To be so worried about dh going back to work

[Namechangemum100]

So this is not a typical aibu, however I am in desperate need of support right now.

My baby boy was born just over a week ago, and I have a little girl who is nearly 15 months old.

Dh will be going back to work soon, and I am completely terrified about looking after them alone. I feel like I won't be able to do it. DD is still so little herself, and Ds is obviously completely reliant on me right now, I just don't know how I'm going to cope.

At the moment, ds is taking a long time to feed, he is ff as was DD, but I don't remember her being like this. It can sometimes take an hour of on off feeding for him to be satisfied which if he was my only wouldn't be a problem, but DD needs me too, and I have immense guilt over not spending time with her as she is still just a baby and it's killing me. I feel like I've ruined her life.

I'm becoming completely paranoid and obsessed at the idea that something will happen to her whilst I am distracted looking after ds, and I'm breaking down in tears all the time over it. Horrible visions pop into my head that I can't seem to shake about her falling down the stairs, or tripping over and me not catching her.

Has anyone else been in this position? I'm so worried I will never feel confident to even leave the house with the two of them, whereas DD and I used to be out all of the time.

I feel so so frightened all the time that I feel like vomiting and have barely eaten since day was born. I should add that dh is very supportive, and really pulling his weight, however he can't change the fact that he has to go back to work, therefore my fears continue to spiral ever out of control.

Oh you poor thing, I felt exactly like that and I only have one baby to deal with alone!

Ditch all housework/anything that isn't necessary to keep the three of you fed and as content as possible.
Can you order meals from the freezer from somewhere like Cook?

Hopefully someone who's been in your position will offer more practical advice but you will get through it!

I completely get that this is a scary thing. The thought of it is probably worse than the reality of it - you will cope just fine and make adjustments as and when needed to make sure everyone is happy. x

I had this small gap. Totally agree with having ready meals and even service washes if budget allows. Anything to get you through it (it won't be long - I bet in a week you will wonder what you were worrying about)

If it is any consolation they are so much easier a with a small gap in the long run.

Many congrats on your baby. The feeding should settle down.. at least a slow feeder should mean less wind (no expert only mine didn't) look after yourself

Op please talk to your health visit or or doctor. How you're feeling isn't normal.
Congratulations on your new little boy :) feeling tired and overwhelmed is normal and will get better but the anxiety does not sound right to me.

Not eating is going to make you feel awful. Please try to look after yourself. You may have post natal anxiety. Talk to your midwife/doctor about how you’re feeling?

In the immediate term can you book in some visitors? They can help with dc1 while you feed dc2 (and cuddle dc2 while you spend time with dc1).
Were you using childcare pre mat leave? Can you afford to send dc1 for a session or 2 each week?
Can do take a day annual leave each week?
It does get easier!

Oh, and congratulations!

First of all congratulations on DS . I promise it gets so much easier after the first 6 weeks or so. You have just given birth, you're exhausted, you're trying to get your head around this new little person joining the family and your hormones will be all over the place so please don't think you will feel like this forever.

I had 22 months between DS1 and DS2 then 17months to DD1. (So 3 under 3.5 when DH went back to work the second time). I distinctly remember being terrified the night before he went back the second time but in reality you just get on with it and your confidence really grows after a few days.

Best practical advice to get through the first couple of months:
-stay in one room most of the day, and completely baby proof that room, so you can sit on couch feeding newborn and DD1 can play safely
-have nappies/wipes/clothes changes/drinks ready in the room for when you need them
-get lunch/snacks/formula if poss ready in the fridge the night before so you don't have to mess during the day
-read books/sing songs/talk to DD1 while feeding - will help her feel included and make you feel a lot less guilty
-leave the housework til DH gets home
-try and get yourself washed and dressed before DH leaves, you'll feel better
-try and get out, baby in sling, DD in pram, for a walk and some fresh air at least once a day. It helps your mental health so much.

Also the feelings of guilt for DD having to share you completely change as they get older and you see she has a best friend to play with all the time while only children are sometimes quite lonely. My DN is an only child and cries every time she has to leave our house because she 'has no friends' at home.

Thank you everyone. I 100% agree that my feeling don't seem to be normal, as this isn't how I felt when my daughter was born.

Maybe I do have something like postnatal anxiety, as everyday is such a struggle and it has been for a long time, although I just put that down to have a young baby and being very pregnant.

Now that ds is here and the feelings are even stronger, and from what has been said on this thread, perhaps I do need to look at getting some kind of help, I just don't want anyone to think I'm not capable of looking after my children by admitting I feel this way.

It is perfectly normal.
Is there not a friend or relative that could ether come and stay, or call by during the day for a few hours ?
You have very recently given birth. You also have a very little one to take care of. Of course you will find it challenging.
You said you've been used to being out and about with your dd - presumably then you know other Mums locally who might call in and hang with you for an hour or so, so you aren't going for the whole day on your own ?
I had a bigger gap between mine, but it was lovely when my Mum or my Dad called in for an hour after lunch or to make me a sandwich for lunch in those first couple of weeks.

I had 16 months between mine, I didn't think I would cope but I coped better when dh went back to work as I fell into my own routine. I had a double pram and got out of the house every day. Toddler groups were a godsend. I could play with older one and there was always someone willing to old new born or play with toddler while I fed new born.

I found new born slept so much through the day that apart from feeds I could concentrate on toddler.

I have a 16mo and cannot imagine having to look after him as well as a newborn - I really don't think your feelings are unusual at all!

You will cope, you will be fine, but you are absolutely allowed to feel worried about it. Do whatever you need to do to get through the day and work on establishing a routine that works for you - don't feel guilty if things slide a little (basically if you spend entire mornings in front of CBeebies, it doesn't actually matter!).

You've got this. Get support and help if you can, and utilise your support network.

Seriously, you will not be judged or thought to be an unfit mother. The days of that are thankfully long gone. Post natal anxiety and depression are huge priorities at the moment precisely because they are so common - about one in ten. And I expect a lot of women soldier on through :(

Op mine were 16 months apart and my DH travelled a lot for work so was frequently gone for a week at a time, plus we were living in another country so knew no one.

It was fine, honestly, but the lifesaver was routine.....and a safe space to put the toddler..

I had a large playpen full of toys with the TV in view, and a big soft rug.
Safety gates everywhere and baby baskets in the bathroom, living room and kitchen, so l could put baby down wherever l was safely.

Food was ordered weekly.

DD was happy on the Gina Ford plan, so baby Ds followed on that too but to a lesser degree.

I was always up 6am to express milk before DD woke, you can can do this, but speak to your GP about your mood first.