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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

would you let your 14 yr old DD stay in a house share with her Dad?

48 replies

donners312 · 17/04/2018 17:49

My DD14 wants to go and stay with her Father (who is a complete twat).

He lives in a house share with 5 other people sharing bathroom/kitchen.

She will have to share bed with him or sleep on the floor.

Would you allow this?

OP posts:

TrudeauGirl · 18/04/2018 07:32

Don't stop her, her dad will look after her. Maybe a camp bed will be the solution?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 18/04/2018 07:36

It’ll be crowded and uncomfortable but that’s no reason for not allowing it if she’s keen to. Beyond that, what is it that bothers you? How long is she planning on staying for?

I think it would be unreasonable of you to stop her spending time with her dad if that’s what she wants.

TryingToGetFired · 18/04/2018 07:40

It's up to your dd to decide....as long as she is aware of the circumstances. Lots of normal single people share houses.

0range99 · 18/04/2018 07:41

If he is a good Dad then yes I would. If he was likely to bigger off to the pub and leave her behind then no.

My 14yo wouldn’t like this set up at all but if yours is happy to go then it is good for her to maintain a relationship with her Dad.

NinaJeana · 18/04/2018 07:52

I don't think it's up to the 14 yo to decide really. I have a teen - they can be extremely emotional and irrational most of the time 😬 and I don't think they are able to make an informed decision on this really - she is still a child.

ShinyShooney · 18/04/2018 07:54

Its up to the 14 year old.

When she stays at friends houses do you vet everyone there? They could easily have random lodgers/ family friends etc that you don't know.

diddl · 18/04/2018 07:55

If that's what she wants to do-& isn't it supposed to be able the child-& she won't be in any danger-why wouldn't you?

Echobelly · 18/04/2018 08:01

I would because at the end of the day I don't think it would be fair to prevent a child from seeing a parent because they're in a house share (as they're often necessary in order to afford anything these days). I might want to go over and meet the housemates if possible so I know who's who and get a sense of them if possible.

PasstheStarmix · 18/04/2018 08:02

Why would she want to share a bed at 14 with her father? That is massively inappropriate.

PasstheStarmix · 18/04/2018 08:03

Also what do you know about the other people? 14 is a child and it’s your job to protect her and YANBU.

Mydoghatesthebath · 18/04/2018 08:38

Sharing a bed with dad at 14 unless in an emergency is innapropriate isn’t it?

YeahAndThenWhat · 18/04/2018 08:58

Why would she want to share a bed at 14 with her father? That is massively inappropriate

No it isn't! Some people must have had weird Dads or something. 🙄. I shared a bed on occasion with my Dad when I was a teen when we've been traveling. It saved the cost of an extra room. Admittedly it wouldn't have been my first choice but the thought that there might have been something 'inappropriate' about it is ridiculous.

OP, I would let her go without a thought. I would tell her to feel free to call if she wants to come home.

Slievenamon · 18/04/2018 08:59

Yes, of course. There is nothing dangerous about the situation you describe

How do you know? If you don't know the FIVE other people he lives with?

Original poster

donners312 · 18/04/2018 09:10

Yes, of course. There is nothing dangerous about the situation you describe.

This.

This is my main concern really.

Also people saying it is important to have a relationship with your dad - well it depends on what you expect from a Dad but it in her case he stole all the family money and left us homeless, doesn't give a fuck about her expect to try to manipulate me.

Do i think he will rape her - no! but it takes more than that to be a good dad.

I have been very grateful for all messages it is very hard to know what to do he is an emotionally abusive bully but she thinks he is wonderful because he does FA - no telling her to empty the dishwasher etc.

So it would be a for a weekend but i feel bloody tempted to tell hero shove off there sometimes so she can see what the lying thief is actually like and so she can see what life with him would be like.

I don't care about the people in the flat although i hope they do tell him he is taking the piss it isn't acceptable for him to invite people to stay why would they want my DD there?

But thanks for the messages all of them are helpful!

OP posts:

IfNot · 18/04/2018 09:22

I was going to say it depends what kind of twat he is, but you have just explained.
As hard as it is, if she wants to go and you don't allow it, he will remain the cool dad and you will be the terrible mother preventing her from having a relationship with him.
If you grit your teeth and send her (I know, I know) with instructions that she call you if she is uncomfortable about ANYTHING then maybe she will actually get to see him for the selfish lying toerag he plainly is.
Given enough time kids come to realise for themselves what their parents are like. Despite all the "she turns the kids against me" crap these arseholes come out with its rarely nessecary to make them look bad-they do it all by themselves.

Im not sure about the "inappropriate"comments though! I just went away for the weekend and shared a bed with nearly teen ds. It didn't feel at all inappropriate! I'm his mum not some random adult! I have shared a bed with my brother as an adult too though so maybe we're weird.

Original poster

donners312 · 18/04/2018 09:31

Agreed the sharing the bed thing is the least of my worries about it.

It might make her see what he is like the problem is i don't know if she is agreeing to go to try to stop all the court action or if she genuinely wants to see him.

TBH if it doesn't inconvenience me he won't want her, once i say she is getting the train herself and I am not going to be coming then he won't be able t make up an excuse fast enough!!!

OP posts:

PasstheStarmix · 18/04/2018 09:38

Previous posters who’ve said they shared a bed with teen children for a holiday is not an everyday occurance though. It’s hardly the same as sharing a bed with your teen children every single night on a long term basis. I believe teenagers need privacy and space and that that the situation OP describes isn’t appropriate. Parents separate older ds and dd as they get older due to the need for privacy. So how is a teen girl sharing a bedroom with her dad any different?

PasstheStarmix · 18/04/2018 09:39

And also does OP know any of the other lodgers/house mates?

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/04/2018 10:43

Sounds like an arsehole. If he stole all the family money and still winds up in shared accommodation, he’s not made a success of his life let alone being father of the year material. I totally agree with IfNot. Your dd needs to see who her father really is. So, yes, grit your teeth and let her go. She can always call you if she’s in any way uncomfortable.

flowerslemonade · 18/04/2018 10:51

You can get an airbed from Wilko for £10, they're not bad quality. I think there are duvets for £5 too. Actually there's a double air mattress for £5 at the moment, but it might be too big to fit in a room.

www.wilko.com/camping-equipment/wilko-air-mattress-double/invt/0228343

It would be way better than sharing a bed.
Also need something to blow it up with, but maybe one of his housemates might have a pump.

Original poster

donners312 · 18/04/2018 14:53

No I have no idea who he leaves with but it is incredibly cheap so I dread to think who is in there TBH.

He would no way spend money on a new duvet or airbed so if she ends up on the floor that is her hard cheddar.

He has loads of money and an OK job but is so tight! I honestly would have to disinfect him to go near him as i have seen photos online of the accommodation and also a shared bathroom with strangers - yuck to me!! The thought of my DD near it is awful but it might be a good reality check for her, plus last time he saw her (1st time in 9 months) he took her for a walk around the streets and to the pub so I can't see him trying to impress her or do anything she might find interesting. Thanks for all the points!

OP posts:

Original poster

donners312 · 18/04/2018 14:53

Lives with i mean!

OP posts:

StellaWouldYouTakeMeHome · 18/04/2018 17:05

He’s her dad unless there’s a back story I see no issue

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