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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To offer to pay??

25 replies

fireplacetiles · 17/04/2018 20:25

So, i have made a new mum friend, kids in same class. I am new to the area so has been great to connect with someone. We have a good laugh together, like the same things and I just like spending time with her. Problem is she is totally skint, single mum, works part time etc and we, not rich, but comfortable with rental income etc. This is already causing problems, she can't afford to go for coffee/lunch etc which is how I am used to socialising with friends. We have spent time chatting in each others houses and wandered round the park etc. I am dying to offer to pay for things, there is an evening thing coming up which I know she would love and it's a bit quirky so know no one else would go with me. Do I just buy 2 tickets and say"wanna come?". Is this friendship doomed? Would you be offended if someone else was always paying for things-even if they were more than happy yo do so as they want to spend time with you/for you to have a nice time?

OP posts:

icelollycraving · 17/04/2018 20:28

Could you buy the tickets and say you’ve treated her as a thank you for making you so welcomed to a new area? Would she be able to go if she’s a single Mum, as in would she have a babysitter that won’t charge, like a mum etc. Will she need to buy drinks there,taxi etc. It may not be just the ticket cost that is the problem.

ShatnersBassoon · 17/04/2018 20:35

A once in a blue moon treat isn't going to upset anyone. Tell her what the thing is and all the dates etc and tell her you're treating her if she can arrange childcare. Make it her birthday and Christmas presents rolled into one if you're worried it might seem a bit 'ta-da, look at me paying for stuff you can't afford'.

Ansumpasty · 17/04/2018 20:37

Buy her the ticket, say you’d really love it if she would come with you because you nobody else to go with.

nightshade · 17/04/2018 20:39

Tell her they were a present and would she like to go with you..

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 17/04/2018 20:41

Can you make it sound like a favour to you? Say 'it's a bit quirky but I don't know anyone else who might enjoy it' of course it will depend on what sort of person she is. Some people would be fine, others might not want to.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 17/04/2018 20:42

Oh yes nightshade's idea is good.

Crunchymum · 17/04/2018 20:45

If she is that skint though will she be able to afford a babysitter and drinks etc?

Hassled · 17/04/2018 20:46

Yes, I think if you sell it as her doing you a massive favour by coming, rather than you paying because she's skint, then it'll go down well. It would be a lovely thing to do - hope it goes well.

Original poster

fireplacetiles · 17/04/2018 20:50

Her mum would have the kids and I would drive, it's not really something that involves drinking. It isn't just this even i'm bothered about TBH it's the dynamic in general, I don't want to make her feel shit by offering to pay all the time,

OP posts:

PeppermintPasty · 17/04/2018 21:04

Well, you're a sweetheart OP, that's all I came on to say.

Whatdoiladymcbeth · 17/04/2018 21:07

You sound lovely.

If necessary could you say you got the tickets through work or your husband did or they were a gift. So she thinks you both got a freebie?

Susanjeffery1984 · 17/04/2018 21:07

^This
You sound like a lovely person.

RedHelenB · 17/04/2018 21:11

Remember the episode of friends? The best things in life are free so does it matter where you conduct your friendship?

RavenLG · 17/04/2018 21:11

Could you buy the tickets and say you’ve treated her as a thank you for making you so welcomed to a new area?

This or the present idea. You sound lovely OP. I'm sure she would be grateful to have a friend like you.

Bluetrews25 · 17/04/2018 21:12

Really thoughtful of you, but as one who has been known to be broke, can I suggest you should be aware that she might well be VERY worried about how to reciprocate. Can you encourage the friendship in a no-cost direction - BYO picnic to park? Something more like that?

Ivorbig1 · 17/04/2018 21:16

Treating friends is lovely, it only becomes an issue if it bothers you, i dislike hearing people tell others how they paid for things for such and such. Treats in this situation should be infrequent to avoid embarrassment and not broadcast, to avoid embarrassment.

Cupoteap · 17/04/2018 21:16

@Bluetrews25 totally

Motoko · 17/04/2018 21:18

I think as an occasional thing it would be ok, but if you did it regularly, you may either upset her, or she may end up expecting it, and you don't want either of those things to happen.

I agree about making it sound like a favour for you is the way to go on this occasion.

strawberrysparkle · 17/04/2018 21:19

Don't forget though that she might not be able to afford the childcare to do the activity and also it's things associated such as drinks and transport. Having been this skint before it's not just the price of the activity to worry about.

camelliasinensis · 17/04/2018 21:22

You sound lovely.
Agree with PPs who have suggested "I got these as a gift/from a competition, I have no-one to go with etc" but only if you're sure that she will never find out that it wasn't true as it could be mortifying for her to find out a little later down the line.

TokyoSushi · 17/04/2018 21:22

Absolutely lovely as a very occasional thing, every 6 months or so max. Yes make it out to look like she's doing you a favour so there is absolutely no pressure to reciprocate.

You sound lovely

KarmaStar · 17/04/2018 21:46

I think it's a lovely idea to invite her,it could be she can't afford to go out much and she will be very happy to have an evening out at something you think she'd enjoy.
I wouldn't lie to her,if say I had two tickets and I'd love it if she would come with me.
About coffees and lunches,you could have some at hers and then when you are out and about say "I've been drinking all your coffee at home,let me but you one in this nice coffee shop I know '
Sound like a great friendship in the making op!🌸🌸

samewitches · 17/04/2018 22:02

I think as a one off type thing- 'I really want to go to X, would you come with me? My treat, it's nice to be able to have someone who likes it too and will go with me' etc it's a lovely thing to do. But if you want to go for coffee and lunches too I think that could become awkward, now the weather's nicer perhaps picnics/ walks in the park become easier?

Original poster

fireplacetiles · 17/04/2018 22:04

Thank you all for your kind wordsIfind that as I get older friends are hard to make so don't want to get this wrong and kill it before it has time to flourish. I really don't want to lie about the tickets , think I will mention the event and gauge her reaction, offer to buy them as a thank you for making my move so much easier and take it from there. I do have a habit of overthinking things and you have helped clear my head, thank you x

OP posts:

Springtrolls · 17/04/2018 22:08

As a one off sounds good. It's when it becomes regular that things get weird.
The weather is also changing so hopefully loads of decent weather coming to spend in the park and other outdoor locations. Even free museums in the warmer months if they have air conditioning are really good.

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