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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...or am I being overly sensitive?

48 replies

KirbyKane · 22/04/2018 15:45

DP and I haven't had sex for a while. I'm pregnant (12 weeks) and text him whilst he was out as needed a bit of support. I'd been throwing up due to morning sickness and am exhausted. He text me back asking if it was another excuse to get out of having sex with him. I called him out on this and he text back saying it was a joke, and told me to 'lighten up'. He does this all the time. I need support and he makes a shitty joke that makes me question whether he is being serious or not.

AIBU to be pissed off by this stupid comment? Since I've been pregnant I've felt like I could cry at any moment so can't work out if my hormones are getting in the way or not. It's exhausting being pregnant and having a DP who makes a joke out of absolutely everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

KirbyKane · 22/04/2018 16:26

@sentMai that's not the case at all. We weren't having sex before for reasons I've explained and have also explained to him.

Things got better and we had sex in order for me to get pregnant. I have been off work with hyperemesis and have not been well.

You make it sound like I used him to have a baby which is not the case at all. I'm not that small.

OP posts:

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 16:28

@sentMai can you? Honestly?

Original poster

KirbyKane · 22/04/2018 16:31

@sentMai even if he did feel like this maybe he should grow a pair and actually tell me.

OP posts:

Jux · 22/04/2018 16:34

Well, you're going to have the most fabulous time for years to come, parenting with this guy, aren't you?

Original poster

KirbyKane · 22/04/2018 16:35

@ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo he's gorgeous, he's funny (when appropriate), a lovely dad to his daughter, hard working, we get on. There are good bits. This is just a major flaw that I'm struggling with.

OP posts:

sentMai · 22/04/2018 16:35

Yes, I can.

I know it's unpopular to no condemn the man but I can see why a relationship getting better for the short time for "had sex in order for me to get pregnant" before it going off track could have a damaging effect on either partner in a relationship.

If a woman had an issue where her DH had acted nicely enough to have unprotected sex (ending in a pregnancy) before moving away again, he would be chastised by every poster.

Original poster

KirbyKane · 22/04/2018 16:37

@sentMai "If a woman had an issue where her DH had acted nicely enough to have unprotected sex (ending in a pregnancy) before moving away again, he would be chastised by every poster."

I have hyperemesis for goodness sake! I was throwing up 15x a day at one point. I've hardly chosen to feel like this.

The situation you describe above is entirely different. It's a false dichotomy to compare the two unless his reason for pulling away again was because of illness.

OP posts:

youngnomore · 22/04/2018 16:39

Op. It’s not really fair to comment. I mean he could have been genuinely joking. It seems like the sex thing is still a touchy subject for you rather then him. But being pregnant and being sick I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting to have sex or to even want to have a sense of humour about it.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 22/04/2018 16:40

Being able to communicate respectfully should be pretty much the most important aspect of a relationship. Without that you’re just going through the motions of a relationship. You aren’t actually having one. Currently you’re just living in the same house as a good looking sulky teenager. You need to address his inability to communicate. He needs to acknowledge it and address it. If he is unwilling to do that I wouldn’t be interested in continuing any relationship with him.

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 16:50

If a woman had an issue where her DH had acted nicely enough to have unprotected sex (ending in a pregnancy) before moving away again, he would be chastised by every poster

Jesus Christ am I actually reading that you think a man having sex with his partner is him doing her a favour? Aye, because the poor put upon man was forced into it wasn’t he? Ludicrous. Absolutely ludicrous.

OP sex isn’t a right, it’s part of a loving and committed relationship which is fine in all other areas. It’s not something you do to stop your partner whining. Or it shouldn’t be. Both parties should want to, otherwise it’s not pleasant is it?

sentMai · 22/04/2018 16:51

But whether planned or not, just beginning a healthier sex life before getting pregnant is not ideal.

I'm not blaming you. I'm saying that no sex, pregnant, no sex is hardly healthy for anyone involved (you and the father).

LifeBeginsAtGin · 22/04/2018 16:53

I think it was a mistake to get pregnant by this man. He clearly treats you as a convenience and when you ask for support he makes jokes. He isn't bothered about supporting you.

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 16:53

@sentMai oh bore off. You expect a woman in the early stages of pregnancy, vomiting 15 + times a day to be interested in sex? And you can’t see that her partner being a brat about it and not supporting her in her time of need isn’t ok?

Are you from the 1950s?

Original poster

KirbyKane · 22/04/2018 16:56

@sentMai "But whether planned or not, just beginning a healthier sex life before getting pregnant is not ideal."

So I was meant to determine that I would have hyperemesis, put off ttc until we'd been having sex for say... 3? 4 months? And THEN stop having sex again?

You sound like you're in cloud cuckoo land to be honest.

OP posts:

sentMai · 22/04/2018 16:56

Not for a second.

I'm saying that no sex, followed by pregnancy, followed by no sex would lead the most understanding man or woman to question the relationship.

Sex is a privilege (not right) which requires trust on either side and I can understand why it could be lost in this situation.

Original poster

KirbyKane · 22/04/2018 16:58

@sentMai your point makes no sense. If I was choosing not to have sex with him and only had sex once whilst ttc (how do you know it didn't take us 6 months of sex every day?) then got pregnant and decided not to have sex again then fine.

I HAVE HYPEREMESIS, there should be no questioning this regardless of what our sex life was like before!

OP posts:

sentMai · 22/04/2018 17:00

sorry for the x-post.

Yes, I'd have put off TTC until my relationship had been on an even keel for a good time. I'd go for years as opposed to months. In fact, I did. Marriage was the first step but I / we waited for 4 years of mostly positiveness to move on to the next step.

sentMai · 22/04/2018 17:02

really sorry for the triple post

You have my utmost sympathies for the hyperemesis. All I have said is that I can understand the strain when the only sex has been for "TTC".

OnTheRise · 22/04/2018 17:10

It's highly likely that you would feel more like having sex with him if he were able to talk problems through with you, instead of making jokes at your expense and sulking and blaming you when you pull him up on it.

He does not sound like a kind or supportive partner, OP.

Original poster

KirbyKane · 22/04/2018 18:32

@sentMai "no DP, I don't want to have kids with you at the moment because of that rough patch we had 2 years ago" probably wouldn't go down very well... We also don't plan on ever getting married as it's not for us. I think your advice is unrealistic but thanks nonetheless.

OP posts:

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 22/04/2018 18:46

no sex, followed by pregnancy, followed by no sex would lead the most understanding man or woman to question the relationship.

Bollocks would it!! The most understanding man or woman would, er, understand the reason. Idiot.

Shoxfordian · 22/04/2018 18:50

He sounds like an insensitive idiot

Original poster

KirbyKane · 22/04/2018 18:55

@ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo no reasoning with stupid!

OP posts:

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