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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family arguments

19 replies

Prouddaddy1 · 17/04/2018 10:36

Hi

Me and my wife have a 16 month old daughter. She is European an we live in the U.K.

The problem we have that her parents are in her home country. She was very homesick at in the first year, so we travelled at lot back to her home country anc her mother visited a lot. We did have a few problems with her family however which are now sorted, Mainly because they were too overpowering and wanting to do too much.

My wife had always been very worried about leaving our daughter with anyone but me. We have left a couple of times with her Mum when we have been away. My wife was adamant she would not leave with my parents. I wasn’t happy with this, but accepted as she was a new Mum, and she said this would likely change as time went on and our daughter was older like a year old.

My problem is that as we live in the U.K., and my wife won’t leave our daughter with my parents we never have any time for ourself. She had said to me that if I even suggested we went out and left them to babysit that she would refuse to go. My mum and Dad are good people and my only suggestion was that they come anc sit at our house whand n our daughter is in bed so we can go out. My wife says the reason she won’t is because she had no choice to leave between our two sets of parents as hers live in her home country. She had now said that she feels pressure to leave with my parents and that she doesn’t want to leave with her Mum, as she will feel obligated to leave with my parents, and that pressure is not fair on her. My mum offers a lot in the beginning to help out if needed, which annoyed my wife, but I stopped my Mum doing that and said we will ask when we need help. My question is, that surely I am not being unreasonable in being happy to leave our daughter with my parents. Of course I wouldn’t do without my wife being happy with it, when she is now saying to me she wants to be able to leave our daughter with her Mum when she wants anc has done so. My only reason for wanting to use my mum and Dad is so we can have an evening out as we have not had one for 10 months, and I think we need some time just for the two of us. I know my mum and Dad would call if they had any problems anc they would only be sitting downstairs in our house with monito in case she wakes...not leaving all day. Help!

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 17/04/2018 10:39

This doesn't seem fair. Your daughter is as much yours as hers, grandparents are equal, she doesn't get to unilaterally decide everything.

Trinity66 · 17/04/2018 10:41

She sounds very unreasonable, has she given you an idea of what exactly the problem is with your parents?

Catspaws · 17/04/2018 10:44

She isn't more of a parent than you are and your parents aren't second tier grandparents. Unless she can articulate a valid reason why the child would suffer for being left with your parents, she will have to accept it. Try and explain to her that she's treating you like second class citizens and it's not right.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 17/04/2018 10:46

Your parents obviously managed to raise you safely?

Original poster
Prouddaddy1 · 17/04/2018 10:50

She keeps telling me that it’s normal that a Mum will be more comfortable with her own parenst. I understand that. I prefer mine! She even said to me that any women would understand. We argued over this so much. It’s not that I want to leave with my mum and Dad... it’s because we need some time! It means the only time we can leave our daughter is when we are visiting her family, which seems crazy and we should enjoy our life at home too. I have asked what worries her and she says it’s just the pressure of having no choice. She told me that when she was younger she was only left with her mums parents and never her dads. I’ve said that is unfair, because I never want our daughter to be almost pushed to believe that one set of grandparents is preferred. Bit have as much right. If I don’t trust my parents, I wouldn’t leave her. My wife said yesterday, that eventually our familyies will split us up and the our daughter can be left with whoever we wish. I said, why do we need to split to do that. The longer she leaves it the header it will be. I am beginning to resent her and her mum a little that she is getting a special relationship as she is the grandmother of the Mum. That’s not how I believe it should be

OP posts:
Biddie191 · 17/04/2018 10:52

Is your daughter sleeping through? If so then for them sitting will be easy and surely unstressful for your wife. Do your parents have very old fashioned views on child rearing etc? I was reluctant to let my husband's mother look after mine, as she wouldn't do things 'my way' - some of her ideas were scary, sleeping babies on their fronts, with lots of warm blankets etc, adding things to bottles to help them sleep..... However, if your parents are sensible and happy to do everything your wife's way, then surely she can see that she's being unfair to them, to you and really to herself - she needs a break, and a night out, too!

WhiteCat1704 · 17/04/2018 10:54

YANBU.
It's seems crazy your wife doesn't appreciate support she could have from your parents. Does she get along with them? Do the like her?

I take it she wouldn't cosider a babysitter either?

Trinity66 · 17/04/2018 10:55

She even said to me that any women would understand.

Well, I'm a woman and a mother and I don't. Unless she has some reason not to trust your parents then she's being completely paranoid and unreasonable and very unfair on both you and your parents

My wife said yesterday, that eventually our familyies will split us up and the our daughter can be left with whoever we wish.

She sounds very unhappy, do you think it's because she wants to move back to her own country?

Original poster
Prouddaddy1 · 17/04/2018 10:56

My parents would do exactly as me and my wife says. My wife just says it’s a mother’s instinct. I could be more accepting, but it was when she told me she wants to be able to leave our daughter with her Mum whenever she wants to give her time when we are away. I feel so resentful. I can’t help we live in a different country to her family. We met here anc made our life here because of her work. I think she feels she would lose control as she can tell her parents what to do. I said she is a Mum now. She can tell anyone what to do with her daughter including my parents. I do with hers

OP posts:
Original poster
Prouddaddy1 · 17/04/2018 10:57

My daughter does sleep through.

OP posts:
Original poster
Prouddaddy1 · 17/04/2018 11:02

She has found it hard being away from her mum, after she had our daughter, so much so that last year I took special leave from work twice for us to spend longer with her family. Prior to this she never did. She knows our future is better here as her work is better here as is mine as there are no prospects on my line of world where she is from anc I do not speak the language yet, so accepst and wants to live here. I understand that she misses her family. Even her mum agrees that we are better off here. Even if we moved back to her home country we would have less help as her parents both work anc she would have to work full time. Now she can afford to work part time. My mum annoyed her a couple of times with offer of help, saying she felt like she was making her feel she wasn’t able to do things. Again I sorted it. My mum and Dad are lovely people and working never impose their ideas on us re bringing up our daughter. I’d they did, I would stop them straight away

OP posts:
Original poster
Prouddaddy1 · 17/04/2018 11:04

We are interviewing a nanny to get her some help so am hoping this will give us time. I feel a little sad that we are doing this, because there is really no need. My parents are retired and could help whenever we needed. Now they offer no help unless we ask. They only come around when we invite them.

OP posts:
HumptyD93 · 17/04/2018 11:17

Is there any reasons why she wont leave with your parents???

TBH I wouldn't leave my dc with my mil.... she cares more about her dogs than my dc, blamed my dc crawling on the floor for her dog launching across the room and trying to bite him (luckily dh was very close and pushed dc out of the way and grabbed the dog), their dogs are allowed "everywhere" let them run riot in our house and they ended up fighting and weeing all over!!!, Dogs have killed a family members cat. They dont seem to be caring and very abrupt/strict.

I would, however, leave dc with dh's uncle/aunt...so its nothing to do with my family/his family.

maybe there is another reason?????

Trinity66 · 17/04/2018 11:20

We are interviewing a nanny to get her some help so am hoping this will give us time. I feel a little sad that we are doing this, because there is really no need. My parents are retired and could help whenever we needed. Now they offer no help unless we ask. They only come around when we invite them

She's prepared to hire a nanny but not leave your daughter with her own grand parents? that's terrible, is she afraid that your daughter will end up closer to your parents over hers? It sounds like that but that's a terrible and spiteful reason not to allow your parents look after their grand child

Original poster
Prouddaddy1 · 17/04/2018 11:43

I have asked is there is any other reason and she just says it’s because of pressure. I wouldn’t be offended if she had a valid reason. Our daughter would just be asleep. We argued a few weeks ago about this and I said that I will never let our daughter see one grandparent as preferred over another and said if she can’t stay with one then why should she stay with any, in particular as we are getting a nanny. I apologised when I said that as I would never do that, but I just feel that as parents decisions should be joint. My parents raised me well, and I turned out well and have a successful career and they have also bought me up with good values anc being fair. My mum can be a little annoying, but nothing bad, and only like most mums can be. She certainly doesn’t impose her ideas on us as she knows she wouldn’t have a chance! I think she feels this is right because this is what her mum did.

OP posts:
Likejellytots88 · 17/04/2018 12:40

yanbu at all.
She needs a better reason than pressure though, why don't you offer a smaller step? Invite your parents round at a time you know you DD will be napping and ask you wife to go to the shop with you for something (assuming you have a shop close enough to do this within 15-20 mins) or just a walk around the block for 10 mins and see what happens - nothing will - I had my mum come shopping with me and my DS every week for 6 months before I let her even look after my son alone for half a day, took another couple of months to be happy with them babysitting in the evening and he was over 18months when the first sleepover happened. And that was with my own parents.

Merryoldgoat · 17/04/2018 12:58

YADNBU

I’d be lost without my PIL and their help. You should of course be able to make some of the decisions and your wife is being extremely unreasonable.

Troels · 17/04/2018 13:19

YANBU your wife has lost the plot. I'm a woman I have three children we lived in the same country as my Dh's parents, they babysat for us, much as I missed my mother and wanted her to do it, she was 5000 miles away and visited each year. She watced the children when she visited too.
Your wife needs to get over this, you are also a parent even if she thinks she is more important as a parent, you have as much right as she does. I think she needs to see the doctor, maybe she is suffering from PPD or having other problems

Twogoround · 17/04/2018 14:11

There is a thing called a paid babysitter maybe look into this if you want go out.

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