That we should kill the expression 'nagging/nag'

[Echobelly]

I hate it so much. It's only because men have been in charge that we have a cultural trope that women nag and not a trope that men don't get round to doing shit or don't listen. A woman only has to mention something twice or check a guy has heard something and she's silenced with an accusation of 'nagging' because men know its a good way of getting our of having to deal with things by shaming a woman into not mentioning it. Has anyone found a good way to deal with accusations of nagging?

"Has anyone found a good way to deal with accusations of nagging?"

Stop doing it.

My advice to my DD, when she had her first and was being accused of this was to put it that all the Adults in the house were responsible for the running of it.

Then it becomes a matter of who is responsible for what and they grow up and get on with it.

That is aside from everyone pitching in as they go.

That includes Parenting.

If you live with an arsehole, then its ultimatum time. My DD was prepared to end her relationship and he shaped up. She recognised that the resentment would kill it anyway.

There's so many Women putting up with such crap relationships, they should just be ending it, not finding ways to deal with it.

Also if you have to check if your Partners heard you, because he doesn't answer, then that is total disrespect.

a cultural trope that women nag and not a trope that men don't get round to doing shit or don't listen

That's about the size of it. I agree it's a heavily gendered term, like 'shrill'. Angry men are never 'shrill'.

If someone suggested I was 'nagging', I would be asking them to unpick their languages, and ask themselves a questions about why they were so reluctant to do whatever it was I was asking them to do.

As a SAHM, I finally understood why women are accused of nagging. At work, if you are in charge of a particular area/office, the people you are managing have named duties. If they don’t do them, you point this out. If they repeatedly don’t do them, there are consequences, ultimately they are sacked. At home, you have an area of responsibility that is undervalued. You ask people to do, not to do certain things. They (in my case DH and DCs) largely ignore this. You ask again. There may be certain consequences for children, but you can’t “sack” them (children) or institute a disciplinary procedure (DH). And so it continues. Nagging is essentially the voice of the Ignored and Powerless.

To be honest op, by trying to police language you're being a bit of a "nag" yourself.

^^I agree with this. I managed it by:

-Agreeing w dh what needs doing and whose job it is (me/him/kids/combination thereof)
-going ballistic when people don't do as they've agreed/I've asked first time

I guess it wouldn't work if your dh doesn't respect you, or your kids are tiny but it nagging really just is a synonym for "nobody is taking me seriously."

But people do nag, its patronising and infrutiating. I wouldnt put up with being nagged by my DH so wouldnt expect him to put up with me nagging himm we are both adults and one of us is not more in charge of the chores/kids or the other, we are equal and work together.
I wouldnt purposely spend time with anyone who I had to instruct repeatedly what to do in order to get anything done and if I ever had to I would just leave them to get on with it not think I had some controll other them which entitled me to go on at them untill they did what I wanted.

To be honest op, by trying to police language you're being a bit of a "nag" yourself.

Oh, absolutely, let's go back to throwing around words like 'retard' and 'chink', shall we?

@SeriousChutzpah "Oh, absolutely, let's go back to throwing around words like 'retard' and 'chink', shall we?"

What an offensive and spurious comparison.

No need to police language - just tackle it head on every time it happens.

The one time I was accused of being ‘bossy and aggressive’ at work I asked for an example. Eventually, one was given, after much wriggling. I pointed out that said behaviour was totally professional and normal and seen as positive/assertive when male colleagues did it.
I’d like to say it lead to an open discussion on the expectation of men and women in work roles but this is reality we are talking about.

Challenge it. Always

I'm not actually particularly talking about me, more how it's used against women in general.

I do agonise about mentioning something more than once, even after weeks and weeks, lest it seem like I'm being naggy. DH doesn't actually accuse me of it much but it pisses me off when he does (usually when he's in a bad mood) and it makes me feel like I'm not entitled ever to mention it again because we have it drummed into us that a woman who is a nag is a petty bitch. And men often know that if they, say, don't want to deal with something that they can shut women up by calling them a nag. It's like the 'nagging woman' trope, is a way of disempowering women from asking for what they want.

Yes, some people can be too insistent on things, and I do know some but often accusations of nagging can be weaponised, especially against women

Nellieellie (sorry, don't know how to tag names), that's an interesting point about being in the home and not having 'official responsibilities'

@SeriousChutzpah

Are you all there?

If only all us shrews could be tamed there would be no need for nagging or any other such misogynistic terms