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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to be brutal?

43 replies

Newbi · 18/04/2018 22:10

Um, first post but I’ve been a lurker for ages now. I don’t think this is interesting enough to make anyone think i’m trolling, so figure I don’t need to explain how much time I’ve wasted reading old threads on here. This will probably end up being a drip feed though because otherwise It would go on forever. Basically, I’m pretty sure I need to split up with the love of my life. We want different things (children etc) and there’s no possible compromise either of us can see but I (we?) don’t want to end it. How do you get your head around not having someone you love in your life? I can’t imagine not having him around/ not knowing what’s going on in his life and almost want him enough to give up on everything else but don’t want to resent him later on. So I’m posting in AIBU because I’ve tried to find a ‘nice/naice’ (see what I did there to pretend I have street cred?) way round it but I can’t. AIBU to ask you to be brutal and force me into ending it?

OP posts:
Skinnyboneylittlepony · 18/04/2018 22:11

I’d read the website baggage reclai

Skinnyboneylittlepony · 18/04/2018 22:11

Reclaim

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 22:13

Can you still be friends and move on romantically?

Merryoldgoat · 18/04/2018 22:15

How entangled are your lives? Do you live together? Own property together? Joint finances etc?

Lilymossflower · 18/04/2018 22:17

Yeah be brutal

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 18/04/2018 22:18

How old are you?

Whenwillth1send · 18/04/2018 22:19

Have kids with someone else and get back with himin 15 years?

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 22:21

The OP did not say who didn’t want children.

Original poster
Newbi · 18/04/2018 22:24

I’ll have a look for it- thank you.
And I think that’s what would be ideal Mrssmile but no idea how I get to that when I still want him romantically too? I don’t ever want to not be friends with him but equally then I think we’ll always end up going backwards and forwards over it (which is where we are now- neither of us seems to want to/ be able to just end it).

OP posts:
MsJudgemental · 18/04/2018 22:28

If children are a dealbreaker, you have to split. It happened to me. You can do it.

user1467232073 · 18/04/2018 22:28

Are you able to give any more information about why the roofing and front? How long have you been together?

user1467232073 · 18/04/2018 22:28

Tooing and froing

Octave777 · 18/04/2018 22:29

Brutal truth is you break up, go no contact and feel heartbreak and grieve your relationship.

It seems it's over if you both want to break up but are looking for a magic answer where the hearbreak doesn't exist. There are no magic answers. Sorry your going through it op.

Original poster
Newbi · 18/04/2018 22:30

Pretty entangled lives but not joint property/finances. I think I want a child (well, his child. Can’t believe I just said that out loud). I’m 37, didn’t want children before I met him 4 years ago.

OP posts:
tigerrun · 18/04/2018 22:31

So how old are you? How long have you been together? How sure are you you both want different things? The have kids/don't have kids thing is often a dealbreaker - but there is a big difference between this conversation at 19 and at 39..

angryburd · 18/04/2018 22:34

Been there, done that, got back together, broke up, got back together, broke up...

It was hard but we both knew it had to be done. He was desperate to be a dad and I don't want to have children at all, and I knew that if he felt as strongly about wanting them as I felt about NOT wanting them, then eventually at least one of us would end up miserable.

Original poster
Newbi · 18/04/2018 22:37

The magic answer is exactly what I’m struggling with- I can’t quite accept there isn’t one!! That’s why I figure I need the harsh reality check. Especially since I’m not sure I ever want to do this again so don’t think I’ll date again afterwards but maybe I’m being melodramatic?

OP posts:
hdh747 · 18/04/2018 22:38

. I think I want a child. well, his child. I’m 37, didn’t want children before I met him 4 years ago.

You don't sound too sure. So if you break up, you think/know you would want someone else's child? What if you can't have kids? Sorry that's not the brutal you were asking for - have you tried couples counselling - partly because you sound unsure and it might help you clarify and partly because it can help you both with ending it if that is what you need.

Merryoldgoat · 18/04/2018 22:40

If you really can’t envisage being able to break up cleanly then if I were you, I’d consider a fresh start if I knew I couldn’t have what I wanted with him.

New city, new job, get some new friends and hobbies and really throw myself into life.

I sometimes imagine I’m newly single and childless and plan relocation and the hobbies I’d take up (ballroom dancing and acting, FYI)

Merryoldgoat · 18/04/2018 22:42

You sound a bit teenage, @Newbi

All encompassing love like you describe is not for the long-haul and you need to try to look at your situation like an adult.

It’s fine to stay with him but make a conscious decision based on your needs - not ‘I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT HIIIIIIIIIM’

dangermouseisace · 18/04/2018 22:43

It sounds like you just need to say what you’ve said here. Everything sounds perfectly reasonable. It might mean he changes his mind, it might not. But if you do want a child that feeling is unlikely to go away. I really loved my ex, and we had kids. I now hate my ex but I can’t imagine not loving my kids! What I mean is, your feelings for a romantic partner are more likely to change for the worse rather than your feelings about prospective or actual children. You can have a child without a partner if necessary.

CDAlady · 18/04/2018 22:43

Why can’t you believe that you said out loud that you’d like children with him OP? I know you say that 4 years ago you didn’t want children. But, it’s really normal and ok to change your mind about something like that!

You seem almost apologetic about saying what you want in life. At the age of 37 you have to start being who you want to be without apologies! I would guess that perhaps until now you just went along with saying the ‘right’ thing ie. what fitted with other people. That’s lovely and I bet you’ve got good relationships because of your willingness to compromise.

Take it from me (I’m old!) a willingness to compromise over your basic needs eventually isn’t nice. If it doesn’t work for you then at some point you have to be honest. Yes, people might think you’re strange for making a big change in your life but ultimately that’s what you have to do for the sake of your integrity and mental health.

Decide what you need and want and then act on it. If that fits with what your partner wants or what he can accept as a friend then that’s great but if not, you’ll have to live with it. And you will.

BestestBrownies · 18/04/2018 22:43

Brutal? OK then.

Don't break up with him. Stay happy and stress child free. Enjoy travelling, sleeping, a social life, a fabulous rather than dutiful sex life, a decent body, spare cash, and of course your sanity. Seriously. Having kids fucks up your life.

Original poster
Newbi · 18/04/2018 22:44

Sorry I worded that badly- I want children with him. I dont want one/any without him/ with anyone else (right now anyway) and don’t think that’ll change but I didn’t want them before I met him so I can’t say 100%. Thanks loads.

OP posts:
Smellyjo · 18/04/2018 22:45

I know you said you want his child but if you really don't want to split, could you foster/adopt as a single person and have him as a partner who is not responsible for child (ren)? That question may help you clarify whether you really really want a child or is it more a daydream about making babies with him.

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