To be peed off when I know what DH said but he denies it

[tigercub50]

We have had this before, when DH will tell me that he didn’t mean to say something in a certain way, but this wasn’t about his meaning. It’s unseasonably warm weather so this morning DH asked me to turn the heating off - those were his exact words. Then this afternoon he said I shouldn’t have turned the heating off & you never should. According to him, he had told me to turn it down to 5 degrees. Now I know he definitely didn’t say that because I was surprised when he said to turn it off ( usually we do put it to 5 degrees if it’s got warm enough). I ended up nearly shouting at him. In the grand scheme of things it isn’t really important but it’s the fact that he was in a way saying it was my fault ( he thought he might have to reprogramme the whole system) rather than just accepting that he’d got it wrong. I wish I could record him! Can anyone identify with this?

Why can't you record him?

As long as you won't need the recording to use in a court case you're grand.

He's gaslighting - call him out on it.

My exDH was a gaslighter. It eventually makes you question your own sanity.

Rather than recording him perhaps counselling would help.

If you normally turn it down to 5 degrees as "off" I suppose he assumed that by saying "off" you would know that meant down to 5 degrees. But when it came out, he should have owned it rather than blaming you.

As Annie says if your normal 'off' arrangement is down to 5 degrees then he meant down to 5 degrees but said Off.
It was shorthand. You might have expected he meant that, if that's your normal arrangement but he can't complain if he actually said Off!

What he should do now is say Yes OK I actually said Off but I expected you to know what I meant. I'll say it properly next time.
Matter over!

Is he incapable of doing the job himself?

Tell him to do it himself as you clearly can't be trusted! He will soon get tired. He is a gaslighting pratt.

Does he tell you what to do a lot or is this a turn of phrase?

Yes next time he tells you to do something tell him to do it himself. What are you his personal assistant?

I clicked on this post because my DH used to do this all the time. He would deny conversation we had had. He would also fabricate conversations where I would have conveniently agreed to stuff I would never agree to ('of course I want to spend the entire bank holiday weekend with my ILs!').
It used to drive me crazy.

In your case though, if he doesn't usually do this, it's possible that he genuinely thinks he did say 5 degrees to you, or can't remember but assumes he did. Just as annoying for you but not necessarily gaslighting.

You said you’ve had this before, he said something and he didn’t mean it the way you took it.
He’s gaslighting you.
Look it up

OMG, I get that!
Me: Do you want chicken or fish for dinner?
Him: Yes!
Me: But which one?
Him: OK!

Mine does this. It's not gaslighting. It's genuine conviction that he said what he wants to have said - basically very powerful wishful thinking. I find it massively annoying and he gets called out on it, but there's really no abusive intent. Determining whether that's the case for your dh or he is gaslighting probably needs his other behaviour taking into consideration.

Mine is in the kitchen doing just that! Asking ds1 why he has something on that he has borrowed from his wardrobe. I told him on the phone earlier, he is in there denying it like mad whilst ds1 witnessed the call and is calmly correcting his dad!

It was a turn of phrase. I can’t recall why he didn’t do it himself - perhaps I had my phone handy & he didn’t have his.
I do call him out on it. I have also said that I can’t possibly misinterpret him every single time.
But if he is gaslighting, why would he? Would the world really end if he admitted he had said what he’s denying? He tells me I do it too. Well, if I do, it’s that I genuinely can’t remember saying something. I would never deny something that I know I’ve said.

sola82 you said your DH used to do it - did he change because you kept calling him on it?

Anyone else?

My husband is fucking awful for this. All the damn time. He even denies having said things that he has said at the dinner table in front of 4 adults. Absolutely convinced we’re all making it up. He’s either a moron or an evil bastard or maybe Beth. I’ve not decided.

Evil, gaslighting Beth is at it again!

My ex used to gaslight me terribly and still tries though I make every effort to communicate in text only so that I can pull him up with screenshots. I cannot stand this tactic and have a very low tolerance for bullshit from partners anymore.

Sometimes it's probably us just mis-hearing one another. Other times, we mis-speak. Yes, it can be annoying.

Repeatedly bringing annoyances to the other person's attention may sometimes works, but in my experience, it's only successful sporadically, at best, and we usually slide back into familiar patterns, sooner rather than later.

Have you tried telling him why it annoys you/how it makes you feel? Maybe that would make a more lasting impression than "you said X before"/"no, I didn't"/"yes, you did"/etc. However, it sounds like he's fairly defensive, so maybe that wouldn't make a difference.

Yes I used to call him on it every time. I would get really mad at him. It was actually before we were married and I wasn't prepared to marry him unless it stopped.

He never admitted to doing it, but he did stop.

Still doubtful about gaslighting, as from what I read on Google etc, it’s a campaign designed to make you think you’re going crazy. I certainly don’t doubt my sanity! It is bloody frustrating though!
I also should have called him out on his reaction after we had “ words” - he said next time he wouldn’t ask me. Mature! Perhaps it goes back to childhood & he just can’t admit when he’s in the wrong.

Bump