To be really worried about DS15

[Crazyladee]

About a month ago my Nan passed away with both my sons (15 and 22) at the side of her. She was in a private room, was very poorly and was 96. I was due to visit three hours later as we were taking it in turns to be with her so I missed it. I was told she passed away peacefully (both my parents were there too)

Both sons were understandably very emotional. For one thing, for them, she is the first family member to pass away and secondly to witness the human body take the last breath and the events afterwards is a very big deal.

My DS22 has coped very well and now we have had the funeral, he seems to have got over the events of the day.

My DS15 who, out of the two boys, is less sensitive and doesn't seem to get upset very easily. I don't think I have seen him cry since he was a baby. He rang me from the hospital room and casually and matter of fact told me that (20 mins after her passing) he was still in the room with her and that the nurses were taking off her rings and cutting locks of hair for keepsakes for me and my sister. I asked him if he was okay and to leave the room if he wanted to . He told me breezily "No Mum honestly I'm fine" I knew my parents were there with him and DS22 was bringing him home from the hospital. At the time, I was too upset to go to the hospital and I was told there was no need to be there unless I wanted to view her body, which I didn't.

Anyway it has since become apparent in the few weeks that have passed that this has affected him really badly. He has broken down in tears (what I call proper sobbing tears) and says he can't stop thinking about that day, the moment she passed away and the body afterwards. He is having trouble sleeping and generally says that he feels sad about life in general and struggles to find enjoyment in things that he normally enjoys doing. He has avoided spending time with his friends and has generally retreated. His behaviour is unusual too as he tends to snap a lot more easily and then comes apologising for the outburst saying "I'm sorry for snapping, I don't know what's wrong with me"

What alarms me is that he is right in the middle of his GCSE revision with his first GCSE exam kicking off in two weeks.

I've told him that Dad and I are always here for him to talk it through. DH and I have discussed what to do and the first thing that springs to mind is that we need to take him to the doctors. I also thought bereavement counselling but I have been told to expect to wait months.

Anyone any advice on this matter? Thoughts? I know I've posted in AIBU but please be gentle. It's been a very emotional few weeks.

Find him some counselling. It will fade over time but it is natural for him to be affected.

Firstly sorry for your loss.

Can you get him some counselling privately?

He's very young to witness something like that. My DH still breaks down now thinking about those last moments with my DFIL and it's been 5 years. It's really affected him.

I really would try to get him some help as soon as possible.

I’m sorry for your loss of your Nan

Your son is grieving. Grief really does manifest differently from person to person and can do some pretty strange things to people. It’s tough coping with it when you’re so young too, I expect he’s feeling rather surprised and worried. It’ll fade and eventually pass but perhaps you could contact a grief counsellor. His school might be able to point you in the right direction or your GP.

Grieving has to take its own course. You can be there and listen if he wants to talk, or not. There is no hurrying the process. It is hard to see him having a bad time but it is part of life

In practical terms, get a letter from the GP. Don't know whether exam boards take into account this sort of thing, but it's worth the try.

It may knock him off the track of GCSE/A-levels/possible Uni for a while but he'll get there eventually. Be prepared for life plans to take a temporary bashing, and just concentrate on supporting him (as well as you can, bearing in mind you too are coping with loss)

So sorry for your loss.

I would definitely pursue the GP route, but he might benefit from having a look on the Cruse charity website. There are phone and email support lines, and other info/resources that you and your DS might benefit from. There are specific things for younger people too on there.

I was in the room wheny DM passed at age 27, and it still haunts me. I wish that I had someone pushing me to get help as looking back I clearly really needed it!

Wishing you luck and strength.

I was with my grandmother when she died in her 90s in a hospital bed, so a very similar situation.

I thought how lovely it was, to be honest, to be given that privilege. If someone asked me how I wanted to die, it would be exactly that way - in bed (so not an accident) at a really good old age, with my family around me and expecting my death (so no huge shock for them.) It's a perfect death, really, isn't it?

I would take him to the GP at least so you've got some record of the fact that he's really struggling.

That way, if you need to ask for special consideration for his GCSEs then you've got some evidence.

At 15 you feel that the world will always carry on as it has. Death is a big thing and basically he us grieving.as they say, time us a great healer. I'm wondering in retrospect if maybe you should gave gone to the hospital to support him and to be part of things?

Oh the poor lad, he's under a lot of stress with two major stressors happening at once, either of which would be a lot to deal with. There's no grief handbook, unfortunately, no way of knowing how it will affect you. I wonder if, as he's under 16, there might be a way of getting him seen earlier, or at least talking to someone in the interim like Mind?

My DD (15 at the time 17 now) will still not watch "murder she wrote" on telly after being there watching it with her gran and grandad when her grandad just simply passed away.

He was 85 and suffering heart failure, COPD, prostate cancer, any number of age related ailments, but death was not expected to be imminent.

It was a great way to die as deaths go, but still a shock to be so sudden.

I can just imagine my daughters being like that - saying its all ok then going to pieces afterwards. Most people would be affected by that, you know you would be yourself, so not surprising. I think the quickest thing to do would be to call the Young Minds parents' helpline - get all the info you need and advice on how to handle it. They are open today:

08088 025544

Then you can make an informed decision over what to do next, and you have all the professional advice there to hand in one call.

So sorry to you all for your loss.
I have had the same story from GPs and long waiting list.
My children's school have been fantastic and provided school based and professional bereavement counselling.
Do try calling his school and see what they can offer, they must have support workers there.
I hope he can get support quickly. xx

Your son is so young to have witnessed the death of a loved one. I do agree that he will be grieving, but also dealing with the fact that death happens to us all, sadly even him one day. When someone is preoccupied with their mortality, it is incredibly difficult to enjoy life and takes time, support and for some, counselling, to come to terms with death.

I would take him to his GP, seek counselling and help him express how he is feeling. Is he showing any signs of anxiety at all? Not sleeping, checking his pulse, wanting you to check on him in the night? That kind of thing?

I was 18 when I saw my first dead body. It was my brothers body, he died aged 24. It was at the funeral home and I will never, ever forget it, even though 15 years have gone by now. I was grieving and also developed a fear of death afterward that lasted a good few years mostly because I didn't get help.

I'm sorry for your families loss x

Thanks for the replies.

I've called the school and I've spoken to his favourite teacher who was lovely. She was already aware of his Great Nan passing away as he had spoken to her about it, but she was unaware he witnessed it all.

She's going to go and find him and pull him out of lessons for a little while to have a chat with him. Apparently the school have counsellors who he can speak to In confidence. She is lovely and I'm sure if the school can offer the right help, she will find a way. I feel a bit better now.

Redhelenb I understand it might come across a bit uncaring to not go flying down to the hospital for those 20minutes after she had died, (they needed her room) but it all happened very quickly, My parents were there with him who he is extremely close to, but more importantly, he did a very good job in convincing everybody that he was absolutely fine!

*Collywombles
*
Sorry for your loss

He is feeling grief. Completely normal, and best to let him just go through the process. The school are well placed to provide counselling to him, but if he doesn't want that it would be worth offering him private counselling. If he doesn't want that either, you have to let him go through the stages without.

I would talk to the school about whatever is available for GCSE students in these kind of circumstances, extra time, separate room, applying to the Board vis a vis Special Circumstances etc.

I imagine he's not only feeling grief but is scared at realising the fragility of life - how we can be 'here' one minute and not the next. To me that concept is quite terrifying and sets me off thinking about my own death, what if it's unexpected and I suddenly cease to exist...
Sorry to be so maudlin (!) but for me at that age this is probably what I would have gotten hung up on. Poor lad.