Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this person in my home?

26 replies

Stormwhale · 22/04/2018 20:50

Dp has recently reconnected with an old friend. They drifted apart around 8 years ago, but bumped into each other a while back. He asked me tonight when would be best for him to come round. I know that doesn't seem like it would be a problem, but I never liked this person and I simply don't want him in my home. I have no problem with dp meeting up with him, but I would rather not have him here, or have to see him myself.

The reasons behind my feelings are that this person was a complete dick towards dp. He put him down all the time, mocked him, ridiculed him in front of others, and seemed to use him to make himself look better. Dp put up with this behaviour, and it crippled his self esteem. I didn't like him at all, but dp had known him for years and I didn't stand in the way of the 'friendship.

I really don't want anything to do with this person, but I absolutely accept that dp has the right to be friends with whoever he wants. I just get this horrible feeling when I imagine seeing him or worse having him come into my home. AIBU? Dp was surprised and a bit upset when I asked him to meet up elsewhere.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 22/04/2018 20:52

YANBU. Why should you have this person in your home when presumably you had to see how he treated your DP and supported him through that?

user1493413286 · 22/04/2018 20:54

Would you consider seeing him so you could decide if he’s changed and if he hasn’t then don’t have him back?
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but maybe he’s changed as 8 years is enough time for that.

Oddcat · 22/04/2018 20:55

Would your DP be upset if you did have this man in your house and you challenged any offensive comments he might make ?

Original poster
Stormwhale · 22/04/2018 20:55

Yes we were together then. Dp has always had low self esteem, and that's why he put up with it. This person then pushed his self esteem even lower.
I spoke to dp about why I felt the way I do, and he said he is different now and won't let him treat him in that way, but I'm not sure to be honest. It's not up to me though.

OP posts:
Puffycat · 22/04/2018 20:55

He sounds like a total dick. You are being very reasonable about it. If DP wants to see him......fine.........you don’t and DP needs to respect that

Shizzlestix · 22/04/2018 20:56

I understand why you feel this way, but maybe be the better person, it was a while ago. Or is your dh suffering from Stockholm syndrome and wants to get this person’s approval now? Dunno, either way, maybe better to have him in your house where you can keep an eye? Sounds a bit protective, but I’d be raging if this bloke (?) said one word out of line.

Why is your DP keen to reconnect if this person was so horrible to him?

Sadsnake · 22/04/2018 20:57

Well I'd be assuming this guy was up to no good.if he was a shit to yr dh before ,odds are he will continue the relationship in the same manner..has yr dp no other friends?even if he hasn't ,I'd be advising him to steer clear

Original poster
Stormwhale · 22/04/2018 20:58

I think I would be willing to meet up with him to give it a try away from our home. We have had a rocky few years and our home is my safe place. I just hate the idea of someone cruel like he was coming in.

Not sure if dp would be upset if I challenged the comments. He doesn't like confrontation, and probably wouldn't like seeming like he needed me to stick up for him.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 22/04/2018 21:00

I'd have him visit at yours so you can keep an eye on him. If he has changed then you'll have your own evidence for this rather than your dh's saying it.

Original poster
Stormwhale · 22/04/2018 21:01

I think dp wants to reconnect because they were close in a better way when they were children. Once they reached their teens this friend became a dick head. Before then they had a more equal friendship, and a lot of shared memories.

Dp has a few friends, but less than he used to. He has had some health problems, which have made it difficult to keep up with friendships. Only the true friends have stuck around.

OP posts:
DrunkUnicorn · 22/04/2018 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/04/2018 21:12

If this man had a history of being horrible to you then fair enough: you shouldn't have to put up with someone who is rude to you in your own home.

But if it's your DP he tormented, then I'm afraid you need to leave it up to your DP as to whether or not to invite him. Your DP is an adult and can choose his own friends - and your home is your DP's home too.

Original poster
Stormwhale · 22/04/2018 21:13

He was a bit of a knob to me, but not as bad as to dp. I think because I have always been pretty feisty he knew he couldn't get away with as much. Towards me it was more little comments that made me feel unwanted in the friendship group.

OP posts:
InspMorse · 22/04/2018 21:14

Why does your DH want this person on his life? I get that this man was 'nicer' back in the day but he changed & was not a good friend.
Your DH doesn't need him - I'm sure your DH doesn't need protecting from him but, if he is adamant he wants to see this bloke, have him round like others say, to keep an eye on him - if he puts your DH down, you will witness it.

Juells · 22/04/2018 21:19

Why not meet up elsewhere, outside your home, and whenever/if he says anything nasty say "WTF, what kind of a thing is that to say?". Nasty people get away with it because, mostly, the rest of us get such a shock that we don't challenge them immediately. Maybe he doesn't realise how nasty he's being? It might do him good.

As for the Your DP is an adult and can choose his own friends - and your home is your DP's home too. - I think that's very unfair. You shouldn't have to have someone in your home that you don't like. It's invasive.

Original poster
Stormwhale · 22/04/2018 21:21

To be honest I'm really not sure. I don't really get it. I think maybe he misses the closeness that they had once. He didn't turn nasty overnight, it was a gradual process, so for many years they were very close. His only explanation is that he was his 'best friend'. His friends he has now are wonderful, but they are not the sort that are around all the time. They meet up maybe once a month or so, message maybe weekly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stormwhale · 22/04/2018 21:22

Juells I can very much see myself doing that sort of thing.

OP posts:
stayanotherday · 22/04/2018 21:37

Yanbu. You don't need to feel uncomfortable in your house. I agree it's dp's house as well. Yes to suggesting perhaps they meet up somewhere else and letting him make his own mind up as the friend could have changed.

I'd be intrigued as to why the friend wants to meet up now. Does he want to make amends or has he had other people about who have had the same and got fed up so sees your dp as somebody who put up with it before and will allow it again?

PoorYorick · 22/04/2018 21:40

I had exactly the same issue. Husband wanting to reconnect with a complete and utter arse. Husband admitted he was an arse but the guy was in town and it was easier just to meet up for one evening and send him on his way.

They ended up going out for beers and I made my excuses. Alternative would have been me going out for the evening, but I didn't want to be the one to put myself out. Husband accepted my feelings about it.

missymayhemsmum · 22/04/2018 21:45

You are trying to stop your dp from inviting a childhood friend into his home? Yabvu, sorry
Not unreasonable to tell your dp why you don't like his old friend, but it has to be his call, surely?

Juells · 22/04/2018 22:12

You are trying to stop your dp from inviting a childhood friend into his home? Yabvu, sorry

If the situation was reversed and it was someone who had bullied the OP in the past I'd expect her DH to be antsy about that person being invited into the home as well. Someone who is in an abusive relationship (as the OPs DH is with this pretend friend) don't see things clearly. The OP is entitled to lay out her boundaries.

Original poster
Stormwhale · 22/04/2018 22:17

This thread shows why I feel conflicted. It's the divide between feeling as though I don't want him in my home, and feeling as though I shouldn't stop dp having someone over in his home.

Dp is happy to meet him elsewhere, and although seemed a bit upset at first came back to me and said he understood where I was coming from.

I would also just like to point out that I have never stopped dp having someone over before. About 2 months ago another old friend of his popped up who we hadn't seen for nearly 5 and we had him round, no problem. About 2 weeks ago I came home to another of dps friends in my lounge that he hadn't seen for 2 years. No problem! This just feels different.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stormwhale · 22/04/2018 22:18

*Nearly 5 years

OP posts:
Original poster
Stormwhale · 22/04/2018 22:20

Stayanotherday - I had wondered the same.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 22/04/2018 22:22

I totally agree with Juells. YANBU at all.

ReanimatedSGB "If this man had a history of being horrible to you then fair enough: you shouldn't have to put up with someone who is rude to you in your own home.

But if it's your DP he tormented, then I'm afraid you need to leave it up to your DP as to whether or not to invite him. Your DP is an adult and can choose his own friends - and your home is your DP's home too."

But it is also the OP's home and by being horrible to her husband this man is offensive to both her and her husband. So she gets to veto any guests who will make her unhappy in her own home.

Maybe he has changed, maybe not. I'd be cautious.

@Stormwhale why not suggest you all go out for a curry and see how he behaves. If he is OK you can let them get on with their friendship and enjoy reminiscing etc. But you really don't need to have him in your home if you are not happy with him. You sound protective of your dh, I think that is great. You care about him and don't want some dickhead being unkind. That's good.

Swipe left for the next trending thread