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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Siblings dont have children but I do.

24 replies

upsideup · 20/04/2018 23:23

Both of my sisters dont have children, I have 4. We dont have a paticularly close relationship with eachother but we still do cards and gifts for special occasions, so me and DH buy gifts from us to and the kids for each of them (and for the partner of the sister in a relationship) and then they are buying gifts for us and for each of the 4 kids.
They both go over the top on presents to the kids, I dont know why, its greatly appreciated but is not asked for or expected.

AIBU to not have been buying them gifts for their birthday/christmas equal to the amount they spend overall on us and our children?

OP posts:

AtSea1979 · 20/04/2018 23:25

So you begrudge buying them or you can’t afford them? Your post isn’t clear.

MyKingdomForBrie · 20/04/2018 23:25

Gifts are not meant to be exchanged with a strictly matching budget - kind of defeats the purpose.

Your kids are separate members of their family who presumably they like buying nice things for or they wouldn’t splash out. I would just make sure you always make sure the kids write nice thank you notes.

Matrons · 20/04/2018 23:26

No of course not. Adults always spend more on children.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 20/04/2018 23:30

Do you have any reason to think anyone is unhappy with this?

banannabreadforme · 20/04/2018 23:31

My DH and I have agreed with our siblings and their partners to not buy gifts or cards anymore. We have a meal out with a few drinks instead. All paying our own bill. We buy things for the children and grandparents.

Fruitcorner123 · 20/04/2018 23:33

You are overthinking, it's up to them what they spend on your children. If you wanted to you could suggest they don't need to get you anything as they have the kids to buy for but it doesn't sound necessary.

Original poster

upsideup · 20/04/2018 23:39

We could techincally afford to do it but the total amount they spend on all our kids is extremely high and was not agreed with us, we dont spend that much on presents for family members we are close with so I would kind of begrudge having to spend that much on one gift for them to match the the amount they volunatrily choose to spend on our kids.

OP posts:

Ylvamoon · 20/04/2018 23:40

A gift is something you want to give to an other person.

If you feel you "have to give" or "match the financial value" than it's simply wrong. As adults, we should understand the meaning of a gift as a special token not a given right!
(Obviously it is different for children...)

Original poster

upsideup · 20/04/2018 23:44

1 sister commented today on how we didnt, it was over text so granted I couldnt sense her tone to see what she meant by it but I cant see how it was meant nicely.
Our mum used to comment on how rude it was that I didnt do it but we are NC now, I hadnt thought my sister would feel the same way.

OP posts:

MyDcAreMarvel · 20/04/2018 23:51

It’s a normal situation to spend quite a bit more on Kids and either a token gift or a card for adults.

aaarrrggghhhh · 21/04/2018 00:01

As an auntie with no children of my own I send vast sums on my niblings and for sister and brother-in-law a respectable but by no means huge amount. They probably spend a bit more on my present than I spend on their (adult presents) but not at all as much as I spend on the kids and I wouldn't expect them to! I see the presents to the kids as a separate thing between me and them as their auntie - nothing to do with my sister and brother-in-law.

Sammy901 · 21/04/2018 00:08

Set up a budget with them then ? Tell them just to spend £10 each on the kids so that way you don’t have to spend as much on them

I spend more on my brother then what he does on me at Xmas etc as he also buys for my kids so I make up the difference or spend abit extra.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/04/2018 00:11

What and how much they choose to gift to your family is their business and it's not a competition. My only advise is to make sure you have your children write proper thank you notes. It's a good life lesson.

RafikiIsTheBest · 21/04/2018 00:27

DP and I are the only childless couple in our family, all siblings have between 1 and 4 children. I always make sure I buy presents within our budget for my nieces and nephews, and I always get my siblings a birthday present. In return, all I expect is a thank you from the kids (or the parents if kids can't). If the cost of thought was based on what my siblings get me for my birthday or Christmas I wouldn't be getting them much of anything, often I'm lucky to get a FB post to say happy birthday usually late in the afternoon when they are on FB posting all sorts of other bits (so assume that it's FB reminding them).
I assume with kids, jobs and life in general that they are a bit forgetful and unorganised and don't take it personally, we aren't close and have little in common. My DBro seems to be of the thought stuff like presents are the woman's job, and my DSis hasn't had the easiest of lives with her 4 kids and shit choice in men.

catkind · 21/04/2018 00:48

Doesn't make sense to me. So every time you have another child (and therefore less money knocking around!) you are supposed to spend more on their aunts' and uncles' gifts?

TodayImThisName · 21/04/2018 00:53

I’d suggest a family budget. Each family spends around the same on each of the other families. You could suggest they spend all their budget on your kids and not on you or you husband.

TBH if it were me I’d be suggesting everyone quit with the presents and to spend the money on get togethers or meals out together or something.

Thursdaydreaming · 21/04/2018 01:20

If it were me I would have a conversation with them, saying "I've been thinking, you two are so generous when it comes to kids presents, I don't want you to be spending to much. Let's agree that kids budget is £10/no presents for me/no presents for adults/cards only/etc". Then if they want to keep doing it they can, but they have been given an out.

Many aunts in this situation do enjoy spoiling their nieces and nephews if they have the means. However others (some who have posted on Mn about it) feel it is unfair and do it through obligation only. So let them know you are giving them the choice.

curlii103 · 21/04/2018 06:47

I don't but I have a different relationship with my siblings. I spend more than they do on Me but they are generous to my children through their own choice.

Mannix · 21/04/2018 06:56

I think it's usual to spend more on kids than adults. However, if your sister has made a comment implying she's not happy with it, then I would suggest she spends less on your DC than for you to start spending more on her. Otherwise you get into a ridiculous cycle of overspending that you don't want.

My brother has one DC while I have three. We're not into extravagant gifts at all, but it's almost inevitable that he spends more on three kids than I do on one. I am more generous with his DD than I would be if I had to buy for more, but I don't try to exactly match his spend.

makeitpink · 21/04/2018 06:58

I have two DC and one on the way, my sister doesn't have any yet. I tend to spend a bit more on her for birthdays etc because it's from me and the children. And she buys for them and me. And I like to spoil her 😂😂 but I don't think she expects it? And when she gives gifts to me/DC's I don't really consider the ££ just appreciate the thought behind it.

Skippetydoodah · 21/04/2018 07:03

No DCs here and I have 2 DNs. Christmas time I buy for the children but not for DB and his GF. In the past DB has sent us hampers and things like that but last year I asked him not to as they're not loaded and I don't feel like I need 'repaying' for buying gifts for the children, it's entirely separate to me. If your sister feels resentful of the amount she spends she should choose less expensive gifts to give!

Bowlofbabelfish · 21/04/2018 07:05

‘You’re so generous with the kids. You really don’t have to spend that much - a token xxx gift is enough, they really just like opening something and seeing you when you visit.’

And repeat.

Xenia · 21/04/2018 07:09

There are no rights and wrongs in this issue. I noticed last night reading an old notebook that my parents bought presents for my father's siblings and their 2 children before we children came along (my parents tried quite a while before they could have children and my father was the youngest sibling). Then we came along and they certainly gave presents back. I think when time and money are tight if it works within a family not giving presents to adult brothers and sisters is fine on a mutually agreed basis and I have said once my children turn 18 no more niece/;nephew presents otherwise we might be at it for another 30 years. it is unfair I have more chldren than the numbers in the rest of the family but gifts are presents and never given to get back.

If the sister here is hinting may be text back saying you are really sorry if she had expected presents and may be the simplest way from now on would be no presents at all between siblings or their children. I tihnk that might be easiest as long as your children can cope with getting nothing from that quarter.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/04/2018 07:38

I’d respond that your children really appreciate the gifts she gives. That you are grateful and don’t expect her to be so generous. You are sorry she feels undervalued because you don’t spend as much on her. However, much as you love her, having children gives you different financial pressures and commitments. Suggest that perhaps if she feels this way, she could think about spending less on the children as you cannot see any other way frojnd it. If one day she becomes a parent, her child((ren) will receive gifts from loving aunts and uncles.

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