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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not be over it?

25 replies

Sadsoul18 · 22/04/2018 21:44

Split up with my ex about 6 weeks ago and I’m still really struggling. I feel like my mood is all over the place...one minute I’m fine, feel positive about the future etc and the next I’m sobbing feeling as if my heart is physically breaking.

My friend encouraged me to join pof and arrange some dates...but I don’t know if I can do it. I just don’t feel ready but I’m worried that if I don’t get back in the horse, I never will. (I was single for 8 years before him because I was scared of getting my heart broken! Ironic hey?!)

I’m trying to go out, meet friends etc but at the end of the night, when I’m home alone I feel so lonely and miserable.

I literally feel like I’ve got bipolar, my moods are just so extreme. I know my confidence has taken a huge hit which has made me feel crap about myself.

Can anyone suggest anything?

OP posts:

Myheartbelongsto · 22/04/2018 21:53

Stay off POF, you're too vulnerable.

Celticlassie · 22/04/2018 21:58

Six weeks is nothing! How long were you with him? You have to give yourself time to get over him completely or you'd never be able to be in a new relationship. Go out, have fun, just don't try to jump back in to a relationship.

Original poster

Sadsoul18 · 22/04/2018 22:05

Thanks for your replies. We were together about 18 months but it was all pretty full on. He just didn’t turn out to be the person I thought he was and I knew I deserved better. Doesn’t stop it hurting though.

So you don’t think I should go on any ‘dates’? I’ve been speaking to a couple of blokes (1 from pof and one who is a friend of a friend) and both have asked me to go out for a drink. I’m just scared my confidence can’t handle being knocked any further. It’s definitely not that I want to jump back into a relationship (the thought petrifies me if I’m honest) but my friends seem to think that I need to see that life goes on.

OP posts:

Heismyopendoor · 22/04/2018 22:09

I wouldn’t recommend going on any dates. You’ve just came out of a very full on relationship. You don’t need to be jumping into anything.

Meeep · 22/04/2018 22:09

Don't try to date yet, you're not in the right frame of mind and you won't enjoy yourself. Just carry on with what you are doing, seeing friends etc. for now.

How long were you with your ex?

Maybe I would expect you might be ready to join a dating site if you feel like it in... the autumn?

LineyHasntLeftTheBuilding · 22/04/2018 22:12

POF is known to be particularly brutal I think.

Storm4star · 22/04/2018 22:14

I read ‘somewhere’ that you should take half the length of time of the relationship to get over it. Probably doesn’t make total sense cos someone out of a 25 yr marriage would then have to take 12.5 years to get over it! However....in your case I think it would be good advice cos that would be 9 months.

Please don’t go on pof. There are too many sharks on there looking for vulnerable women to take advantage of. I don’t want to sound all new age but take some time for you. Find yourself again, get some confidence and then you can tackle OLD. I agree your just way too vulnerable right now.

bionicnemonic · 22/04/2018 22:19

I read it was one month for every year you’d been together.
Even when you feel it’s time to look at OLD I’d avoid pof or any that are free to join. If you pay to enrol it acts as a bit of a filter... and maybe join one that is specialised or perhaps one of the papers do you maybe start with the type of views that match your own

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2018 22:31

I think you should do something just for and by yourself. Dance lessons, cooking classes, volunteer, art classes, whatever suits your fancy. Take time to get to know yourself again, and in the process you just might make some new wonderful friends. Be easy on yourself.

OwlinaTree · 22/04/2018 22:35

I remember feeling like that after a split. Give yourself some time. Yes, it's good not to lock yourself away, get out with friends, do stuff, keep busy, but I'd avoid dating for a little while.

I'm sure you will feel much calmer soon. for you, it's hard when life changes so dramatically.

lhastingsmakeup · 22/04/2018 22:37

I think with dating websites you have to be completely ready and comfortable for just finding a casual shag honestly. You can’t really expect the emotional, loving side - it’s not impossible to find but the majority of people on PoF, tinder etc do just want sex. So you need to be able to mentally handle that sort of casual relationship and it doesn’t sound like you’re ready.

I think you should still get out more though - concerts, museums, nights out etc. Whatever you like - just be more social and focus on you and you’ll eventually get back to your old self. Just having new things to look forward to like succeeding at work, holidays, outings etc will really help. You need to develop your life without your etc

lhastingsmakeup · 22/04/2018 22:38

Ex* rather

kitkatsky · 22/04/2018 22:41

There was an excellent advice column in the guardian this week (can't find to link on my phone) about a 29yo woman who had recently found herself single and didn't know how to move on. Def worth a read if you can find it

sheddooropen · 22/04/2018 22:42

You aren’t being unreasonable. One saying is the best way get over someone is to get under someone else although it's not practical in some situations. Stay off online dating for now there are a lot of bad people out there. Go out with mates to bars and stuff and try to meet guys for a couple of months there to build confidence and then move onto online dating once you have a bit more mojo back

Happygummibear · 22/04/2018 22:49

For all those against POf. I met my DH on there and couldn't be happier and know 2 other people that met and married someone off POF and still together. Must admit in his wedding speech he did say he met alot of crazies and eventuallg found a crazy he could marry.... with any dating website you have to be prepared to meet some weirdos and weed out the spotty toads from the frogs and princes.

However agree with others this is too fresh to start dating. Take some time to find yourself again and be happy. Someone always told me that you can't be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself.

Go and have fun, explore some new hobbies you never know you might meet someone new through them and if you don't and you feel settled in yourself try a dating site or two and be prepared to have a good laugh at that random blokes sending you messages like "hey sexy how r u" or seeing someone on there that you know!

Original poster

Sadsoul18 · 22/04/2018 22:55

Thanks for the advice everyone. It’s nice to know these horrendous feelings are ‘normal’. I’ve deleted my pof account. There was no one on there who remotely caught my eye.

Getting my mojo back is my main focus...I just wish the whole process would hurry itself up.

I understand why I didn’t take this risk for so many years...heart break really does suck!

OP posts:

PinotMwah · 22/04/2018 23:49

Six weeks is absolutely nothing. It's totally normal to be feeling like this, you don't switch feelings on and off at will.

You should be getting out and taking your mind off things but it doesn't sound like you're in the right frame of mind for dating and you'll be doing it just for the sake of it rather than because you actually want to do it.

Go out with your friends, have fun, take some time on your own, allow yourself to feel sad but not to wallow. Try to get back in touch with the things you enjoyed before you met your ex. You're not obliged to be in a constant state of looking for a mate all the time. Do it when you feel ready.

Adversecamber22 · 23/04/2018 01:50

I didn't date for six months possibly a little longer after I broke up with my ex, I was 29 at the time and it was the best thing to rebalance myself. I spent that time seeing friends and swimming about 30 lengths two or three times a week.

Thegreatestshowwomen · 23/04/2018 03:33

It’s a horrible feeling op. I remember when I broke up with an ex having a heavy feeling in my chest all the time. It does get better but stay off online dating. You are not ready

ToadOfSadness · 23/04/2018 07:01

It always took me about a year before I was ready to meet someone else. I never went out of my way though, someone just kind of 'happened'.

Being on your own for a while isn't a bad thing. Remind yourself it wasn't right for you and concentrate on being happy, do it for yourself and it will get easier.

Pengggwn · 23/04/2018 07:08

I've got food in my fridge I've had longer than 6 weeks! It really is nothing in terms of getting over someone you loved. Just look after yourself.

gamerwidow · 23/04/2018 07:21

You don't need to rush into a new relationship. You need time to regroup and find yourself again. When you are happy on your own then you can look for a new relationship if you want to.

Original poster

Sadsoul18 · 23/04/2018 19:50

Thanks for replying, I really do appreciate your advice.

It’s not that I feel like I need to get in to a new relationship (I was on my own for a very long time before meeting my ex and was content as I was), I just need to feel better.

I joined the gym today in the hope I can improve my mood. I know I also need to feel better about myself too.

OP posts:

SerenDippitty · 23/04/2018 19:56

I’m sorry OP. I agree with the advice not to jump into dating too quickly. The longer you leave it the more sure you will be exactly what you are looking for.

Waggingmyginger · 23/04/2018 20:15

Take some time to look after yourself. Find your feet again.

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