To talk about miscarriage

[DwangelaForever]

So, I'm idly reading the daily mail (I know shame on me but I am exceptionally bored ) and there's a story about Katie Price suffering a miscarriage a few days before the London Marathon (a good few years ago as she was with Pete at the time).

All the comments are about how we don't need to know this and how it's a private affair etc.

AIBU to be annoyed by these responses? (I know they are maybe a bit off as many people don't like Katie Price but still) the reason miscarriage is so taboo is because of people's attitudes like this!

It's so important for women to be able to talk about their experiences of miscarriage (if they want to) without judgement and people wanting to sweep them under the rug!

I sadly experienced one myself last year and had no idea how common it was until I posted a blog about it and received so many messages from friends sharing their experiences.

YANBU.

However, people will criticise anything Katie Price says or does. So I suspect it's more to do with her part in the article than the miscarriage.

Had it been about a random woman's experience or a less disliked celeb I doubt the comments would have been so nasty.

Ime I preferred to keep it private as I didn't want to hear repeated enquiries as to if I was OK. . Only me and dh knew and that's how it will stay.
Each to there own however...

YANBU. There is an attitude still that it should be hidden and all pregnancy must be secret until 12 weeks.
I told more people I'd miscarried than that I was pregnant. Some because it felt necessary (work) and others because I needed to talk.

I kept my miscarriage private, even from my boss, as I didn't want to deal with other people's reactions. I just knew that if they were kind to me I'd burst into tears and I would be embarrassed. And then when I felt ready to talk about it the time had passed to really raise it. Now I will mention it if relevant. But it is for every woman to decide how to handle their own circumstances, and I found it incredibly helpful to hear other people's stories.

Yanbu.

You don't realise unless you've had a miscarriage, how lonely you feel following it, as it's taboo to talk about.

Yanbu and sorry for your loss

YANBU, I feel the same.

I had two missed miscarriages last year after three perfectly healthy and ‘normal’ pregnancies so they were a huge shock. I didn’t realise at the time that they were so common, I also had no idea that a ‘missed miscarriage’ was even a thing. I naively assumed that if you reached 12 weeks without bleeding or significant pain, you would be fine. Not always the case, as I discovered twice... On TV they’re always dramatised (as everything is I suppose) with lots of pain and blood, I didn’t know you could suffer a silent loss.

I tried to discuss my first miscarriage with people around me but they had absolutely no idea what to say to me. I was so, so distraught and it was made 1000x worse by how lonely and isolated the grief actually was. It isn’t like ‘normal’ grief where you can share it with others who knew that person and you have fond memories of them, it’s completely separate. You are essentially left grieving for someone that didn’t get a chance to even develop but that you had such high hopes for. It’s devastating.

As a result following my second miscarriage I completely shut it off. I attempted to do the stiff upper lip thing and brush it under the carpet. Told my boss I had an emergency minor operation that was nothing to be concerned about, went back to work a couple of days later and pretended all was fine. That is obviously incredibly destructive and did not help but I didn’t know who to speak to about it at all.

Luckily for me a colleague found me sobbing one lunchtime and I sort of exploded with everything. She understood and had experienced multiple miscarriages herself. It was the first time I had met someone who had been through similar and it felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

It’s so, so important it is discussed more openly so the vast number of women experiencing it every year don’t feel alone. It’s unbelievable how something so common is simply just swept under the carpet. Makes me sad.

YANBU. If people want to keep it private then of course that’s fine. But it shouldn’t be the shameful secret that it is for those who do want to talk about it. I found it the loneliest experience of my life.

I have never experienced any taboo around talking about miscarriage.

Yes I 100% agree it's fine to keep it private and I understand why people would want to, but I don't feel people should have a negative reaction if you decide to talk about it.

I think it's sometimes a generational thing too and we are getting better with it. My granny knew about mine but she didn't mention it whatsoever and got slightly awkward around me when I brought it up (and quickly dropped it because of her reaction). It's so isolating and lonely morning a child you've never met and barely told anyone about (because of the taboo of telling people you're pregnant before 12 weeks)

You mourn not only for a child but for your "what could have been" family.

I had a normal textbook first pregnancy and naively thought that because I had, a miscarriage could never happen to me (anyone I had known to have one had their first pregnancy end in miscarriage) it really shook me to the core how common it is.

Yanbu. Talk about it as much as you feel the need to.

I lost a baby later on once everyone knew. I was off a long time. A couple of colleagues lost family members and everyone had a collection, gushing facebook posts, flowers, cards, etc. I lost my baby and I got nothing. It doesn't matter that I wouldn't have wanted any of that. What matters is that my loss wasn't acknowledged. At all. When I came back to work, people put their heads down and scuttled away. One of the most precious things I have from that time is a card from a distant family member, because it acknowledged the loss of my baby. In my world, someone really fucking important and special had died.

People dismiss the loss and minimise it. They say that it isn't a "real baby", but look on a screen and see arms and legs and a spine and a head that you have grown yourself with love and hope, and try to say that that isn't a baby. And besides, the sentiment is redundant. My son isn't a real teenager (he's 4) but he's still my child. My baby might not have been a real baby. He was a foetus, but he was still my child.

People euphemise it. I got "what happened", "your personal problems", "your time off" etc. I lost a baby. I wasn't having "personal problems", I was fucking bereaved. Bereavement is a fact of life, not something that I should have dealt with in private if I didn't want to.

I posted a picture on facebook (yeah I know) of the place my baby's ashes are because it was beautiful. I'm definitely not a facebook oversharer. I post about twice a year, but it was a healing picture for me. Sunshine, blue skies, flowers etc. No-one responded. Contrast that with the endless love hearts and kisses that people post when someone loses someone who is "out in the world", or a pet, or a teddy bear etc.

This has been an epic rant, I'm sorry

But you are so YANBU to talk about miscarriage. It's something that happens to 1/4 of us. Anything to lessen the taboo, the loneliness, the enforced privacy. Anything to make it easier.

@DameLillyTillicut I understand the need for your Facebook post as a healing thing, that's exactly why I shared my experience in my blog, to heal.

I know it's awful how people react to a "real" bereavement and awkwardly avoid a pregnancy lose

Oh this has come at such a relevant time for me. I'm currently going through what looks to be an anembryonic pregnancy - where the embryo doesn't develop but the gestational sack does. I'm waiting to have a scan on Saturday to confirm, but it's absolutely soul destroying to have to know that in all likelihood there's no baby and I have to go through all the symptoms of pregnancy until my body catches up, or I decide to take action to remove it.

People never think it will happen to them. You know the risk of miscarriage, but you think, oh it will be ok. And then your world just implodes. it is such a lonely thing and no it shouldn't be so taboo at all. I can't say I like Katie price that much but I feel for her and any woman who goes through miscarriage in general, as well as what I'm going though.

I know what you mean about people 'ignoring' it. I suffered a mc last autumn, had a month off work and am still struggling to come to terms (first pregnancy, ttc 2 years). When I was ready, I shared our loss with select people (half a dozen originally knew we were pregnant. Some respond beautifully and I will always appreciate their words. Others, including my brother and his wife, have said nothing, not even "I'm sorry" by text. For me it makes the loss worse; why are you ignoring the fact I've lost a child? As soon as I knew I was pregnant I had all the hopes and dreams, we'd picked our favourite boy's name...yet it was brushed aside as if it doesn't matter.

Having suffered it I am always sensitive to any kind of loss and will always tell a person I am sorry. It's such a small thing, yet people don't understand how much it means.

Yes! YANBU in the slightest!

I had a miscarriage that lasted WEEKS. Failed medical management and then a d&c. Absolutely horrendous.

While I was still miscarrying a girl I was friendly with (note the use of the past tense) text me to say she was really sorry to hear about my miscarriage but just to let me know she was pregnant. I still remember reading the text and thinking that I don't know how someone could be so unthinking and cruel.

I seem to remember that the big issue with Katie Price talking about her miscarriage was that she and Pete had agreed it was private and they wouldn't say anything about it publicly. Then when they split she decided to use it to garner sympathy at a time when everyone was 'siding' with Pete. That's pretty manipulative IMO.

FWIW, I've had 3 miscarriages and I'll talk about it if it comes up, but it's not something I feel the need to mention if it doesn't. For example, I was explaining to some Mums at DDs dance class today that I was classed as high risk and under consultant care because of my age (over 40). She expressed surprise as, at 40 herself, hadn't been under consultant care and could there be another reason I was considered high risk. I suggested the 3 miscarriages. Wouldn't have mentioned it otherwise though.

Also, she told me when she was about 6 weeks pregnant and didn't tell anyone else about her pregnancy for a while after. It was like she went out her way to rub salt in the wound and was utterly taken aback when she was abruptly cut off

YANBU. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. I talked to a lot of people and when I was pregnant again 2 months later I continued to tell people as and when I saw them, ignoring the 12 week thing. The first miscarriage didn't make me want to hide away and if I'd had a second miscarriage I would have talked about that too.

So many people told me about their own as soon as I talked about mine, so many more than I realised and I wanted people to know that if they experienced it later and wanted to talk to someone who'd been through it I had had that experience.

When I was in A&E a week after I started bleeding, in agony with what turned out to be the last of it stuck and needing manual removal, the nurse who first treated me told me, "I've been there, I know how you feel." She didn't gave to share that but because she chose to I felt massively comforted. It still makes me cry when I think about her and how it felt in that moment.

I have has 5 micarriages and I tried the stoic stiff upper lip don't talk about it approach for several years. It nigh on killed me. When I opened up and told people the response I got from people was incredible and the support was lovely. I strongly suspect though had I told them after each one they would have got bored and the response not quite so supportive whereas I told them in one hit when it was finished with.

Everyone is different in how they handle loss and we need to respect this.

Oh and like a pp I'm currently pregnant and high risk. I had fortnightly scans until 12 weeks, an open ticket to EPU and am under consultant led care

Personally I didn't want to talk about it because I found it too distressing. It was between me and my husband and I didn't need to go through reliving it with everyone else.

Got to be honest I'm all for awareness and solving the actual problem but I do think more recently there has been a lot of pressure for women to talk about their loss more at the time and I just couldn't do that.

I personally find the #waveoflight on Facebook etc quite distressing and would never do it, I get it's for awareness but the carefully instagrammed photos just make me inwardly groan and to put it bluntly some of the people I know who do it are quite attention seeking and there are too many "you alright Hun" comments that are just cringeworthy. And I know people are going to disagree with what I've said there but as I say I've been through it and I can't help how I feel! Personally I prefer to donate to charities like Tommys.

As for Katie Price the comments are probably just because at that stage she totally over shared everything and people were just fed up of her.

I've never seen it being ignored in my circle. Very working class circle, and a caring profession. A colleagues daughter had a still birth and we had a collection for the family. My best friend had a miscarriage and everyone was so loving and supportive. It made me wish I'd at least told my family about mine so i didn't have to face it alone. Bit late now though.
I do remember my second miscarriage, just after my second scan being told there was no heartbeat. The sonographer immediately said "don't forget about your partner, it isn't just about you and he'll be very upset". I was in shock, he was there, I hadn't even had 5 seconds to process it, wasn't even crying or anything. She then made me sit with all the pregnant women waiting for their scans so I could see the doctor. I just left but wish I'd have complained.

I'm so sorry Giraffe Look after yourself.

While I was still miscarrying a girl I was friendly with (note the use of the past tense) text me to say she was really sorry to hear about my miscarriage but just to let me know she was pregnant. I still remember reading the text and thinking that I don't know how someone could be so unthinking and cruel.

BonBon I'm really sorry for your awful experience. Truly. This is kindly meant - I wonder whether your friend told you about her pregnancy early on because it might have felt worse if you later realised she had concealed it from you? Could it be possible that she was trying to be as sensitive as possible rather than deliberately rubbing salt in the wounds?

It has to be a personal choice about whether to share. Personally I chose too and found it was a positive thing, many people felt able to share their own stories including some that hadn't talked about their own losses at all. We discovered that 2 very good friends both had sisters that were still born and their mums hadn't felt able to talk to anyone about them until my friends and I talked about my son (24 weeks) and later another miscarriage. But not everyone gains comfort for talking, but it helped me mourn.

People struggle to know what to say so sometimes we have to help them. My mum explained to lots of people what happened and that we felt able to talk and welcomed people talking to us. This helped to make it easier for them to know it was ok.

I'm currently on my 7th pregancy and I have 1 little boy who is 5 years old, my first two miscarriages where quite early and before I had my son. I had a horrible pregnancy with my son and ended up having to have an emergency C-section for an erupted placenta and 2 blood transfusions.
The three miscarriages I had after my son were the worst the pain was off the scale and they all occurred around the 7-8 week mark. One was a missed miscarriage that resulted in me getting sepsis, the last one which happened in January had me in hospital for 4 days on very strong painkiller, not even doctors and nurses like to talk about it, it just seems like part of their day to day lives and they never check on your mental well being after it has happened!
I am currently 11 weeks pregnant and an nervous wreck, I thought the anxiety would go away once I got past my normal miscarriage zone, but it has got worse! Because you get more attached and you know the pain will be a lot worse!
They really need to get support groups in place for things like this and make it less taboo to talk about!!