Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like my 5 year old much?

18 replies

Hoohoohelp · 18/04/2018 21:18

DS lies to get out of trouble. He'd swear black was white if he thought it would help him and he's a pretty damn good liar too. I hate it. I've spoken to him so many times about it. I've tried praise when he tells the truth, explaining how important trust is, getting mad when he's caught in a lie etc. None of it works.

On top of that he's started being really rude/ disrespectful. Answering back when I tell him off etc. Or responding to punishments with "I don't care I didn't want to do X anyway." I love him and always will. But parenting him is horrible. I feel like I'm always doing the wrong thing.

OP posts:
caitlinn · 18/04/2018 21:20

My 3yo ds is the same, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle sometimes, he is perfect for everyone else but not for me, he lies, hits and tries to start fights, I love him more than life itself, but I understand the feeling that it's not the nicest to parent him sometimes.

GreenTulips · 18/04/2018 21:23

Get a marble jar or similar

1 marble for being good including telling the truth

1 marble taken away for difficult behaviour

At the end of the week he gets a treat - chooses pudding after tea watch a film play a game extra story

He needs something visual

Original poster
Hoohoohelp · 18/04/2018 21:25

We have a marble jar GreenTulips if he loses one (or more) his response is always "oh well maybe I will get one tomorrow." If he loses the main treat "oh well I might get it next week". It's infuriating.

OP posts:
DuchyDuke · 18/04/2018 21:30

What would happen if you ‘believed’ his lies i.e. he didn’t get any attention for lying? Would he keep making more outrageous things to get your attention?

RockinRobinTweets · 18/04/2018 21:32

Ooh they know how to push your buttons. If you actually do follow through, does he get upset? Or is it too much of a long term goal?!

Original poster
Hoohoohelp · 18/04/2018 21:35

No he never seems upset by any punishment.
He lies about things that he's done in wrong school because he doesn't want me knowing he's been naughty.

OP posts:
speakout · 18/04/2018 21:36

I think punishment encourages lying.

I don't punish, I don't think it is effective.

Original poster
Hoohoohelp · 18/04/2018 21:38

Even when his teacher is stood in front of me saying he did X my son will insist he didn't. He'll get upset and angry at being accused. It's so convincing I have to give myself a shake.

OP posts:
RockinRobinTweets · 18/04/2018 21:44

If there’s no negative consequence that will motivate him to behave then I suppose you’re forced into positive reinforcement of good behaviour but that is hard in practice. We certainly punish lying and bad behaviour - threatening removal of screen time, naughty stepping and sending to his room.

He does respond to positive reinforcement - he likes a 10 day reward for sleeping until 7 am etc

Thingsthatgo · 18/04/2018 21:56

I think that some young children get so involved in their lies, they so want them to be true, they they start to believe them themselves. They feel upset that they are not believed because they have convinced themselves they are telling the truth. I’m not saying that this is the case for your Ds, but if it is, the truth becomes a bit of a grey area that is harder to distinguish.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 18/04/2018 22:20

My friend's son started going through a bad stage just before he started going to school. He was rude and disrespectful to everyone but didn't really seem to be bothered enough to tell lies. His attitude was off putting. He was defiant about everything. He was getting in trouble at school and my friend felt they were all too used to him getting into trouble and just expected him to be the one causing the problem when anything happened.

My friend worried about her parenting and his future. I thought she was very patient with him; he looked very hard to parent and I thought she was doing all the right things. She said no one saw the good, sweet side of him and that he could be a kind and thoughtful boy. She got very fussy about what he was eating and drinking and thinks that helped with his sleeping.

It's a few years later and he is much calmer and no longer getting into much trouble at school. He just seems to have grown out of it. He seems much more a typical child now rather than an active volcano that everyone fears may be on the verge of erupting.

puglife15 · 18/04/2018 22:26

Have you read How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen? Some really great practical advice in there.

He's only 5, and probably doesn't really understand lying or why it's wrong, so I'd focus on building trust and him feeling comfortable to tell you the truth from here.

WineIsMyMainVice · 18/04/2018 22:31

I feel your pain. 5 year old DD is also pretty difficult a lot of the time. She’s sometimes so horrible to her little brother or me (in particular - never her dad!!) It’s so horrible when you feel like this. I just keep telling myself everything in parenting is a stage, and hopefully soon we’ll be further on. Stay strong op. Good luck.

TipTopTat · 18/04/2018 22:33

He's 5 ffs. If he's still doing it at 7 I'd worry but until then just go with it. Dont respond and dont rise to any of the lies. If he kicks up a fuss infront of the teacher or about school then that's more because he doesnt think he did wrong, and his way of expressing it, not that he's lying to get out of it. You're projecting manipulation on to a child that doesn't understand it at that level yet.

upsideup · 18/04/2018 22:59

I engage with the lies when they are that little and think of it more as testing boundaries and joking rather than lieing, its perfectly normal for a child to do this, I would be more worried about a 5 year old who was always telling the absolute truth than a 5 year old who was experimenting with lies.
So today when dd argued that the dog climbed onto the kitchen side and spilt the sugar I act like I believe it, I ask if she thinks he pulled the chair over to help him get up or does he think we should start putting sugar on his food if he likes it. Eventually as I am questioning the dog about spilling the sugar she laughed and say she did it, I dont shout at her or punish her I just calmly tell her she musnt do that and that she doesnt need to lie to me. Natural consequences and discussions about what they have done, why it is wrong and what has or could happen by doing it is the only thing we do, I dont believe in shouting or punishing, especially with little ones when i think it does more harm than good and is completely counterproductive.

Original poster
Hoohoohelp · 18/04/2018 23:04

I guess my worry is upside it's not little things he's lying about. It's quite big things- like upsetting other children in school.

If it's not a big deal because of how young he is how do I teach him lying is wrong? I admit I may be more sensitive to this as my dad was/is a pathological liar and I'm so worried my son could have inherited in some way.

He also doesn't tell me things. Like another child hit him at school today and made him cry. He told his dad about it but wouldn't have mentioned it to me if it was a week his dad was working away. And that makes it sound like we aren't close, which isn't true. Argh I don't know.

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 18/04/2018 23:08

You’re fighting a losing battle. Lying isn’t wrong (else Santa would have died a death decades ago). It’s an absolutely vital life skill.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page