Daughter never visits me

[ElizaJessie]

Hi All

My oldest DD has lived abroad for approximately eight years now. She married a Latvian man just after she graduated from university and he persuaded her to move there with him. At first she'd come back every Christmas and at regular intervals throughout the year, but five years ago she just stopped. She said that she'd rather spend Christmas with her new family, which I understood although the Christmas table always feels so empty without her. But she has stopped visiting at all and hasn't been back for five years. My mum, her gran, is getting on a bit and isn't really well enough to travel anymore and misses her terribly. We visit her every year and last year I took my mum to see her and it broke my heart to have my mum tell me on the plane back "I'll probably never see DD again".

I try to discuss it with DD and tell her everyone is dying to see her but she refuses to discuss it. We speak on Skype at least twice a week and we're ever so close and she always tells me she loves me but whenever I ask her to visit she just says "I'm not ready" and shuts me down completely. She is very happy with her husband who is a lovely man and her new home but I can't fathom why she's staying away and doesn't even want to come over for the weekend. Money isn't the issue because she's quite comfortable and I've even offered to buy her plane tickets as a birthday present. She did have a very happy life here but I don't understand why she's turned her back on it all. She hinted that she may come back this year but has now changed her mind and just says "It's not the right time". I was ever so looking forward to going to meet her at the airport.

Am I being unreasonable for getting so upset about this? We put the things she left behind (mainly books and music) in the loft the other week to finally redecorate her bedroom and it was devastating.

names edited out by MNHQ

It's the not being ready that would have me think that there is something at home she does not want to face. Something she has not told you.

Could it be something she is not confiding in you about? Perhaps they have been TTC and keep losing the babies so she is too upset to travel?
Could be many things going on that would make her not want to travel.
And you say you visit every year? So you ARE seeing her... just not as often as youd like. That also points to the issue being with her travelling rather than her seeing you at all... which makes some sort of emotional or medical reason that she doesnt want to worry you with seem more likely?

My family live in Italy and I live in Uk. I see them around twice a year but there have been years where ive been unable to see them at all.

My husbands family live in Korea and he sees them only once every two years!

We do have two kids tho so its v expensive for us to get across there.

Comments like her grandmother ‘never seeing her again’ can never be heard by her.
I understand not guilt tripping on behalf of yourself but actually if the gm is old or frail then I fail to see why this shouldn't be said. Even if no-one else is told of the visit.

I'm interested in this one because my husband is missing his daughter (my stepdaughter) in a similar way. But she lives in this country just a 90 minute train journey away city to city - though the journey might take more like 3 hours door to door. So travelling is quicker/rather cheaper. She does, however, have a full time job.

The not-seeing people seems to have got even more pronounced since she married her long-term boyfriend a year ago.

It's not just her Dad she doesn't see. It's also her younger sister, her brother and her mother - who has been very ill. Plus all her old friends.

I do appreciate she has a busy new life with her new friends. However, there is a question for me about whether you do 'owe' parents a little even if the new life is very full. She doesn't even pick up the phone. It's my husband who texts her.

But she is very involved with her husband's family. One issue might be that in the culture which her husband is from, the family of the groom is traditionally more important than the family of the bride.

Although she is my stepdaughter rather than my daughter she lived in our house for a couple of years, and spent a great deal of time with us in her childhood. She also adored my daughter, her sister.

So we can't help feeling sad about this.

Is she scared of flying?
Or a bit agoraphobic?

I wish people would read the OP/thread properly. OP does go and visit her DD, and DD is a housewife so a more stressful work culture and have limited time off would not apply here.

That aside, I'm sorry you're in this situation, OP. It sounds very hard, but if she's not ready to return for whatever reason (and it doesn't sound like she's unhappy/being controlled into stayed) there's nothing to be done. At least you're able to skype, which is amazing for staying in touch. I live a long way from my parents and they come here more than I go back, which I appreciate a lot, but we both think we are probably closer and have a better relationship through not living nearer to each other. As for your mother/her nan, that's one of the things that happens if you don't all live side by side and there'll always be a last time they see each other. It is very sad, but very normal and natural and more about your mum getting older than your DD being away. Your DD coming back one more time to see her would also have its sadness. These things are hard, but if she was living closer with the wrong guy it would be much worse.

Op there are many reasons why your daughter may not be eager to come home

• Her husband could be controlling or abusive (you say he is lovely, but abusers can put on an act so that the outside world don't see what is really happening, even if you stay with them an abuser can put on an act and make you think they are charming and the abuse victim is often too scared to speak out so will just say everything is fine)

• Her in laws could be controlling and may not want her to travel, in some cultures they may see it as she married into their family she should spend Christmas etc with them

• You don't know their money situation, even a person who appears to be well off can in fact be strapped for cash , you don't know what bills and debts they really have,

*Maybe her husband has had an affair , and she doesn't feel comfortable leaving him alone incase he strays (plenty of people would keep something like that private, she's not obliged to tell you)

*Maybe she had an affair and her husband doesn't trust her, so she has decided to stay and work on her marriage

• Maybe she has committed a crime in her new country that she hasn't told you about (because why would she? She's a adult) and it would prevent her from entering your country

*Maybe something bad happened on a last visit that you don't know about, maybe an argument with a friend, a one night stand with an ex, even a rape...and she can't face the flashbacks if she returns home

*Maybe your experiences of her coming home and get experiences of coming home are completely different...maybe you love it because you get to see her, but she may dread it for the cost, the time out of her schedule, the travel, and if you are in her business the whole time she visits maybe it can get too much)

If your own mother feels she won't be able to visit her again then why not install Skype and let her see her in Skype..

• Also the coat of visiting you may mean they can't afford a holiday too...and let's be real a trip to a town you grew up in cant compare to having a vacation...

• Maybe they want to save money so they can have children...

• If you can afford to visit her (and since you keep offering to buy her plane tickets then you obviously can) then you should visit her...but ask her if its ok for you to visit (don't just tell her you are coming, and ask her when is convenient for her to have you visit, remember that she has a life there now)

Also why not form a WhatsApp group,
(you, your daughter and your mum) and you all can call. Text, video chat, swap videos and photos for free

But over all I would not push it with her...if you push it too often you will push her away into the arms of her new family

It genuinely sounds v hard for you. But you cannot affect her decision to visit, so I'd say stop commenting /asking about /mentioning her visiting completely! Literally, put it from your mind and accept it is just not going to happen. You probably mention it much more than you realise and every mention will be interpreted by her as pressure and will guilt trip her and put her off visiting even more.

By easing off you give her space to consider what she wants, without having to defend herself to you. She may even open up to you about why she doesn't want to visit if you stop asking her when she will.

You speak to her most days and visit her every year, so you have more contact than some families do who live much closer to each other. Be grateful for that love and contact and work on supporting her. Ask yourself does it really matter if you/grandma doesn't get to see her in person, when you get to talk /Skype with her all the time? Would your relationship really be enhanced that much by her being in your house for a weekend?

If visiting is important to you (and no reason why it shouldn't be) could you visit her twice a year instead of once? If she's OK with that?

I hope that's helpful, though it'll be hard for you. I adore my mum and she is v helpful to me, but sometimes she can get like a dog with a bone when she has an idea she thinks is good. I've found it really overwhelming and intrusive at times when she's said 'I know you've said no, but...' and then rehashed her idea in a different way. Argh, no, just no! It made me feel helpless, like a teenager and really 'got at'. But in recent years I've got better at saying 'I've said no, please stop asking me'. Every time some things are brought up. It's hard though!

*your experiences of her coming home and her experiences of coming home

@dayinlifeof

Because It’s overly dramatic and driven to make the daughter feel guilty. Anything can happen to anyone at anytime. There’s no evidence to prove that the old gran is at deaths door. My gran said she’d probably be dead soon at the end if ever visit for 25 years! She lived until she was 96.old people have a habit of saying things like that and it’s not particularly fair. I think it’s to help them accept their own mortality but it actually makes family members feel crap.

Plus maybe the daughter isn’t that close to the grandma. It’s her choice if she sees her or not. She might not see her that often in the U.K. anyway.

Is it possible she has developed some kind of anxiety where she cannot travel/fly but is embarrassed to tell you?

Could you write to her? Tell her you’re sorry you’ve pressured her in the past to come home. But that you’re genuinely worried about her saying she’s not ready. Is she ok? She can tell you anything. You’ll love her whatever she means.

Op when you next visit and the DH is not around, could you gently ask her what she means by 'not ready' as that is very odd and rings alarm bells.

Tell her she has your absolute trust, you will not, judge, interfere, repeat whatever she says under any circustances, just listen.

If still nothing then ask if you have inadvertantly upset or offended her in any way, again promise not to react if this is the case.

My feeling from what she has said is there is something you do not know. Offer unconditional love and support and she may feel she can talk to you.

I do think of family as a kind of insurance policy. This may sound calculated, but it seems to me how non-dysfunctional works.

Don't want to hijack the thread, but in the case of my stepdaughter it may be that she is very happily married and busy (OP's daughter not so busy). She has new friends and enjoys the company of her husband's family. It may be that she feels part of growing up is moving beyond the world of her parents and siblings, and the friends she had up until her early twenties.

On the other hand marriage is not necessarily stable. (This is one reason why MN tends to advise people not to keep their hand in in terms of the jobs market.) So that if a youngish married woman decides she no longer needs her old friends and family - that her husband's family and his friends are now the world she wants to inhabit - she does become quite vulnerable if/when something goes wrong in the marriage.

'How non-dysfunctional families work', I should have said.

'Not Ready'sounds very odd.
Did something happen in her home country ?
Was she attacked?
Sexually assaulted ?
Bullied ?
Is her Dad around ? If so what is her relationship with him like?
Does she have a step father or step mother? Siblings ? Step siblings? Half siblings ?
Could her husband, behind your back be very controlling ?
So often, women on here have said how lovely their abuser appeared to others.
Verbal
Emotional
Financial
Abuse ?
So many possibilities.
Or she might just be selfish and not care about her fm and you.

I think pp who have suggested an anxiety or mh issue (or just a home-sickness/unhappiness problem ) are possibly on the right track. I know from experience that it is possible to be very happy with one's spouse, and at the same time miss one's family dreadfully, and feel very torn between the two.

Speaking as an expat who is extremely close to their family, as much as one loves one's other half, it can be very very hard to go home and participate in family Christmases, celebrations, summers etc and have a wonderful time and then leave again ... . The better the visit, the harder it is to leave! Being home can also remind you of all the dreams you had of establishing a life there, but didn't fulfill. Even harder when visits involve illnesses and bereavement (although I know this sounds incredibly selfish). But it is hard getting back on the plane with your mind full of worry, wondering if you will see your parent alive again.

Added to that it also becomes rather disorientating living between two cultures and never feeling properly "at home". There came a point when I needed to establish my own life here and celebrate our own Christmases and Easters. I know some members of my family found that hard to deal with, although they have been great about it.

Added to the issues above, if your daughter doesn't work and her life has "shrunk" to an extent, she may have lost confidence, or income, or just finds it too emotionally painful. Or are people constantly asking her "when are you going to get a job/have a baby?" when she visits and she is struggling with those things?

So -op - I don't think you should put pressure on her - but maybe ask her gently why she hasn't visited in five years, and frame it in terms of feeling concerned about her and her welfare? If she is struggling with mh or anxiety or home-sickness, be prepared that she may not be able to articulate clearly why she finds it so hard to come home, it may be a self-protective mechanism, and something she needs help with. Ultimately if she is avoiding coming home, because it makes her feel too homesick to do so, in the nicest possible way, she needs to confront that in order to overcome it ifyswim.

you sound really nice :(

I see my parents rarely and would have to fly to see them. I’m in London next month over night for work. They don’t know I am and I won’t see them. Although I perhaps would. I rarely go back to where I was brought up because some bad things happened to me there and it gets me down. My parents don’t know this though. They have no idea. It may be that there is something she doesn’t want to face?

Am I the only one who thinks it’s odd that it’s taken you 8 years to move her things to the loft and redecorate her room - were you always hoping she’d change her mind and come home? It sounds like there’s something she can’t face about coming home - I don’t think you’ll get your answers unless you find out what that is

That's what I thought Concise.

Maybe she just really dislikes the UK. I've been living abroad for over a decade, the first few years I would visit the UK a few times a year, then it went to once a year. Honestly I hate it. Cold, grey, dirty, food tastes plasticky, generally I find people there miserable and it's so expensive. The longer I'm away, the more I notice it. I like good weather, clean streets, good tasting food and people walking around with smiles.
I'm not saying everyone feels like this, but maybe she does.

Everyone visits here except 1 elderly not in the best of health relative. I go back to see them. If they weren't about I don't think I'd go at all.

Did you change your daughter's name for this post, Eliza? If not, it's not the best idea to use real names, so you could report your post to mumsnet HQ and they'll remove/change the name for you.

Lovely when the op returns to acknowledge people's responses isn't it? (Harrumph.)