when you run into ex, to see whether it's realistic or something you're comfortable with or not. He can't expect you not to go to events where ex might be! So is it more a case of dialling back the contact when you do see him?

Although I fully support and agree with those whose boundary is 'see who you want and don't let him stop you' if it's right for them, personally with a serious relationship and a baby on the way I'd be making efforts to respect my DP's boundary around this ex and focus on your relationship instead.

I just wanted to ask: does he have any problems with you having and seeing male friends in general? That's my hard limit. I couldn't be with someone who wasn't totally fine with me having male friends. If that's not an issue then it's probably just a problem with exes he has and you can decide whether to accept that or fight against it. Neither are right or wrong.

I think I would do whatever DH was comfortable with in this situation. You have a history with this person, you've had sex with this person, so I don't think DH is unreasonable to be uncomfortable with it.

I'm sort of with your DP. You and ex have been providing emotional support to each other, you give him updates about your life - it's just feels a bit close for an ex.

There is a difference between ignoring someone and not chatting to them. So you really have a conversation with each person you know that comes to these evens? Say hello, then talk to someone else.

More than anything I think you just need to validate your partner's feelings. Don't negate or even reassure. Just validate.

All the posteres say ing you should be able to be friends with who ever you want are right. But I don't understand how you can want to have a couple a chats a year knowing that they upset your DP. Are they really that valuable to you?

I just couldn't get any pleasure out of any action that caused my husband pain.

Yes, I really do have a conversation with everyone who attends these events... they're not massive things and its generally a group of us old friends getting together to remember those lost. We all talk... don't know why it would be frowned upon not too? Its a sensitive topic and we all make sure we're all okay- we don't want history to repeat itself again.

Its not like I talk to the Ex with the intention of causing DP "pain". There's no malicious thinking there, and if he truly expressed that he was sad and upset about this I'd have to think of another way around this.

He has no problem with my other male friends (which is the majority of them tbh) or he hasn't expressed any because he can't find a reason to not like them.

As they are small events where you are supporting each other I see how not talking to him would be hard. I understand it isn't malicious but now you know, it would be conscious but it is more clear now that these evens are really important to you and the memory of lost friends.

What alternative does your dp suggest?

I'd take it as a very good sign that he has no issue with other male friends. It indicates that I isn't just generally controlling.

He has no alternative suggestions, he just huffs and puffs and says he doesn't like him repeatedly. He acts quite childish when we try to have a conversation about it. I've said its inevitable that Ex will be there and we will have a little chat, but no amount of reassuring changes the cold shoulder I get dealt after every memorial.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong and I'd be very angry if my dp behaved like this. TBH if I were in your shoes it'd only be the fact I was pregnant that gave me pause over leaving. You don't hang out just the two of you, the relationship ended because you fell out of love (no unfinished business), you don't drink, you only speak a few times a year... If you were in each other's pockets and having lots of drunk nights out together I'd see his point, but as it is your dp sounds childish and controlling! I have a friend who has been an ex for about 10 years and we have about the same amount of contact as you and your ex - meet as part of a group maybe twice a year - and if dp said I couldn't be friends with him I'd be livid. It's not that that specific friendship is super important TBH, it's the principle of it! No one is going to tell me who to be friends with, especially when there isn't even a shadow of inappropriate behaviour or ongoing feelings.