To not want to discuss /explain our separation to MIL

[RosaDeZoett]

Just that really. Do I owe her an explanation? Especially since one of the (many) reasons is the lack of boundaries with x's family. Is it fair to tell her if she wants to discuss it she should discuss with her son. I know also she will attempt to guilt me into giving it another go. Am I being a horrible bitch to refuse to discuss with her??

No your relationship has nothing to do with her.

Feel no guilt OP

Sorry, just to add, I'm really trying to be as amicable as possible in the interests of the kids, and I don't want to damage their relationship with his side of the family.

Thanks pinyata, I do feel guilty for the kids. But not sure if I'm supposed to be feeling guilty for the extended ex family too

Their relationship with your DC is for their dad to sort out.

If one of the issues was a lack of boundaries, which ex MIL is still perpetuating, this is the right time to draw a line and create some boundaries which you mean to maintain and not let her or the rest of his side of the family cross.

Your intentions are clearly very good and kind but post split, you need to focus your energies on yourself and looking forward.

She’s disrespecting you and your wishes by trying to get you to change your mind and stay in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy.

It’s okay to put your foot down. It’s healthy. It’s also a habit and takes practise but you have a chance now to start afresh and make communications, if you want them, to be on your terms. The wife work of you arranging contact between the children and ex Inlaws is over now.

Thanks Annelovesgilbert, yes, I need to form many new habits! I want to do what's best for the kids, but I get so confused at times. About my own motivations, I want to be sure I'm not being petty. And it really is such a habit, putting what's best for others ahead of my own needs. I want to put the kids first, me second and everyone can just bugger off and look after themselves!

You are allowed to have boundaries, and should. You don't need to make it confrontational, just 'I really think you need to discuss that with your son, depending on how he feels. I want to maintain a good relationship with you, for your grandchildren, but I don't feel it's appropriate to discuss with you'. Or variation thereof. Don't feel bad!

You are not unreasonable OP. Your STBXH should deal with his family That said, you will need to have a modicum of contact with his side, especially around family celebrations etc. Perhaps Use phrases like "I appreciate that this is of interest right now. I suggest you speak with STBXH."

'we've made our decision, Jennifer. If STBXH wants to discuss it with you, that's up to him. I really hope he will make sure the DCs still get to see you, they are very fond of their DGM, I certainly will co-operate with him over that.'

She's not trying to be helpful zzz she's all about control! Some excellent rinse and repeat phrases there. I'd love to say "I appreciate this is of interest right now, however....." 😂 😂 Her head would explode!

It would be a HUGE mistake to talk to your MIL about your separation. All it will serve to do is pour fuel on her fire. If she has questions, she can ask her son.

Thanks for the replies, it all really helps. When I discuss this with friends in RL they tend to tell me what they think I want to hear, ie I am totally in the right! But they are (kindly and lovingly) biased. It's really helpful to get unbiased opinions.

'MIL, let's talk about something else. This isn't something that you should have to worry about, and I'm glad of that as I hope it will mean we stay on very good terms.'

Nicely veiled way of saying bog off with your nosiness or you'll piss me off.

Dear Mil let me tell you one of the the reasons was lack of boundaries with your side of the family.

I feel what your doing now is a good example of crossing those boundaries, I would like to stay on good terms.

You're definitely not being unreasonable, OP. Your ex MIL needs to keep her nose out of it, it's between you and your STBXH. You should start as you mean to go on, otherwise she'll persist in her interference.

This reminds me of whey my DSis was separating from her abusive ex. Her ex MIL apparently told her DS that if he and my DSis divorced it would kill his father. Completely ridiculous, his dad was a Second World War veteran, so he was well capable of coping with a divorce in the family.

Least said, soonest mended, though don't tell your STBXMIL that, or she'll realise you have something to say which would probably anger her!!