What do I do about these texts?

[hungryhippo90]

my Daughter is 10, she recently got a phone, in fact it was a Christmas present, she’s been monitored on her phone, she knows I will check whatsapp, musicly, texts and whatnot to make sure there’s no bullying going on.

DD is quite sensitive, very sweet, and I promise I’m not being biased she’s lovely, if even a bit too nice, she’s a people pleaser.

Tonight as she was going to bed, I said let me check your phone, she seemed to not want me anywhere near her phone. Ok I said, the deal is we can check your phone to make sure you aren’t being bullied or bullying if you can’t accept it, you lose it.

Her little face dropped and she sat down at the table whilst I looked.

There were texts from “a friend” from school. The texts were saying how someone else in their class said she was ugly and she couldn’t get musicly hearts or something (I don’t care about that!)
And that she had no friends.

Girl went on to say “other child” said he wants to know what would really upset you and make you cry

Dd answered I don’t know, and I don’t care.

“Friend” followed up with can I plz plz plz have a picture of you. DD sent her a picture and “friend” just said thanks.

This started on the day DD went back to school, this girl is now sat next to DD in class.

I may be being so over the top with my thinking as I was bullied as a child severely. I don’t quite think it’s bullying, but to me (as mum I’m going to see if this way!!) its fucking nasty.

Why on earth would you say those things to someone? Then ask for pictures of that person?

I’m fairly certain she wanted a picture to take the piss out of DD.

I wanted to screenshot the messages and send them in to their form tutor and ask him to keep an eye out to see if anything is happenning in school. I don’t want to make it worse.

I want to have her deleted from DDs musicly and have her blocked on DDs phone, DH tells me, what if she realises and decides to take things a step further?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to just let it go Incase this is the opportunity to nip it in the bud. Such nasty things to say though.

leila I kinda disagree on that, bullying more likely from behind the safety of a screen, than in school loos these days. it also can involve a lot more people, and the threat of it is constantly present. It's more psychological than physical.

Sorry OP, some great advice from others. I think 10 is a little young and saying 'no' isn't easy . Just follow your instincts and do what you think is best!

My dd wants musically. She is about the same age as your dd, yr5. Perhaps your dd is yr6. I am saying no atm. Some of her friends have musically and there have been incidents.

I’m sorry your dd has been targeted. I think you’ve had some great advice. I do like the text from Blackbelt.

I thought schools considered social media underage a safeguarding issue in itself. Is that not correct?

I'd go to the teacher first, she might have a talk to the whole class, 10 is too young for a smartphone my 10 year old wants a phone ,all his friends have one according to him . I know some have and are on Snapchat and other apps but I just know he is not mature enough to deal with the type of bullying that happens and I'd prefer to wait a few years

I don’t agree with 10 being too young for a smartphone. I think it’s grest kids can have access to technology and learn how to manage/deal with situations that arise.

OP - DD has had a phone since she was 8. Rules are:-

1. No social media (including music.ly)
2. She asks us if someone wants her number
3. I check her phone daily
4. She tells me if there’s anything uncomfortable
5. Security/iTunes/App Store settings are high so she can’t make purchases

We’ve found it a really positive exercise.

OP I wouldn’t text the child but I would screenshot and involve the parents

The photo might be sent round others with a joke about her, and the ‘send me a picture’ after I’ve been mean to you (a picture for this boy who wants to know what will upset you?) is only a step away from ‘send me a picture with your top off and we can be friends again’.

See the teacher, tell your dd she has done nothing wrong but that you are going to take the phone away until she is older, because you don’t want her to come to harm and othe people are obviously not mature enough. I promise you she will be happier if you do this.

Your daughter is 10, musical.ly is a 13 minimum age requirement. Some of the songs have inappropriate lyrics in too.

Smart phones are great but they are used a lot by primary aged children to put other people down ie the hearts comment (someone likes your video.)

I wouldn't forewarn either the child or the parent but I would inform the school. Sadly this is a pain in the arse for the school because you are asking them to deal with an issue that is happening on the musical.ly platform that none of the children should have access to because they are below the legal age.

My children have rarely had access to things beyond their age, I have a 3 year gap so Ds1 plays games that are above Ds2's age rating and Ds2 watches Ds1 play.

Neither my two got a phone until the Christmas of year 6 and yes that did go against the tide but I was sick of hearing parents moan about year 5 girls slagging off other classmates on instagram.

Take the phone into the school.

And don't give it back to your 10 year old.

What is the state of affairs these days? My nearly 9 year old, came home telling me "children are not allowed to use Snapchat Instagram and Facebook" (she has ASD shes quite blunt) The school obviously had to have a word with the class about social media and safety. She doesn't even know what these are. She doesn't even need to.

I've watch the horror of my younger sister have a smartphone since 9. the messages, the nonsense,the bullying, the stuff and lengths she goes to hide things... She's now 14 with serious anxiety issues and bumps off school a lot. Kids grow up and they can seem respectful of your rules, but they are sneaky as well!

I'd rather not.

Wouldn't it be best to at least try to resolve it with the other parent first (the "my child wouldn't" won't work if there are texts as evidence surely) and mention that if you parents can't work it out then you'll go to the school.

I feel so out of touch, I don't understand why kids who don't go out unsupervised need phones at all??? I got my first phone at 15 and only because I went to school out of area and would often be getting non school busses home or would have sleep overs and shopping trips at the weekend in the area my school was in and it meant my parents could contact me. The only other kids with phones at that age were in the same position, most got theirs as 16th birthday presents. What need can a 10 year old have for a smart phone???

hungryhippo90 Weez- but compared to even other 10 year olds,she just doesn’t believe that people can be nasty. She judges everyone else by her merits.

She sounds a totally normal 10 year old - seriously, unless a kid of this age has had unpleasant experiences that's exactly how a 10 year old should be thinking!

Do you check the age restrictions on anything that she has?

Block her. Let your dd know it's perfectly fine to block people who aren't being nice on social media, etc.

When my dd was about 14 she was getting nasty comments from a couple of boys on facebook. It hadn't occurred to her that she could just block the evil little twats. I think it made her feel quite empowered.

She's 23 now and just will not put up with any crap at all.

I'd keep a close eye, as you have been doing. Maybe mention this at school because a general chat could be necessary.

In your situation I would lose the phone. I really would. Without a phone these concerns do not exist.

Thank you all for the replies- re musically or is it musicly? Not sure myself! I had NO idea that it was age restricted to 13- she wouldnt have had it if I knew that. I said she could have it because friends had it and she said she could get it with her DOB. If that’s not true then that settles it for a start. I don’t allow her to have Instagram/Facebook or whatever else is out there, and in honesty her phone should have flagged this particular app as not being appropriate as she actually doesn’t even have YouTube on her phone because the phone has fairly strict parental locks on it- or at least I thought.

I thought that we were being fairly conservative in respect to the phone- she didn’t have one until later than her friends, and there are things she still isn’t allowed, we check her phone without warning, we allow it at certain times. Her musically profile is locked to only those who she accepts can see- these are all verified as people in her year at school. I thought we were doing quite well at allowing her freedom appropriate for her age.

I should have however listened to my instincts. I was dead against the phone but caved in December. She was 100% surprised that she got a phone (infact she said Santa MUST exist! You wouldn’t have got me a phone! I was quite vocal about not wanting the phone but I’d seen one of DDs friends seemed to gain confidence from having the ability to communicate with friends and extended family at home)

I don’t quite feel my approach is dealing with the school in regards to dealing with the messages. What goes on at home is 100% on me to deal with, which I am by either
A- deleting musicly, blocking said girl on WhatsApp and all others not in her immediate friendship group- about 7 girls and confiscating her phone for a week because she lied to me about the suitability of musicly (she would have known it wasn’t for a 10 year old if she altered her DOB to set it up- does it work the same as setting up Facebook?) and I will obviously have to take another look at parental controls.

Or B- just completely getting rid of the phone.

My concern with the school is that DD sits next to this girl, I want the teacher to know what’s gone on, so he can keep an eye on the situation Incase this is happenning at school in the class room.

Blackbelt- no, no there’s not too much of you here! Thank you for your advice.

Everyone, thanks for the advice. I also appreciate that someone pointed out that musicly is a 13? Well I was told a different story, which puts DD firmly in the dog house!

Thanks again all.

I think just delete that app as its not for girls her age.
She reacted really well to be fair. The best thing to do is completely ignore and your daughter did say 'I dont care' rather than become engaged with it, which shows she has good instincts.
Id just have a chat to her about not responding to and deleting anything she is not comfortable with. Also that she should tell you if any kind of nastiness becomes repetitive or long term as that is a more serious problem.
She will have to deal with this type of thing as she gets older and its important to get her to understand that these types of people do it for the reaction. So in most cases lack of interest or reaction will kill it dead.
I think youve done the right thing and would just continue to check her phone rather than take it away completely. Its a learning curve and she will be in a good position if she learns to cope healthily with this nonesense early on. When she eventually gets social media she will be able to deal with it much better. So I would let her keep her phone but just keep a close eye on it.
I think its right not to involve the school... unless there is some continuation of this behaviour. Encourage your daughter to be open with you and come straight to you if theres any problems with sitting next to this girl.
Often kids are just nasty randomly to see if they can get a reaction and it wont continue into actual bullying. So hopefully she will be fine. Its just something to make sure she is communicating to you about in case it does turn into something more serious.

WhatsApps terms of service are also 13+.

I strongly suggest you have a look at this link. It's been put together with the NSPCC.

www.net-aware.org.uk

Thank you just a bunch!

Thank you Weezol (woohoo! It didn’t correct for me that time!) brilliant link, it’s shown up both WhatsApp and musical.ly which I initially thought would be ok.

Maybe I’m stupid to think it but I only really thought I’d done fairly well to ensure she was safe.

WhatsApp has to go as well now. I was naive to that one too. I do follow the rules that I know of. Thank you everyone for not judging me too harshly.

Weezol- just to add, that link will be looked at this evening again with DD. Thank you’

Now does anyone know how to delete musical.ly (now I’ve got it right!)

I have sent an email to their European email address explaining that I’ve become aware that they have a min age of use and my daughter is using it at 3years younger than that age, I’ve given them her account details and changed the password on her. So have ensured she can’t access it, will discuss in proper detail when she’s home from school.

Do discuss the fact that she knowingly accessed the apps by altering her DOB. It's a really good springboard for talking further about trust and honesty.

Screenshot everything and send to the parents and the school. I would shut this down right away before it gets any worse.

Then personally I would find the little shit and tell her if she ever speaks to or texts my child again her phone would be going down the toilet (after screen shotting all of the bullying messages and posting them up on FB for everyone to see).

Bully’s are pricks and should be dealt with accordingly

Posted too soon - trust, honesty and peer pressure.

OP - I'm not sure if there is a correct way to formally request safeguarding to be honest - I just know from MN that saying to a school 'Please can you safeguard my child as she is being bullied' is different from 'Please can you keep an eye on my child as she is being bullied' even though you mean exactly the same thing - something about safeguarding being an official term so they have an official obligation to do something about it and it goes into their stats for something or other...

I've only done it once, recently, for ds2 when he was subjected to low level teasing and bullying from a child in his form; I'd complained 3 times and it had continued, helped because the form had two teachers so he was able to get away with pretending he didn't realise ds was upset .

I just sent an email in to them, outlined the issues and said that as a result of all this, ds was suffering and had gone from being a very cheerful child who adored school, skipped in every morning (literally), to one that was having nightmares and was dragging his feet (literally) every morning on the way in... Thus I was formally asking them to safeguard ds, to ensure the bully did not have the opportunity to continue bullying him and that ds was supported while in school...

I sent the email the first morning back from the Easter holidays, school have a single email that you send emails to so I stuck FAO [teacher 1 name] [teacher 2 name] cc [name of the school's safeguarding officer - should be shown on their website] : Re SAFEGUARDING ds2 name

I had a phone call from the teacher that lunchtime, spoke to her after school and touch wood it's got a lot better. Teacher also said she would talk to the mum which she thought would be effective as she (the mum) would be mortified - and that the child wasn't somebody she would think of as a bully but once I'd told her (again!) about it, she could see what he was doing to ds but was to everybody else a really nice jolly class member. DS sounds a bit like your dd - a very sweet sensitive child who doesn't really have a lot of friends at school, he's happy chatting to people and has a couple of nice friends but that's only in the last year or so. He also seems to be 'accidentally knocked over' an awful lot - he just doesn't believe that anybody would knock him over on purpose - and yet it happens several times a term (yes, have reported it to the teachers too!). ds1 was at the same school - he wasn't ever knocked over (accidentally or not), nor were any of his friends as far as he can remember.

With regard to the picture that was sent, if the mother is a 'not my child' type of person, I wonder if the teacher is nice, if they would be able to talk to the child and their mother, to ensure that the picture has been completely deleted and removed digitally (and any non-digital copies) from everywhere the girl had it and sent it. Even if for the purpose of the exercise, it is done as a 'you probably didn't realise the implications of this...' rather than 'you're really naughty for doing this...' because at the end of the day you want to get rid of the picture rather than punish the girl (much as I know if would be more satisfying if she was punished).

Also make her realise that if the picture reappears anywhere then it will be on her head and that she will get punished as this time she knows that it's wrong - so hopefully that will mean she will not keep a hidden copy to send out later and she will tell you who got sent a copy for you to track down and get removed.

And yes, definitely get the other girl moved away from your dd as part of the safeguarding exercise (rather than your dd move - she isn't the one that has done wrong).

I agree with @Pengggwn . The school should absolutely be made aware. Just because this incident has happened at home doesn't mean it's not continuing at school.
I would nip it in the bud immediately. The school needs to be aware, the child needs to know that adults are aware of their behaviour, and the other child who is saying nasty things, and of course their parents.
I don't think it's enough just to take the phone away.

There is always a way children get round them - one instance i was told by a friend is that her DS and mates know just to delete and reinstall when required.

Who is telling you about these age limits, and why does it matter? You'll be pulling them anyway because you believe your child should not be using them. But that doesn't change other parents minds.

Their kids will still be on these things, but what about the peer pressure now? Where is this peer pressure anyway? is it children pushing their friends to get involved, or is it parents thinking "oh but xx's parents let them use it?"

Honestly, your kid is far too young to be exposed to all this. She doesn't need any sort of communication apps. She WILL find ways around it, by herself or via her mates. I'm not judging you, but I want you to know that some parents will not allow mobile phones at this age, and that's absolutely fine too.