I would like some advice and thoughts about this. I would really appreciate any replies.
I have suffered with anxiety for most, of not all of, my life. People don’t always understand it, and think I’m just a worrier. My mum has OCD and my dad also has anxiety and depression, so growing up in that environment may have affected by negatively.
I was bullied at school, which caused me to stop going altogether for about a year when I wasn’t 14. I didn’t even want to leave the house after I broke down in tears in class when it all got too much. My parents made me go to CAMHS and a hold psychiatrist, who gave my antidepressants for anxiety.
I went back to school and I wasn’t very shy (even worse than before). I lost my friends and couldn’t make friends easily, I found it hard to speak in a group and felt awkward all the time. I think others found me stand offish and rude. I felt anxious in social situations, even though I just wanted to be like everyone else :(
Fast forward a few years, and I started to get overly anxious about things other than social situations. I found it hard to use the phone, worried about things unlikely to happen and do exams. I would panic when exams started and just break down while looking at the clock which is completely irrational. In the end my doctor wrote a note and I was given extra time, as anxiety is counted as a disability. This meant I could breathe and relax for 10 minutes before starting exams.
I stopped therapy and antidepressants a while ago, but I still feel very anxious about things and social situations can be a challenge in a group. But on the whole I felt I was getting better, I got a part time job in retail which really helped my confidence, and then a full time job in an office.
I have been good at my job. I’ve achieved higher results than anyone else, but I’ve always been a quieter member of the team. Having said that, my colleagues would often ask me for help and I have some colleagues I have a good laugh with. I felt things were getting better and I wasn’t such a recluse anymore.
But a new boss took over a couple of years ago and he never liked me. He Always avoided me and never spoke to me. This made me feel anxious, as it’s hard for me to talk to people when they behave like this! I often get uncomfortable speaking to authority members unless they’re very open so I found it very hard with his lack of openness.
I told him I had anxiety problems when he tried to push something very unreasonable on me which honestly kept me up for weeks. He then dropped it and it wasn’t discussed again.
But to get to the point of the post - he is now making me redundant. Just me. I’ve not been able to eat, sleep or function properly from worry, so I haven’t really had the chance to fight it. He said they did a matrix system with me and one other person, and he gave me the lowest marks for things like communication and teamwork and high marks for hard skills related to the job. This makes me feel very sad. In the comments it has negative notes about the way I come across and I have been battling with being perceived as an awkward, moody cow my whole life :( I thought I was getting better. I now feel I won’t have a career because of the way I am, and it doesn’t mater how much I work! I have tried to be more outgoing and social but I just overthink everything. I know I have the skills above even managers in my job, but my problems are just going to hold me back as that’s how I’m perceived by people. I really do try though :(