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Original poster

To ask for DH’s support with neighbours?

33 replies

SukiTheDog · 18/04/2018 10:56

Have lived in the same house for ten years+, same neighbours next door. About 12 months ago, the husband appeared to be upset with us about something. My DH said “XX was a bit off with me this morning” and I said “yeah, totally ignored me when I came back from my run and I waved. He saw me, and just went in the house, shutting the front door. Really strange”.

Now, we were never neighbours in the sense of barbecues and nipping in and out of each other’s houses but, we’d chat....pass the time of day....ask about the kids....I’d have a laught with Mrs XX about my lack of green fingers in the garden.

We’ve NO idea what happened but now, it’s total blanking by them and I’m too embarrassed to speak to them as it’s clear, they don’t want to. However, in the past few weeks, they’ve started the chit chat up again with DH. Over the weekend, I smiled, said “hi” and MrXX looked me full in the face, with real disdain and carried on walking. I’m now starting to feel really upset. I genuinely have no idea what I have done. And it must be about me as my DH appears to be worth talking to.

I feel annoyed with DH. I’d expect him to not go out of his way to stand there chatting without a) slipping it into the conversation “is everything OK XX? We seem to have had a problem of some sort of late?” or b) just keeping it to a brief nod hello. And here’s a really petty thing. For years, I’d put their bins out on bin day. No skin off my nose, if I was putting mine out. Now, I notice they purposely leave ours out in the road and bring theirs in (if I’m at work). I’d never do that and certainly, DH wouldn’t.

It’s pathetic really but it’s upsetting me.

What would you do? And would you expect your DH to not (now) be chatty with them after they’ve suddenly decided to bring him back from “Coventry” as it were?

OP posts:
theEngineWhoCan · 18/04/2018 11:03

If you can't be mature enough to ask them what the issue is, why should he do it on your behalf.

The options seem to be

  1. DH sorts out problems on your behalf (patronising and condescending).

  2. DH scowls at and blanks the neighbours, keeping ill-feeling going.

  3. You ask them what their problem is with you.

I think 3) is the clear winner for an adult.

1ndig0 · 18/04/2018 11:04

Yes. I think going round there to specifically ask what the problem is is probably pandering to their nonsense, but next time he is speaking to them he should ask them directly why they seem to have stopped engaging with you - of course he should! I'm surprised he hasn't already done so if this is bothering you. You're his wife.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2018 11:06

^ this

CastielIsMyAngel · 18/04/2018 11:13

My next door neighbour has tried so many ways to get me into trouble, reporting me for fake reasons, setting her dog on the cat after luring it into her garden then complaining to the council about said cat in her garden (that I heard her going "Here puss puss, come on...) and lots of bullying and intimidation. I reported her for harassment and council and police paid her a visit. Meanwhile,.XDP was standing chatting and having a laugh with her whilst my anxiety is sky high because of her! I felt it was a betrayal and he didn't care about my feelings, so I can kind of see where you're coming from... hope you get to the bottom of why they're off with you

1ndig0 · 18/04/2018 11:21

OP you have reminded me that we had a similar situation with our neighbours. The wife is always very pleasant, but the husband would literally stare straight through me if I say hello to him. Yet he would acknowledge DH. That didn't bother me too much as they are an older couple and I put it down to eccentricity.

About a year ago, the man next door started doing a very strange thing. We live in a typical London Town house where you parallel park on the road outside. Without fail, this man would come and stand in his doorway, EVERY time I came back from the am and pm school run and just blatantly stare at me when I parked. He would come out other times too. It was almost like he was waiting for me. This went on for weeks and he couldn't have made it more ibvious. It was funny in a way, but also irritating and a bit unnerving. One time I got out the car and asked him "Did you want to ask me something?" but he glared at me and went in and slammed his door.

So later that day, DH happened to be home and I phoned him enroute back from the school. When the neighbour came out to glare at me as I was parking, DH was standing in the front garden glaring back at him. He said, "if you have a problem with my wife or her car you could have the decency to approach her about it. Maybe you'd like to explosion to me?". The man muttered something about a spate of cars being knocked by careless drivers / parkers in the street and hurried in. DH said, "I don't want to find you watching my wife again."

We still live next door to this man!!

esk1mo · 18/04/2018 11:22

next time he is chatting to them, just go over and say “hi! Grin how are you?!”

if they blank you or reply curtly infront of your DP then he will see for himself.

but really who gives a shit if they have an imaginary problem with you, just ignore them right back.

1ndig0 · 18/04/2018 11:22

explain - there was no explosion!

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/04/2018 11:29

I’d get your husband to drop it into conversation. It is rude. Unfortunately misogyny at its worst means sometimes it takes a man to sort another man out.

Juells · 18/04/2018 11:43

Stop putting their bins out for a start 😁

I'd expect a DH to be on my side, I must admit. Point out how creepy it is.

DD43 · 18/04/2018 11:45

@1ndigo

Yes. I think going round there to specifically ask what the problem is is probably pandering to their nonsense, but next time he is speaking to them he should ask them directly why they seem to have stopped engaging with you - of course he should! I'm surprised he hasn't already done so if this is bothering you. You're his wife.

THIS ^

@SukiTheDog

Your husband needs to be fighting in your corner here.

My husband would have already asked them, and it's not very nice, or chivalrous, or caring to just 'not bother,' and to leave you upset.

Fuck what any ranty leftie feminists say about it being demeaning and patronising and condescending - is it fuck?! He's your husband and should be on your side, and having a go at anyone who upsets you. MY husband has always had my back, and jumps in and defends me, and I don't see it as patronising, I see it as him caring about me and loving me. I would be VERY upset if someone was being shitty to me, and nice to my husband, and he did fuck-all about it.

Tell him you want him to ask them what's wrong, as you are too nervous to do it.

BrendasUmbrella · 18/04/2018 11:54

If this was the other way around and the neighbours were lovely to you and blanking your DH, people would be telling you to support your husband and have his back. But you're a woman, so you're supposed to do everything alone.

Juells · 18/04/2018 11:56

...and I'd expect a wife to do the same if her husband was being blanked and being made to feel uncomfortable. Or a sister. Or a brother. It's about caring.

Trinity66 · 18/04/2018 12:17

Yeah why don't you just ask them, why do you need your DH to ask them for you?

KT63 · 18/04/2018 12:19

How has this become a feminist thing? If someone who spoke to me happily was shitty with DP I’d ask what the problem was and vice versa. In fact both of us have done so in the past. I think it’s a bit off to be pally with someone who is shitty to your partner, irrespective of gender.

lovetheway · 18/04/2018 12:23

any ranty leftie feminists
HmmConfusedConfused

Trinity66 · 18/04/2018 12:24

How has this become a feminist thing? If someone who spoke to me happily was shitty with DP I’d ask what the problem was and vice versa. In fact both of us have done so in the past. I think it’s a bit off to be pally with someone who is shitty to your partner, irrespective of gender.

It hasn't become a feminist thing, the only person who mentioned feminism was the person saying fuck feminism or whatever. Personally I thought it was more of a being an adult thing, If I say hi to my neighbour and they scowl at me, I'd ask them Is something wrong there and then

TeeBee · 18/04/2018 12:28

Is there any reason why you haven't just asked your neighbour if you've done something to upset him? It wouldn't occur to me to ask my partner to intervene.

TeeBee · 18/04/2018 12:28

Its not a feminist thing its a 'being an adult' thing. I don't see why anyone can't just speak up for themselves.

Shedmicehugh1 · 18/04/2018 12:39

I have a neighbour who gets upset about petty things for a while. I ignore it and carry on as normal. She forgets about it after a while.

A few of her ‘sulks’ I’ve known about. Other times she ignores me for a while, I just assume it’s about something very petty, which I haven’t even noticed I’d done!

Maybe you didn’t put the bin back correctly!

Juells · 18/04/2018 13:13

I'd ask them Is something wrong there and then

I have a bit of a problem with people who say 'it's an adult thing' - a bit like JHB saying women are ridiculous if they've allowed a man to grope them and not socked him one (paraphrasing). People like JHB, or me for that matter, are rarely on the receiving end of that kind of shit, because someone takes one look at us and know they won't get away with it. If someone is quiet and non-confrontational it's much more difficult for them to stand up for themselves, and it's unfair to expect them to change their whole personality just because others of us are more aggressive. A bit incoherent, but...

KT63 · 18/04/2018 13:20

I don’t see why OP can’t ask them either. I also don’t see why her husband is being nice to people who are being shitty to her.

Trinity66 · 18/04/2018 14:11

I have a bit of a problem with people who say 'it's an adult thing' - a bit like JHB saying women are ridiculous if they've allowed a man to grope them and not socked him one (paraphrasing). People like JHB, or me for that matter, are rarely on the receiving end of that kind of shit, because someone takes one look at us and know they won't get away with it. If someone is quiet and non-confrontational it's much more difficult for them to stand up for themselves, and it's unfair to expect them to change their whole personality just because others of us are more aggressive. A bit incoherent, but...

I don't know who JHB is but it doesn't sound like the neighbours are aggressive at all by what the OP has said

Juells · 18/04/2018 14:29

Julia Hartley-Brewer. She's very dismissive of women who don't stand up for themselves.

Even if the neighbours aren't aggressive, some people (both male and female) would find it quite confrontational and difficult to speak to people who're blanking them.

KT63 · 18/04/2018 14:33

My mum was the least confrontational person I’ve ever met, she would have found such petty and passive aggressive behaviour really distressing. She wasn’t a wimp or unable to stand up for herself, she just couldn’t cope with unnecessary pettiness and nastiness, it really affected her. Maybe OP is the same?
Personally I’d rather hash things out, if I’m wrong or have inadvertently offended someone I will always apologise. I do not respond well to passive aggression, which frankly is far more childish and pathetic than anything OP has said.

Trinity66 · 18/04/2018 14:39

*Julia Hartley-Brewer. She's very dismissive of women who don't stand up for themselves.

Even if the neighbours aren't aggressive, some people (both male and female) would find it quite confrontational and difficult to speak to people who're blanking them.*

Well I wasn't trying to turn this into a feminism thing, i would have said the same about it if was the Dh posting here.

I get your second point and that's fine but isn't a bit hypocritical if you're that kind of a person to instead expect someone else to do it for you?

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