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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much say do your kids have in family decisions?

26 replies

user1483390742 · 17/04/2018 20:01

My friends have 1 child and everything they do as a family is decided by their 10 year old son. Holiday destinations, supermarkets, meals for the week, furniture, what to watch on tv...
They say that his opinion is really important and that he needs to feel listened to.
My kids get their say, then me and DH make final decisions.
Are they creating a monster or am i just being a judgemental nosy parker?! 😂

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 17/04/2018 20:04

Yanbu.

KT63 · 17/04/2018 20:06

We consider their opinions and wouldn’t deliberately trample on their feelings, so we take suggestions and ideas on board, but ultimately we’re the parents, so have final say.

Supermarket for example, I’ll ask if there’s anything they particularly fancy this week. If the answer is mars bars for tea that’s obviously a no, but if they ask for proper meals I’ll usually go with that. Or if they ask for a takeaway on a Friday, if we can afford it I wouldn’t say no.

Holidays, nope. It’s based on what’s best for everyone, not just one.

Days out, again suggestions are taken on board and then we work out what’s best for everyone.

GlitterGlue · 17/04/2018 20:06

Everything? They're making a monster.

Absolutely listen to them, let them make some decisions or have equal input on some occasions - for example shall we go to the beach or the farm. But not control over major decisions. Children are quite stupid.

mrsmainz · 17/04/2018 20:09

I have a 10 year old. If it relates to him, I will ask his opinion, but he doesn't have the final say in family stuff. We either all mutually agree, or he gets voted out 😂

Brokenbiscuit · 17/04/2018 20:12

I have a 12yo. I certainly ask for her opinions and take them on board. However, she isn't paying the bills so doesn't get to decide.

CannaeBeErsed · 17/04/2018 20:12

My kids have opinions. Whether we go with their decisions is a whole other matter. If they work, pay rent and council tax plus paying for holidays and decor then they can pick the furniture or destinations! Until then, it's our choice!

Original poster
user1483390742 · 17/04/2018 20:12

That's my view- like it or lump it. They usually choose to like it! 😂

OP posts:
catkind · 17/04/2018 20:14

See, many of those things I wouldn't care greatly about. So if kids did care and had sensible requests I say go for it. There are so many things they don't get a say on, and adults will still be able to steer and veto any silly suggestions. I'm bored of deciding what's for tea, if someone else actually cares it suits me. I'm sure they wouldn't continue to let him choose if he said fish and chips every day.

KT63 · 17/04/2018 20:15

Also, there’s a massive difference between listening to your child/children and considering their needs, and being dictated to and allowing them to control everything. One is healthy and important, the other is definitely not healthy.

Noqonterfy · 17/04/2018 20:16

We tend to make joint decisions that everyone feels happy with.

emsmum79 · 17/04/2018 20:19

No one gets to make all the final decisions - we share.
They are right to think his opinion matters, but definitely wrong to allow him the final decision on everything.

ButternutCrinkleFries · 17/04/2018 20:20

We do discuss things with ds. He recently chose his first holiday (with lots of guidance from us obviously as he’s 5!). He’s learning Spanish at school and really wanted to go somewhere that he could —piss off the
locals— speak it. He seemed really pleased that he was allowed to help choose. It was where we were planning on going anyway but it was nice to include him.

bridgetjonesmassivepants · 17/04/2018 20:23

We do discuss stuff, especially if it effects the children but ultimately, as we tell them, it's not a democracy in our house it's a hierarchy. The adults get to make the ultimate decisions.

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 17/04/2018 20:25

I quite like the idea of finding out what a 10 year olds dream holiday etc would be, and if there is no practical reason not to would certainly consider their wishes, but not in any important way, in all
Honesty. I mean my children Might say they want me and their father to stay at home with them and we’re not going to quit work on their say so, for example

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 17/04/2018 20:27

I don't think they are creating a monster necessarily as long as they are all happy with the decision.

At 10 years old, he is probably a bit old for babyish holidays, so would more than likely suggest something they would all like anyway.

Unless he has grown up as a spoiled brat, I hardly think he is suddenly going to turn in to one because he gets to make a few decisions that his parents probably aren't that arsed about anyway.

The furniture thing is a bit odd, unless it's stuff for his own bedroom, then that would be okay.

Dd pretty much has the run of the tv until she goes to bed and there isn't really much I want to watch before her bedtime anyway. It's not like I would make her sit through an episode of eastenders anyway. It's grim.

Theknacktoflying · 17/04/2018 20:31

It again depends on the situation - the decision is usually left to my kids as to what option they want to follow but would never let them dictate any situation ... and face consequences of their decisions ...

Ours is a benign dictatorship ...

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 17/04/2018 20:31

My kids get an input but ultimately we make final decisions apart from on thier birthdays they get too choose exactly what they do. I think by giving thier son full control will probably give them problems in the long run but that will be thier problem. Certainly not being unreasonable but I wouldn’t say anything.

Original poster
user1483390742 · 17/04/2018 20:37

I wouldn't dare say a word.. it's none of my business (she says, sharing it on MN)!! 😂

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 17/04/2018 21:37

They are making a monster.

My psychology professor once said that even a small child knows deep down that they shouldn't be running the house.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2018 21:41

At one end there's 'like it or lump it'. At the other there is the child dictating everything. IMO both are wrong.

Boundaries and limits while listening to and respecting the opinion of the child. And allowing them enough influence so that they feel the positive and negative consequences of their decisions.

Anxiouschild · 17/04/2018 22:05

It depends on what it is. Sometimes we have a short list where we're happy with any/either option and let nearly-4yo DD1 (DD2 too young for any real input) pick, sometimes we ask DD1 for suggestions then we decide taking what she said into account (but not necessarily going with her choice), other times decisions are presented as a fait accompli to her.
If it isn't an important decision I try to let her have her say, and it's nice she feels involved.

She picks one dinner for the week's meal plan. This afternoon she chose to visit the local open farm as the activity (we're members so no extra cost). She chose our holiday campsite from the choice of "where we went last year or somewhere new?" (She chose the same one. We would have picked the new one if she wanted a change, but were happy with either same/different). She chooses the clothes she's bought from a shortlist I put together (absolutely pointless to buy things she doesn't like as she just won't wear them).

We like to present a veneer of democracy Grin

allertse · 17/04/2018 22:10

Sounds a bad idea to let them decide everything but none of those are individually unreasonable.

My family went shopping for sofas without me, bought one really comfy one and two less comfy ones that noone wanted to sit on, and I always got lumped with sitting on an uncomfy one because the big comfy one was right in front of the tv and I didn't really watch TV and they did. I'm still bitter.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 17/04/2018 22:11

DS is 17 and gets to add his own groceries to the Ocado order, can cook dinner for us all whenever he chooses and gets a vote if I can't decide what we are having for dinner. He is consulted over some decisions about things like holidays, days out etc, but he doesn't get to dictate everything and knows that sometimes we make the decisions and that is that. His opinion has been sought more as he's got older, I wouldn't have had him having the casting vote at 10 on everything otherwise he would become very entitled and not learn that sometimes you have to compromise.

Original poster
user1483390742 · 17/04/2018 22:56

Because he is an only child, i get the impression that his parents don't think he should have to compromise.. the decision is his!

OP posts:
Figmentofmyimagination · 18/04/2018 08:44

I once gave my (then) young teen girls free rein to choose the bed for the spare bedroom online (with a budget, obvs). Now, about 5+ years later, we all hate it. Not enormous enough, white painted metal, twee and princessy, with nobbly heart shapes at each corner. Yeuch.

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