AIBU or a bit needy?

[Corkscrewbetty]

My boyfriend is extraordinarily tight. I don't know if that might be a dealbreaker for me. We've had our ups and downs. I've known him for three years. I got together with him after splitting from my husband of fifteen years. We split up at one point and I decided I'd be better off doing it on my own. I had a baby using a sperm donor. Age wasn't on my side. She is the light of my life. I am very independent (financially, maybe not so much emotionally), but I would like to build a life with this man. We got back together recently. We don't live together. He comes over at weekends. He is lovely with the baby, but I'm taking it very slowly because we've had our problems in the past (all to do with his laziness). Anyway, the point is... he NEVER wants to do anything unless it's free (which means going for a walk). I just get the impression that he comes over to my house to eat. We don't go to restaurants or on trips... even just for a coffee. I work from home, so I feel desperate to get out and about with the baby at weekends. He has just been made redundant and is quite happy to stay on the dole for the forseeable future because he has a lot of savings. He is also able to live on very little a month. He lives in a council flat and gets a lot of benefits (we're not in the UK). I know this shouldn't be anything to do with me, but where is his get up and go? Why would he choose not to work? I dream about us owning a house together one day and making a real go of things as a family, but he just seems so selfish at times. And lazy. He more or less 'warns' me that work is not his thing. He would rather spend his time doing things he likes (naps and going to the beach from what I can gather). SOmetimes, I feel like I should just get a grip and recognise that he isn't going to change. Other times, I feel needy and that I love him deeply and that I'm scared of being totally on my own. I live in the middle of nowhere and work from home. I have few friends. It's getting me down. I just can't understand why he won't put in the effort.

This man really is not suited to you at all.

There really is nothing worse than greed. It’s such a turn off!

Dump and run

You're just not compatible.

He's putting in no effort because he doesn't need to and is lazy. I guess your work ethic is a lot stronger than his - he prefers to laze around, live very frugally and eke out his savings.

Not to say your way is right and his way is wrong, or vice versa, just that your values, goals and ambitions seem to be poles apart.

He won't change and there's nothing you can do about that. Either accept that he is this way, or dump and find someone more in tune with how you feel and think.

I can see what people mean. Perhaps we're just too different. My concern is that I just don't want to go looking for someone else with a baby so young. She's my priority. I get on very well with my boyfriend in other areas. He's bright and funny. I can converse with him easily. We share a similar sense of humour. I'm British and he's Spanish. I really do live in the middle of nowhere. The chances of finding someone else who has a similar level of intelligence (I know that sounds snobby) and who I can talk to... are slim to say the least. I'm ashamed of myself that I don't have much confidence in myself and don't feel capable of doing this alone. I have my own business, made my own baby... why am I so needy? It's hard to let go of him because of the good bits of our relationship. He can be romantic. He says he loves me. But, it does seem like I have a constant struggle on my hands. I don't want to be mega rich. I don't need him to be a high-flyer... but I don't think I can cope with zero ambition and having to persuade him that having an ice cream or a cup of coffee on a Saturday afternoon won't kill us. I sometimes feel in control of my life, but on occasion, I see my friends with their very successful husbands and I wouldn't mind a little security. A bit of teamwork. I took the decision to have my daughter on my own. It wasn't a lightly taken. I suppose I should just get on with it. But, I do crave the companionship. And I do need someone on my wavelength. I have some thinking to do. :-(