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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rota

27 replies

Avpixie27 · 18/04/2018 20:43

Me and my sons father have always had issues with my son since 2016 when we split as he often cancels and then we create a new rota to his favour and then finally made a rota for me working and turned out he was palming him off on his days. I went to speak to him about having consistency of every sat-sun so he is always having the same for nursery. He started an argument and ended up having wed-thurs one week sat-sun next so HE can have a social life. How can i get it to weekends without a battle as every time he gets angry i end up fearful due to past experiences?

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WorraLiberty · 18/04/2018 20:46

I'm not sure what you mean.

Are you saying you want him to have the DC every single weekend?

GrumpyInsomniac · 18/04/2018 20:49

I think the norm is every other weekend and one night midweek, so both parents can have a social life and the child can see their non-resident parent more regularly. I think you'd be unlikely to get your ex to take DC every weekend.

fuzzyduck33 · 18/04/2018 21:07

Firstly I agree with pp expecting him to have them every weekend is rare, co parents generally share them so both get a balance of social life and quality time with the child.
Secondly, regarding him "palming him off" try to stay out of his child care arrangements for his days as it'll only lead to more strife. Any parent has the right to arrange child care or babysitting as they see fit as long as the child is safe, well cared for and not farmed our to strangers.
Co parenting can be a real minefield so pick your battles and be prepared to give and take.... good luck!

Original poster
Avpixie27 · 19/04/2018 08:45

Thing is he complained aboutt having him in the week as thursday is his only day off during week time to have dentist or doctor appointments blah blah. Then he complained about having him on weekends because sunday is his only proper day off that his friends have off the same time. He works 9-6 and he goes to bed at 8:30 so if he had him thursday and sunday then thats what hes complaining about. He told me he sees my son as a job that he doesnt want to be "just a dad" but that doesnt make sense when you only see him once a week and dont ever spend a full day with him. How can it be ok to always palm him off on others on his designated day?

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SD1978 · 19/04/2018 08:47

Whether he has every weekend or the current arrangement the palming off you’re complaining about would happen regardless. I personally prefer this kind of set up- both parents get two weekend a month.

adaline · 19/04/2018 08:48

Hang on, if Thursday and Sunday are his days off, why do you expect him to have him on a Saturday when he's at work? Weekend childcare is non-existent in most places so of course he's having to find someone else to care for DS.

I think alternate Sundays and Thursdays, and an overnight on a school night would be fair, or even just have him for tea if he's unable to get him to school on time.

Original poster
Avpixie27 · 19/04/2018 08:49

And as for him "having a social life" he moved his best friend into the house the minute he kicked us out. He stays at his girlfriends half the week. When we were together he would come home at 6 and go out till 3am every night with his friends playing pokemon go. So tbh i dont have any sympathy for the "one day makes me a full time dad" i dont trust him to take him to nursery and dont want my son being unsettled hence why it should he weekends. My new boyfriend is from a split home and he would be with mum mon-frid and dad friday night-sun so he could go to nursery and then school

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Original poster
Avpixie27 · 19/04/2018 08:50

Its not 2 days though its 7pm sat-7pm sun and 7pm weds- 7pm thurs. Add in sleep he spends less than 12 hours with him

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LifeBeginsAtGin · 19/04/2018 08:52

How old is your son? Is he old enough to have a say?

If he has him every weekend thats means YOU get a social life which is unfair.

Original poster
Avpixie27 · 19/04/2018 09:03

No i dont as i work saturday. And i dont care about a social life i just want my son to be treated like a human not an object thats "ruining fathers social life". He is 3 he is with me every day and has been since he dumped both of us. He has never paid a penny to him and then when csa got involved decided to take £30 off what they told him to pay. And you guys are saying its ok that every single time he has him he either gives him to his dad or his sister? Theres fathers out there that cant see their kids cause of horrible mothers or distance and you guys are saying "yea if he wants to arrange a babysitter EVERY time he is supposed to bond with him and then complain he has no social life thats fine? And your saying youve never heard of there been weekday weekend split? I know from multiple parents that that is the case as they take the child to nursery or school and then the father can have maximum time with the child. Social life shouldnt be a reason to do shit as your not a party animal anymore, the child comes first. I have him screaming that he doesnt even want to be around his father yet i have to hand him over and that comes out when hes back. He regresses with potty training, he kicks and spits and acts out. So for me to have to fix these issues just before nursery or him do it in nursery is unfair on my son.

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BitchQueen90 · 19/04/2018 09:05

I think asking him to have him every weekend is unreasonable o be honest. Everyone needs some down time. I am a single parent and wouldn't expect exh to do every weekend. EOW and a weeknight is fair. And he should pay you maintenance if he doesn't already.

Original poster
Avpixie27 · 19/04/2018 09:10

For the last 3 months its been 7pm weds- 7pm thurs i have not had a single weekend free. I missed my bosses wedding and my friends new job party. But i didnt care because atleast my son was at home and fed and clothed and played with. He sees his 5 friends every day even the 1 day he is supposed to have his son. Your all acting like he is going to have him every other weekend for a full weekend and one night a week. He is literally changing the rota all the time to make it less time with his son

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Original poster
Avpixie27 · 19/04/2018 09:12

I also dont understand where you people say "you get a social life if he has him every weekend" thats bull. Absolutely ridiculous. So if him and i were together and he never socialised with him at all youd all be calling him bad dad. But because we are separate and he NEVER socialises with him then im the bad mum? Wow love the support guys

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BitchQueen90 · 19/04/2018 09:20

You need to have a rota then and stick to it and he needs to stick to it too. I think every Thursday on his day off and then every other Sunday is fair. Then he gets a Sunday off every other week to socialise.

My exh works shifts and gets every third weekend off and one day in the week. So he will have our DS every weekday that he has off (easy as he is at school so he only has to do pick up, dinner and then drop off the next morning) and then we alternate his weekends off. He will have DS one weekend and then the next one I will have him so exh can spend a bit of time with his girlfriend and friends. I think it's fair that we both have time to relax.

Saying that it sounds like there are other issues in your case. Why doesn't your DS want to go to his dad? That would concern me. And he needs to be paying the right amount of maintenance as you are the RP.

WorraLiberty · 19/04/2018 09:20

Honestly, if he's showing so little interest in having his son and if his son is screaming that he doesn't want to see his dad, I wouldn't really encourage the relationship anyway.

Do you have support from anyone like family or friends, if you need down time? Do you have anyone to babysit for you?

Original poster
Avpixie27 · 19/04/2018 09:28

Its not every week its 7pm-7pm wed-thursday one week. Next week 7pm-7pm sat-sun. Its 10 hours a week total each week. And he either switches it because "he makes plans" or because he bails in general or he palms him off. 1 time a week is what he wants. Thats all. He has always hated going and i spoke to citizens advice and they said to stop him going for a while then reintroduce him. I spoke to the father and he got angry and threatened court and called me names and threw me out of the house, then when i went to say bye to my son he ran out the door for a fag.

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adaline · 19/04/2018 09:28

You didn't explain the 7pm-7pm thing in your opening post, but I think you both need some time off. You both work Saturdays so why not alternate Sundays between you - you'll want some weekend time with DS when he starts school so it might be smart to start that now so he's used to the routine.

EOW and one night in the week is pretty normal really - so every other Sunday plus a couple of weeknights could work in your case? Or he could have him on Sunday night too and drop him to yours/childcare in the morning?

adaline · 19/04/2018 09:29

How is 7pm-7pm 10 hours?

Original poster
Avpixie27 · 19/04/2018 09:32

Nope he wont do anything i ever ask. I have to have an operation soon and he wont take work time off to have him for me to recover as i will be bed ridden. I can ask my parents but they should not have to do it. We both made him but he will never ever help me out. Yet everything he wants we do. He bailed on him the one day (on the day) because he was hungover and he yelled at me that "i feel like he is a job and if i miss time with him i gotta make the hours up" which it should be. You cant say you want a relationship with your son if you never want to see him

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Original poster
Avpixie27 · 19/04/2018 09:33

Because he sleeps 8:30-9 so by the time he wakes up its 10 hours with him

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adaline · 19/04/2018 09:34

So when he's asleep at your house, does that not count as you being with your son?

He still has to be in the house - go to him when he wakes or if he's sick or has a nightmare. Overnight contact when the child is asleep is still contact!

Original poster
Avpixie27 · 19/04/2018 09:39

When hes sick he doesnt see him. He has chicken pox currently and he text me once just saying "is he ok" in the whole week he has not come to see him or text more than once. I love my son more than myself. Genuinely if he wasnt on this planet id have been gone long ago. So i want to spend as much time as i can with him. I have had a boyfriend for 7 months and i only see him maybe twice a week for a few hours. But he knows my son comes first, i dont give a shit about "socialising" because i signed up to be a mum. That means for atleast a few years you have no free time. When he goes to nursery my free time is those 2 hours and im ok with that. Soon he will be gone to school and making friends and wont want to be around me. Why cant his father understand that you need to make the most of him when hes around not palm him off and bail all the time. He treats my son like shit

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WorraLiberty · 19/04/2018 11:19

He has always hated going and i spoke to citizens advice and they said to stop him going for a while then reintroduce him. I spoke to the father and he got angry and threatened court and called me names and threw me out of the house, then when i went to say bye to my son he ran out the door for a fag.

I think court would be a really good idea in this case, so you can both sort this out.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 19/04/2018 11:30

You can't dictate what your Ex does when he has your son. If he picks him up and drops him at his mothers every visit then that's how it is.

But it really sounds like your Ex doesn't want your son.

Don't use your son to point score against each other either.

Original poster
Avpixie27 · 19/04/2018 13:52

Im not point scoring. How dare you lifebeginsatgin. Ive actively encouraged their relationship even though he is a vial abuse arsehole that hates the fact his son was ever born. But i want my son to have some stability. He was complaining about having him every time so i though sunday is perfect as that wont affect any appointments he has on a thursday and yet thats still wrong. Its not point scoring stating the fact that i have my son 95% of the time and dont give a shit about socialising with people because at the end of the day all ive had is shit off other mums "i have the perfect child and perfect life and perfect relationship with my child father". Im just sick of hearing him say "i wish he said i love you to me" then the next minute stating he dumped him on other people" he openly leaves my son alone with his housemate. And since starting this thread i have read that as main parent and if it is a discomfort to the child then i can change rota as i see fit. He wanted out of the family. He told me when i fell pregnant that i did it to trap him and quote "is he even mine" like im the cheat! Im all for fair and even time and what not but since my son has been born nothing has been fair. He told me he was going away for 2 weeks to budapest for his brothers stag yet his soon to be sister posted that they only went away for 3 days! He doesnt see his son for weeks at a time because he wants a life and ive got to explain this every time to my son of why one minute hes going then not. He cries when he sees him and wont let me go because he doesnt know if hes coming or going with him. He is UNRELIABLE. Hence why atleast if he bails on a weekend then im not in work and it wont affect his nursery. Whereas if he does it on a wednesday and ive agreed to do overtime the next day then i have to call in sick to work to be able to sort my son. Point made yet? Its not about i want what i want its what my son needs. The needs of the child are the most important. And right now (since birth) never given a shit about my son.

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