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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to feel alarmed by this man's actions?

22 replies

ProlificWorrier · 22/04/2018 12:10

I've changed usernames for this and will try to avoid specifics in case someone recognises me from this.

Basically I started a new job a few months ago. I'm a quiet person and often worry about being seen as rude and other people in the office had commented I need to talk to people more.

With this in mind, I had a few chats with this guy who seemed nice and thought he was trying to welcome me to the organisation. He didn't flirt with me or anything and I genuinely thought he was being friendly and welcoming. He gave me his number and said to text him if I ever wanted to chat. I've had people of the opposite sexes' numbers before in workplaces and didn't think much of it.

I texted him and soon he began telling me how pretty I am, how the best thing that happens at work is seeing me and that he knows where I live. He started messaging me every day, like 10-15 messages each day even if I didn't respond. Being the naive idiot I am, I just tried to gently bat away the comments and keep the conversation platonic. I told him in the last few days I don't want want to be messaged daily but now he keeps messaging me even though I'm ignoring him.

I sincerely regret ever giving him my number but I thought as someone who was a lot older than me and senior to me he would be professional (yeah, I know, apparently I've missed the massive outpour of stories in the news over the past year of similar stories women have gone through!) I guess I also trusted him as he has a responsible job and thought he would know better than to make me uncomfortable and borderline harass me.

Am I silly to worry he will escalate his behaviour? I am the kind of person who tries to avoid conflict but just want him to leave me alone. He ramped up his attempts to flirt with me and the volume of messages whilst I was going through a difficult and upsetting situation at work which now, is obviously a big red flag to me. He didn't try to support me through it at all, he just kept talking about my appearance and saying inappropriate stuff.

I now dread going into work and seeing him. I've started using an exit where I have to walk through another company's exit points just so I don't bump into him.

OP posts:

Kraggle · 22/04/2018 12:13

Screen shot the messages, block him, speak to HR.

HollowTalk · 22/04/2018 12:13

Ugh, you poor thing.

Is he your manager? If not I think I'd talk to my manager about him. I would block him on the phone, but keep a record of all his messages.

MollyDaydream · 22/04/2018 12:14

Text him and state clearly that you are not interested and you don't want to receive any further messages from him.
If he messages you again report to HR.

Dvg · 22/04/2018 12:15

I would either find another job or message him telling him that he's being unnappropriate and to stop and if he doesnt then raise it with managers, never reply to the texts and keep them all so you have evidence.

JustWanderingAbout · 22/04/2018 12:18

You need to be very very clear that his messages are unwanted. It might be best to tell him that you don’t want any further messages at all. Screen shot the message and then if he continues to message you tell him you will go to Hr if he doesn’t stop. Then go to hr if he continues

Original poster

ProlificWorrier · 22/04/2018 12:19

I probably shouldn't say this but he is quite a senior ranked police officer so I'm worried about the repercussions of reporting him. I'm going to send him a final message today saying I don't want him to message me anymore and I'm really hoping he stops it.

I've already had some issues at work that I alluded to so I really don't want to be seen as some kind of troublemaker. He isn't my manager but he is very senior to me although I don't report to him, if that makes sense.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 22/04/2018 12:24

Stop saying anything. One last text saying "please stop messaging me" and block his number.
Don't engage.
Tell h r now.ie tomorrow
Show them the messages.

He may have done this before and will again. Don't send a message to threaten h r as that is engaging with him and he could use that against you. just report.
Tomorrow. Before he reports you to them . he may twist in his favour. Especially if you are effective ly threatening.

Poshindevon · 22/04/2018 12:35

Why do women always think they cannot report men who hold a senior position in the company.
Just repott this man you have sufficient evidence.

DiegoMadonna · 22/04/2018 12:37

Why do women always think they cannot report men who hold a senior position in the company

Yeah, I don't get this. Go to the person you DO report to, and show him or her the messages.

Gottagetmoving · 22/04/2018 12:39

Forget he is a senior anything!
He is a man who is ignoring your requests to stop messaging you. You have evidence. Report him.

colditz · 22/04/2018 12:40

Why do women always think they cannot report men who hold a senior position in the company.

Because of the huge numbers of newspaper and magazine articles that, despite male baying that they're the victims, report that woman gets harassed, woman reports harassment, woman is sacked for "unrelated timekeeping issues" that were somehow never an issue before.

AornisHades · 22/04/2018 12:41

Could you talk to your Police Federation rep too?

Tistheseason17 · 22/04/2018 12:42

Don't engage. Report to your ranking officer immediately. Hope it goes ok.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2018 12:43

Please speak to hr. it doesnt matter who he is. You need to be safe. There was a thread on here the other day about a woman, who was raped by a colleague and her bosses did sweet fa even when he openly admitted it to them (she didn’t want to report it to the police).

I think you’ve done enough already without asking him to stop again. Please go to hr and when you speak to them, make it very clear that were intimidated and didn’t know how to handle the situation due to his high rank. And the reason as to why you gave out your number.

Juells · 22/04/2018 12:58

It's an awful hassle to change phones, but could you just get rid of that phone?

ErrmWTAF · 22/04/2018 12:58

Please report, to HR and PoliceFed.

Elendon · 22/04/2018 13:00

No you are not being unreasonable to be alarmed about his actions. He has clearly breached a line.

Report his actions. Stay in the career you love, and his actions are intimidating. I would first talk to ACAS as to how you proceed with your discussion with HR.

www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=1461

YippeeTipTap · 22/04/2018 13:04

Block his number immediately. There is no need to send him a final warning. I’m not sure why you think you need to.

How long has he been texting you?

HildaZelda · 22/04/2018 13:07

Screenshoot (and save) all the messages OP. I would report him to be honest. I'd be more than willing to bet that it's not the first time he's done something like this either.

GirlsBlouse17 · 22/04/2018 13:24

Don't delete any of the messages OP. You may need them as evidence at some point. As you said, text him to say you want him to stop. If he continues, say you are going to report him for harassment if he doesn't leave you alone. If he still continues then report him. Or report him now if you feel able to. As a pp suggested, speak to a federation rep. Don't delete the messages though and keep a written record of anything else he says or does. Keep a diary or something. Is a bit worrying he said he knows where you live. Get a chain lock put on your front door.

HollowTalk · 22/04/2018 13:49

Are you married, OP? If so, could your husband send a text asking who the hell this is?

cestlavielife · 22/04/2018 17:29

This is a work place based harassment because she cannot avoid him at work

Get work HR to address it.

Don't involve your husband or other in sending messages to him
Block him and report.

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