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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get so irritated with DH and his irritating holiday planning?

76 replies

BossyPaws · 22/04/2018 21:03

Going to USA in September. We plan to drive from San Francisco to Monument Valley stopping off at Bridgeport, Death Valley, Las Vegas etc along the way.

So far we have the return flights to SF booked and that's it. DH insists on being in charge of the planning yet getting him to actually plan anything is a fucking nightmare. I've been searching hotels, airb&b etc and showing him and get the usual "yeah sounds nice". I have tried telling him that these places are booking up fast and get "yeah we need to start booking".

I've been getting so frustrated with nothing getting sorted!! Last night I sat him down and narrowed it down to a handful of airb&b properties - he was dead keen, kept saying how gorgeous they were etc ... got me to message the hosts ... said we'd book today.

So this afternoon had perfect opportunity as no kids here and both sat doing nothing - he wanted to go to sleep and said we'd do it tonight.

8.30pm I say "so, we going to book then as they're selling out fast" - he replies "we can't commit yet as we don't know how long we're spending in each place". I say "well we need to work that out then!" He replies "yeah we should do really". So again getting frustrated I say "so!! Shall we?" And he says "yeah, we do need to but I don't know yet what we're going to do". So I say "well what we going to do then??" He replies "well, there is nothing we can do"

Oh for fucks sake man wake up!! AIBU to sack him off and just plan and book the fucker without his input? Baring in mind he'll take great delight in pointing out anything that goes wrong as entirely my fault?

OP posts:

Juells · 23/04/2018 09:54

Just seen @SendintheArdwolves post, and agree with it. When I was still in school I'd lie in bed every morning and my mother would call me and call me and call me, I'd finally get up at five to nine and run out of the house unwashed and unfed. I was surprised, when I got to college, that I was able to get up by myself without any outside help.

He does it because you'll pick up the slack. You're not his mummy...

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 23/04/2018 09:55

I wish I’d thought of asoreafshert. It makes all the difference. Can’t believe I’ve been missing out all these years!

DPotter · 23/04/2018 09:59

motels may be fine but there are some things that have to be booked well in advance, eg trips to Alcatraz. These do get fully booked in school holidays; we had booked about 8 weeks before going and you couldn't get tickets for sooner than 5-6 days when there. Also some camp sites get booked up as well. From memory - there wasn't much accommodation near Monument valley
ps don't bother with Lake Powell if your planning to go there - soul-less place

tellitlikeitispls · 23/04/2018 10:00

DH is like this. He likes the idea of planning. But he plans nothing and books nothing. So I do it. I give him a cutoff and say if he's done nothing by then I'm sorting it out myself.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 23/04/2018 10:01

My DH is like that. I just book everything myself. I don't even consult him about everything any more, there's no point. But I do make it clear that if anything goes wrong or isn't exactly as he'd like, it's his responsibility as much as mine, for choosing to opt out.

I'd dearly love to be married to someone who was actually interested in planning travel.

DPotter · 23/04/2018 10:02

Oh and accommodation in SF can get pretty booked up as well

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2018 10:02

I say leave him to it, and if it all goes tits up, there will be no one to blame but him.

I strongly advise to stop being his mum/personal assistant who is always fixing his fuck ups.

Lacucuracha · 23/04/2018 10:03

I did your trip recently and we hadn't booked any hotels so ended up in dead beat motels (minimum $100 per night).

Tell him to get his arse in gear by tonight or you will take over.

And I wouldn't book a holiday with him again until he stops the wifework shit.

penguinsandpanda · 23/04/2018 10:04

I always do this all myself. DH used to insist he did it then spends months looking then decide he wanted to go to the same place as last time. He even admits now I am much better than him at choosing places, he tends to go for the one that looks best value without looking on a map then moans about where it is.

WhyOhWine · 23/04/2018 10:05

I think I would have to give him (say) a week and tell him that if he has not sorted by then you will take over and he wont get any input.

It should be fairly easy to put together as there is a lot of info on line on driving times, where to stop, how long to stay in each place etc.

All of the holiday planning used to fall to me. I dont really mind it as I really enjoy my holidays and I like the planning. It can be time consuming though. DH now works much shorter hours than me so he has officially taken over as holiday planner. Or more accruately, we plan the general location etc together and he then does the more detailed itiniery, with the odd choice for everyone to input on. The first couple of years were frustrating (it felt like I was still doing the planning and all he was doing was the actual booking) but he is pretty good at it now.

3stonedown · 23/04/2018 10:11

To be fair we did a very similar drive including vegas monument valley and LA in September 2015 and we didn't book a single hotel apart from the one for the night we arrived, it was really easy to get something the night before. I appreciate that's not how everyone would want to do it though.

honeyroar · 23/04/2018 10:21

We found hotels in that area in August last year with a day's notice. Unless you have a very specific hotel wish list I think you'd be fine. I know that's not the issue, but it might stop you worrying..

RidingWindhorses · 23/04/2018 10:28

I don't know how men managed to organise world wars, they don't seem the be able to book holidays or get the kids to school with the right kit.

Clutterbugsmum · 23/04/2018 10:52

I'd book car hire, room and flight home for myself and leave him too it. Have a nice holiday and when he realises he has no flight home booked he got no one to blame but himself.

Minnie13 · 23/04/2018 10:57

Having not had a holiday for eight years, I lost sympathy by the end of your first paragraph (joking, it sounds like an amazing holiday).

Can't you could just make the bookings yourself?

Laserbird16 · 23/04/2018 11:02

A friend went for mutually assured destruction with her holiday planning. She and her DH agreed who would do what tasks, she said if she didn't get input by a deadline she would cancel the holiday. He didn't do anything so she followed through. I had to pick my jaw off the table when she told me but I admire her for it! She couldn't deal with the stress of taking a toddler on a long haul flight with no accommodation etc. I'd be tempted just to cancel DH's flight...

dejectedharry · 23/04/2018 11:02

OP I had this problem. In the end, I made a list of all the days we were there wrote down what we wanted to do next to each day gave him a day to go over the list, he didn't, so I just booked hotels in each place in accordance to what I had written. We had a great time and I'm glad I wrote the list as I got two days in Yosemite whereas he didn't want any, it was the highlight of the trip for me.

MinaPaws · 23/04/2018 11:06

DH is like this. We ended up having the biggest row we've ever had in 22 years of marriage over a holiday he wouldn't let me book because he needed to think it over. Now I just tell him where we're going (as a result of extensive family chats over the dinner table, then tell him which dates we're going and where we're staying. Holidays have been so much more fun ever since.

My DSis is one of those people who think holidays should be an 'adventure' - you just book flights and sort the rest out as you go along. IMO that's no adventure. That's wasting a whole holiday sorting out the boring admin stuff you should have sorted before you left.

Weezol · 23/04/2018 11:11

Riding Ah, but women did all the admin in WWII. They pretty much ran the 'Home Front' in WWI.

The women in films pushing planes around on maps did a lot more - that was a small part of the role.

They turned out to be very good at a lot of 'man's work' (SOE, code breaking, explosives, science, engineering, piloting, driving tractors etc.) which is why they were shoved back into the kitchen sharpish once demob was complete.

OP, tell him if he hasn't made any decisions by 8pm tomorrow, you'll book as you see fit. Silence is acceptance.

Lacucuracha · 23/04/2018 11:14

@Laserbird16

Wow, what was her her DH's reaction? Did he learn his lesson?

rookiemere · 23/04/2018 11:14

I think leaving it as you go is fine if a) you're travelling outside school holidays and b) you don't have DCs or if you do you're happy for everyone to be piled into one room together in substandard accommodation, oh and c) you're happy to pay over the odds as hotels etc. usually expensive if booked at last minute and only less popular ones are available.

I certainly wouldn't cancel a holiday over it though. I'd just do what dejectedharry did - plan what looks good, and if he doesn't respond within a period of time, then just go ahead and book it.

ineedwine99 · 23/04/2018 11:32

I would get booking and sod him, my friend on the other hand goes down the nagging route/sending him tonnes of emails of links to hotels etc, her BF gets so fed up of it he tells her to book

Laserbird16 · 23/04/2018 11:34

@Lacucuracha he tried to persuade her there was still time to book etc and she said no and then I think she gave him a serve of 'don't test me and don't complain'. I bow down to her...maybe I should offer my services, I like planning and holidays!

Xenia · 23/04/2018 11:34

I alwayss decided booked and paid for all holidays. Tended to work fine. We would have an initial discussion about ideas etc but I just got on with it after that.

ReanimatedSGB · 23/04/2018 11:35

Does he actually want to go on this holiday? Sometimes resistance to making any effort or agreeing to any arrangements is a way of getting out of doing a trip someone doesn't want to do.

Or is it a case of he expects you a) to do all the work and b) to be the person he can put the blame on if anything goes wrong? Is he like this about other aspects of your lives eg does he respond to 'what do you fancy for dinner?' with 'Oh, I don't mind,' and then piss and moan whatever you cook?

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