MIL aka Spawn of Satan

[RachelBW]

Myself and DH have been together for 6 years he moved 200 miles away from home to work and never went back - We fell pregnant very quickly and have a gorgeous (just turned) 5 year old. Married for nearly 1 year and blissfully happy. Well nearly everything is great apart from his mother.

She has always been a nightmare and unbearably rude but I have ALWAYS been civil. Ignored her comments and bit my tounge on more occasions than I care to remember.

A little bit of a background story: Her husband died 25 years ago when my DH was only 2. He has a sister who is now a mum also to a 2yo boy. From what DH and SIL says growing up with her was hard, MIL pushed away DIL's family, cut them off completely and wouldn't accept anybody's help with the kids. My DH took the brunt of her moods and moved out at a young age. My SIL also left home at a very early age as it was unbearable to be in the situation any more. 60 year old, no friends and hardly any family due to her poor attitude and accountability for anything. She is basically a very bitter lonely woman.

For the best part of 5 years we spoke for the sake of my daughter, she has always been very cold, rude and offish with myself and my family. She's hard work and its her way or the high-way. My SIL and DH have always been kind of 'under her control' they daren't go against her and often excuse her behaviour and sweep it under the carpet to never be talked about again. I'm not like that, if someone's behaviour is completely unacceptable towards myself or others I will call them out on it. I have on many occasions sat and listened to my DH shouting down the phone trying to get a word in to defend himself when she has kicked off about something small. She lives 200 miles away from us thankfully so we don't have to see her often

This last year has been the worst ever to the point we are no longer talking to MIL. 1: We asked her way before this if she wanted to contribute to the wedding, no pressure if not however she agreed she would purchase the cake. This soon changed when I didn't invite her to my hen do, I didn't invite my own mother this was purely for myself and my friends to have a good time. After she screamed at me regarding this (in front of our then 3 year old) she said we can basically shove the cake up our arse as she wouldn't give us a penny. Funnily enough came to the reception made it all about her, ate the food, drank the wine got very pissed and had to be put in a taxi... 2: A couple of weeks before the wedding she demanded that none of DILs family attend, bearing in mind these are people with a direct link to his deceased father. When we told her they WILL be at the wedding she went above our heads and got hold of his number from SIL to call them personally and warn them from coming. DH decided that the DILs family could come to the reception but the actual ceremony only MIL could be there as to not cause a scene. I still slightly resent DH for this decision, I do understand why but this was our day, why should we bow down to another of her request... 3: We was due to travel to see SIL for her sons 2nd birthday, MIL would be there. We were really tight for money and that month in particular had a choice to book a hotel (we couldn't stay in MILs house like we normally would of as she hated me beyond words by this point) by the time we had factored in petrol, hotel, food, birthday present and a day out which SIL had planned it soon totalled up and we simply couldn't afford a chunk which could of been a couple of food shops. We explained to SIL who ignored us and from there a huge argument erupted over txt with MIL. MIL was texting myself and DH individually although we was sat together and was throwing insults left right and centre. DH was a horrendous son, crap uncle and brother etc I was a slag who used DH as a sperm donor and trapped him, the worst thing he could of done was marry me...

Since this current of abuse via txt we haven't spoken with MIL - SIL is still trying to keep contact but is in a difficult situation as she lives with MIL who helps her out a lot with her little boy. A month ago a txt came through to invite DH and our daughter to her house along with all of DILs family (MIL hasn't spoken to them since she shouted down the phone a year ago threatening them not to come to the wedding - she hates them) to a party to celebrate their dads death 25 years ago. Odd. However, surprise surprise I wasn't invited to the party, she 'wasn't in the mood' to see me. Fine, I wasn't really overly please to see her also. DH decided he wouldn't go unless I was as we are a family. Turns out nobody attended the party as DILs family haven't spoken to her and would feel uncomfortable. Am I right in thinking this was her going out of her way to make me feel excluded?

As far as her relationship goes with our daughter - She doesn't have one. We have always said her problem is with us and not our daughter and if she wanted to go to visit in holidays we would meet her half way and it wouldn't be a problem. No birthday cards, no calls to speak with her, no contact to organise a visit, no Christmas card. She's not seen her in a year. Unfortunately for her our daughter is the apple of my parents eyes and sees them daily but never asks about MIL. A huge loss on her behalf.

All I have done is stick up for my family, I haven't laid down and taken her shit like everyone else does. I got him back in touch with DILs family he wasn't aloud to see for over 10 years. If I wanted a sperm donor I would have chosen a rich man and not my DH who was in shit loads of debt when he moved here which I helped to get him out of. He is now a settled family man who isn't under her control anymore and she hates it.

Where do I go from here? She didn't speak to DILs family for 25 years and can certainly hold a grudge. She never apologises so asking for a apology and moving on isn't on the cards. DH isn't arsed if he speaks to her again because of how she treats me but I don't want him to potentially resent me in 10 years time (although I don't think he would) I just cant put up with her shit anymore, she will not settle until me and DH are divorced and he is back near her. We try not to let it but it does put a strain on our relationship when she rears her head to have a go although he sticks up for himself now. Even now I will always be civil and say hello if she can ever bear to be in the same room as me again I just feel awful for the situation she has put DH in

If i were you I'd let my husband have whatever relationship he chooses with his mother and not engage. He can visit without you if he wants too but you don't have to have anything to do with her. If you live 200 miles away that shouldn't be too hard! She sounds like very hard work

She sounds very unreasonable and just be thankful you live so far away.

This bit though, do people actually do this?

We asked her way before this if she wanted to contribute to the wedding

Oh she'd hard work indeed, surely at 60 with no friends or family you would think is it something I have done or is it the way I speak to people? DH at the moment doesn't want anything to do with her as he is sick to his back teeth of her horrendous attitude. This may change though, I don't know how I will feel when DH and our daughter go away to see her in the future and I'm at home alone. This is what she wants but I guess ill just have to suck it up

Just go NC. She adds nothing to your life.

You sound like you’ve been more than patient.

She sounds awful (from your perspective) but what I don't understand is how you don't seem to have an ounce of empathy about her losing her husband when your dh was just two years old. Just put yourself in that position for a second. She didn't want help with the kids? Maybe she thought she had something to prove or maybe her husband told her things you are not privy to.

I don't doubt that it sounds like she is hard work but she's lost her dh and now her so. Lives 200 miles away with a dil who hates her and she has no relationship with her gd. More to be pitied than scorned. Also agree with pp asking her if you wanted to contribute to the wedding is beyond tacky and did it not occur to you she was really looking forward to being part of your hen do? What an evil witch for wanting to be involved...

I'm being devils advocate I know it won't be black or white but seriously maybe think about cutting her some slack?

We wasn't going to, however my parents wanted to pay for the venue and my dress and my DH said it was only fair she puts a little but of money towards it. I couldn't give a damn if she did or not and to be honest if she did she would probably dictate who ate the cake

my DH said it was only fair she puts a little but of money towards it.

why is it "only fair" she isn't the one getting married

Where do you go from here? NC with her. Completely. Your DH can have a relationship with her if he wants to, but why on earth do you give her head-space?

And for those saying pity her because she has no relationship with her children/grand-children. This is entirely her own fault.

She could still have a relationship with them. She chooses not to by behaving so badly that no-one wants to know her.

Just carry on ignoring her. As you say yourself, she is a bitter and lonely old lady, this will not improve.

Let your DH decide for himself if he wants to maintain a relationship with her, just be sure he knows you can’t be arsed with her petty ways any more.

Her behaviour is awful and I really dont think you should be 'cutting her some slack' as that only tends to make things worse with people who think they can behave like this. She has chosen her own way of how she interacts with people and she will have to lie in the bed which she made when she has no one left.
Maybe she had been looking forward to the hen do. Theres many ways to express that without screaming at someone in front of their child. Its absolutely no excuse.
OP I think you have done what you can. You have offered her a relationship of some kind with her grand child and she has not taken you up on this.
Id just let her get on with it and not contact her to be honest. Her grudge against you will perhaps protect you from the toxicity in the long term if she cuts contact. Count yourself lucky!

I did have empathy at the beginning, when I didn't know half of what I do now. I excused her behaviour but as time went on I realised that although her husband dying must of been awful it shouldn't of been the reason she was outright rude to everyone for the next 25 years. I wanted to have a relationship with her, go shopping, go for lunch do all the things i see all my friends doing with their MILs but this woman is impossible.

Her not being involved with our daughter is not our fault. We are not reaching out to her however she will always be welcome to see her, she can visit and our daughter can visit her, she can call if she wants to speak with her. She knows our address if she wants to send a birthday card but she has done none of the above. I don't feel we should reach out after how horrendous she has been to us.

In regards to the wedding as i said my parents contributed a lot and DH felt she should put something towards it i was more than happy for her not to. This was my hen do, i dont know why she would even want to spend the weekend with someone she didnt want marrying her son. Like i said i didnt invite my own mum this was something a small group of my friends wanted to do together

DIL is confusing as on here that means daughter in law, are you meaning Father in laws family, as in your DH's deceased fathers family, your post is quite confusing.

and I dont think its tacky asking if she wanted to contribute to the wedding as traditionally wedding are family events that parents do contribute in some way to.
Its not like OP was demanding money just asking if she wanted to be financially involved... as many parents would choose to be! Fair enough if she hadnt wanted to be. But using money as a weapon to get what she wanted is not okay.
End of the day if you treat people like this you will end up with no one around you.

In regards to the wedding as i said my parents contributed a lot and DH felt she should put something towards it i was more than happy for her not to. This was my hen do, i dont know why she would even want to spend the weekend with someone she didnt want marrying her son. Like i said i didnt invite my own mum this was something a small group of my friends wanted to do together

I get the Hen do thing, infact I'm heading away to my brothers fiances one this weekend and neither my mother nor hers are going. She took them out for dinner instead (tbf neither had any desire to come on the actual hen anyway)

30 years ago I became part of a very dysfunctional family such as your ILs - funnily enough - they too live 200 miles away from us!

I encouraged DH to try and keep a good relationship going with his parents, and we kept in touch, particularly when the children came along, although never visited very regularly. They rarely came to us, although at the time they were relatively young.

It was not worth the energy.

Various things have come to light over recent years, and neither DH, the DC (now in their 20s) or I can be bothered anymore. The wider family have only ever shown jealousy and greed, and life is too short to put up with this sort of crap.

DH does what he needs to do for his mother out of duty, not out of love, and we have taken a decision to minimise our contact with the whole bunch of them!

Step back OP - your DC has enough love around them (as did mine), without the stress of a disinterested, self-centred bunch of losers.

I agree regarding the cake, as mentioned i couldn't care less and when she agreed i knew it would come with terms and conditions. DH feels awful as it is because every time he's been in the shit with money or as a couple we have been a bit tight my parents have lent us money without being asked and all his mum has done is ask us for money when she knows we have been tight. I think this was his reasoning for asking her if she wanted to contribute

We are nc with my mil. Over 3 years, she never gets a mention in our house. At all. Ever.
Life is truly blissful.
No dramatic conversations needed. Tell dh he is welcome to see her, but it will be without you or dc. She can't be so disrespectful of you and expect to have a relationship with your offspring.
Then you forget she exists.

Sorry I'm new to all of this i though it was father in law which now i write it makes complete sense it would be FIL

Well as you've found out, op, people like your Mil really, really, really don't like it when people don't toe the line. As pps have already said what you do us you go no contact. That has to mean NO contact. You can't be getting embroiled in text tennis or bitching to other family members or anything like that. What your husband does is up to him but it is far easier for you to end contact with her than it will ever be for him. Make the choice you want for you, he won't join you until he's gone way beyond the end of his rope.

Don't compare his mother to your family either. It doesn't help those of us with dysfunctional parents to hear how much better and more normal other people's are. Trust me, we've noticed!

@raggs

Plenty of people lose their husbands early as my DM did. Most go on to make a life and certainly don't reject help from their husband's family. Nor do they make life uncomfortable for their DC to the extent they both leave home early. Nor do they bad-mouth their DS's girlfriend/wife/mother of their DGD. As for asking for help for a wedding .. it's usual enough either for help organising or financially. Not being invited to your DIL's henparty and as future MIL you kick off? Only one hen party out of dozens I know had a MIL or DM along and it was high tea - and to throw your toys out of the pram aged 60 sounds utterly ludicrous.

OP, just go NC yourself. If it makes your DH's life easier, he should also go NC. Your DD will benefit from not having a manipulative ?D?GM.

I think it’s unusual not to have mum and future mother-in-law at a hens, though that doesn’t justify her kicking off like that.

I’m always wary of people who say “I just didn’t take her shit like everyone else” because there’s quite a big chance that there was unnecessary conflict and confrontation.

Anyway, you can’t and shouldn’t police your dh’s relationship with her. He’s done his bit - refused to attend something you weren’t invited to.

Sounds like you’re already no contact so leave it as is. Otherwise your dd will get dragged into stuff which isn’t ok.

Surely it hurts your DH that she ignores his child?!

I have to ask - what is DIL???

Ah, x-post! It’s FIL.

Regarding the money - you do know she’s not obliged to give you money when things are tight, don’t you?

I don't understand the 'DIL' bit - isn't that daughter in law? as in - you? Probably not...

Why don't you just go NC? She lives 200 miles away. Just block her numebr, support your dh if he wants to keep here in his life (or not, or go LC) - your dd doesn't need her. you don't need her.

That would be the end of it. I'm NC with my father (26 years) and my sister (10 years) and it's bliss!

As others have said I would ignore your MIL from now on and refuse to engage with her. If your husband wants to see her that's up to him; but you will neither encourage nor dissuade him from doing anything to do with her.

Life without troublesome relatives is so much easier. And you've been more than patient.