To need a little bit more help and understanding

[Kilo3]

So I'm 31 weeks pregnant now and have had a fairly straightforward time so far, other than a low lying placenta so I cant lift anything heavy.

Anyway a couple of months ago, DP got very sick and ended up in hospital. After weeks of medicines and tests we are no closer to knowing what is wrong. DP is convinced he's dying (might sound dramatic but his DF died of cancer at the same age) - we are now awaiting a referral to a specialist which wont happen till the end of May. I'm beside myself with worry both for him and for me and our unborn child. We aren't married and I know I could be left with nothing if the worst was to happen. I've broached the subject of getting married but DP gets upset and says I'm acting like he's as good as dead.

Due to all these issues we haven't sorted out anything for the baby. Our spare room is still a tip and neither of us are able to clear it. DSis has offered to help paint one weekend but she'll expect us to have already cleared and prepped the room, and we just cant. I'm so exhausted that I haven't been able to do any housework for nearly 2 weeks and the place is a mess. DP can barely walk up stairs and I have SPD :( I still have 7 weeks of work before maternity leave and just have no time to get things sorted. We were going to sort out Wills but we just have no time due to work and pure exhaustion. We have no baby stuff as there is nowhere to put it and no-one is willing to give us any of their old things (I don't know why this is exactly). Work isn't helping as they are piling it on to get the most out of me whilst I'm there.

I mentioned to DM about how I was finding it all too much and her reaction was just to say 'sorry to hear that' and then go on about her tooth hurting and how she couldn't get a dentist appointment for 2 weeks!

AIBU to want some help and not have to beg for it?

Definitely not unreasonable. That all sounds awful. In your position I would number one, go and get myself signed off by my GP. You shouldn’t be at work in pain from the SPD anyway and the stress alone is a legitimate reason to get signed off.

Secondly, where are you? I’m in east London and have lots of baby stuff you’re welcome to if you’re nearby. If you’re not I’m sure there’s a Mumsnetter in your vacinity who have stuff to give away or can recommend cheap and easy ways to obtain baby things.

Sending you as someone with a chronic illness which is life altering but not life threatening, your partner may wel have something similar which will change how he has to live but isn’t fatal.

I see too why you want to marry and in your position I would be pushing for that.

We found ourselves in a very similar situation recently too. Me with an HG pregnancy, a toddler with ASD and DH with severe anxiety requiring urgent treatment. The help we received? The odd phone call.

DH's family are v much of the 'you're pregnant, not ill' (also the 'mental illness is a sign of weakness') type and my own family were dealing with a huge bereavement.

We just had to get on with it as best we could, getting through each day together. I'm 31 weeks, like you, now and DH is a bit better. I'm still playing catch-up with things that went astray during the hard times.

In terms of baby things ALL you need are nappies, wipes, a few babygros and vests in newborn size, a couple of blankets and some muslins. Somewhere for the baby to sleep. EVERYTHING else can be sorted later.

If you really feel like you are drowning then you're going to have to ask explicitly for help, I think. I never could, I wish I had.

Have a look at pelvicpartnership.org.uk for the spd. It is treatable although usually you have to go private. I hobbled in and walked out pain free. And yes in your situation I'd get signed off work and start to tackle a small task each day and spend the rest of my time relaxing as much as possible.

You can get baby clothes and cots really cheaply from eBay or Facebook market place. People maybe keeping their stuff in case they have more children in the future. You don’t need lots, a changing mat, doesn’t need to be flashy just basic and functional. some muslins from Asda, their sleepsuits are cheap in white, vests as it will be warm soon, some scratch mits and your a long way to be ready. I got a second hand cot, new mattress and cleared some space for the cot. You don’t really need fancy decorations or clothes, people sell really nice pram systems for a fraction of the cost on eBay or Facebook. It’s worth a look.

Could you get written off work on sick leave?

I agree, get signed off by your doctors. Concentrate on only the stuff that needs doing.

• clear space in your room for cot or Moses basket
• look online for some easy to do will thing
• SLEEP. A LOT.
• look on Facebook, freecycle, charity shops if you have any decent ones, for free or second hand baby stuff. You don’t need much when they’re newborn - Moses basket, steriliser if you’re planning on formula feeding (might be worth getting a cheap microwave one for two bottles even if you’re not), stock of nappies and formula, few packs of babygros and vests, baby sleeping bag or blankets. Get everything from Asda on an online shop.

Most importantly, take care of yourself. Don’t try and do too much, don’t watch mummy bloggers in their perfect houses and push yourself to make your house perfect, support your husband as much as you can. Also - do ask. You shouldn’t have to beg but a lot of people don’t offer because they have been burned in the past.

Thanks for your kind messages and advice. I have seen some things on FB etc - it's just a case of finding the time to collect things as my car is so small and I'm absolutely shattered and uncomfortable by the time I'm released from work.

I was thinking of starting mat leave early but our HR guy is now on leave till May and apparently no-one else can organise that I'm reluctant to get signed off as any long-term sick will count against me when I go for training courses next year - and I really need to upgrade to more money!

Def order all the baby stuff online from ASDA or Sainsbury's. Their baby stuff is cheap as chips!

Pregnancy sickness does not count as regular sickness on your employment record, so if your employers overlook you for it then that is ILLEGAL.

I'm sorry to hear you have been struggling.

What did you mean by people would not give you their old stuff? Have you directly asked to borrow something, or is it that they didn't offer?

Well I put in a group message 'if you have any baby stuff you no longer need, please send it my way and I'm willing to pay!'

I was also talking to my friend who had her DS last year and she said 'what a pity you're having a girl as I have tons of boy stuff' and when I said that I would happily take boy stuff as it wouldn't really matter at such a young age she just smiled and said no more...

Have you tried free cycle or similar? I put our Chico next to me cot; a baby bjorn bouncer; a bath and a load of clothes on freecycle when DD outgrew them - you might find some useful things that way?

In the short term you don't need that much, and you can get it online. Car seat; cot or Moses basket; packs of babygrows and vests; baby hat; changing mat; wipes; nappies; maternity pads - that's about it for the first few days.

Hope your DP gets good news 🤞🏻🤞🏻

That all sounds so hard, try not to panic, like others have said you don't need much stuff initially.

Sounds like your mum was a bit useless - let's give her the benefit and say she's not used to you asking for help? Can you ask for more specific help from her, you might get better results?
Likewise with your friend who has girl baby stuff, did you get the feeling she was shutting the convo down completely or is she a close enough mate that you could say 'What with everything with DH I haven't had energy to get baby stuff, you have so much cute stuff and the baby wont know if it's a boy or a girl!'

Make sure you look after yourself love, prioritise getting help for your SPD

Also... HR person off til May and no one else can fill in til they're back?! That's unacceptable, this is important, if you have the energy or speak to your boss to advocate for you... you need to know your options and you can't wait til May.

I'd say keep it simple.

Order everything you can online

You don't need to paint the spare room, ask your dsis to clear it out for you instead.

I don't normally like the idea of this but make an amazon wish list or a baby register and get people to buy you things from there. People will understand your circumstances.

Also, make sure you MW knows your situation, and will be able to sign post you to sources of help.

Still get signed off - it is illegal and tbh you need it. Stress is good for no one and the issue with your husband is enough even without the baby and work.

Poor you OP. I would get signed off by your GP for a couple of weeks rest if I were you. Also, please don't think that I am trying to minimise your DH's health problems but I doubt he would be waiting over 6 weeks for a referral if his condition was potentially life threatening. I would enquire about the delay in referral given your level of worry which can't be good for you or your new baby. Good luck OP I hope you get sorted out quickly.

Ikea sell baby equipment very cheap and you can get it delivered, not everything can be delivered and delivery can cost up to £37 but the cheap prices will offset this.

Also on eBay you can buy bundles of baby clothes. They outgrow things so quickly that 2nd hand is well worth considering.

Thanks everyone - I will start looking around - I think I can store things at DM's whilst our place is in disarray!

As for the referral, I don't think the GP is as concerned as I am. He just sees some guy in front of him complaining of breathlessness - but DP was running on a treadmill and going hiking across Devon just a few months ago and now he cant even walk to the shops! He's in so much pain from his lungs and has to take so many painkillers. It's so heartbreaking as we should both be excitedly awaiting the arrival of DC1 but I cant enjoy it at all!