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AIBU?

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Original poster

To change my daughters name

26 replies

rabbitrabbit12 · 16/04/2018 11:10

I'm currently arguing with my exh regarding changing my 12 yr old daughters name. All I would like to do is add my maiden name to my daughters name as a middle name on her passport. This is so it shows a link between us as we travel abroad frequently.
I've explained to ex the reasons and that it wouldn't change her name day to day so I don't see why he's against it... aibu?

OP posts:
KirstenRaymonde · 16/04/2018 11:12

YANBU, why is he so against it? My DSis changed my nephew’s surname to include hers (double barrel) after she split from Dad. You wouldn’t be unreasonable to do this either, what you’re suggesting is even more mild

FizzyGreenWater · 16/04/2018 11:17

Control. His surname, his child - it's his mark.

Twat, in other words.

How does your DD feel about it? At 12 she must have an opinion.

If you took it to court, they would probably allow the change as you aren't removing his name.

If your DD is strongly in favour, I'd blandly say to your ex that he can agree, or you'll take it to court and they'd probably allow it anyway. So all he'll gain is showing your DD that he is controlling about her name and her choices, and happy to make life more difficult just so that he makes his point. You could comment that he might find that alienating her like that at this age might well see her deciding for herself to change her name completely to yours when she's of age... and given this performance, if she does want to do that you'll fully support her.

Original poster
rabbitrabbit12 · 16/04/2018 11:30

When I spoke to my Dd and the reasoning behind it she thought it was fair but since he's spoke to her she's gone against it... makes me angry he sticks his nose in and true to dictate my life.

OP posts:
JeNeBaguetteRien · 16/04/2018 11:39

Honestly, your DD is 12 so can easily enough express herself and confirm you're her mother if you are ever asked.
Even if she were a baby you can always have a copy of her birth certificate with you if needed.
There are loads of children who don't share a surname with both parents. Just remember you're the only mum your DD will ever have.
As an aside I have a note in my passport saying 'also known as' which they did with no proof of an additional name so perhaps that is an option?

holiday101 · 16/04/2018 11:50

OP it sounds as if you are trying to 'mark your territory' regarding the name issue. At 12 your dd can make her decision. At 12 she can also confirm that you are her mother at the airport. It seems odd that suddenly you want your maiden name added to 'link' to her. You are her biological mother, there is no greater link than that. Did you split up fairly recently?

Original poster
rabbitrabbit12 · 16/04/2018 12:01

We split up years ago. Why can't I 'make my mark' with my own child..

OP posts:
Mightymucks · 16/04/2018 12:02

So DD has heard your side of the argument and his and has decided she agrees with her father.

That’s all there is to it. You gave your reasons to DD so it was not unreasonable for him to give his. And at 12 DD ultimately gets to decide, if she’s said no you have to suck it up.

I think if I was your DD I would be concerned that this was going to be a backdoor into dropping his name almost entirely and if she doesn’t want to do that it’s up to her.

Mightymucks · 16/04/2018 12:04

Why can't I 'make my mark' with my own child..

Because she doesn’t want you to. You and your ex have both spoken to DD about it and she has made her choice. At her age you really have to respect her decision. If you fight her on this it will make you miserable.

JeNeSuisPasVotreMiel · 16/04/2018 12:05

This is (one of the many reasons) why I can't fathom why any woman would want to change their name to that of their partners', and give up their own familial identity.

Make your mark by staying true to your OWN name in the beginning. We're living in the 21st century.

If it goes to court OP, you would get permission to do this. And your DD can do it herself in a few years anyway.

Original poster
rabbitrabbit12 · 16/04/2018 12:06

She wanted to make it fair, but he's stuck his nose in and turned it against me!

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 16/04/2018 12:07

Um, so it's suddenly the OP being the malign force?

Her DD was positive about the change until her dad 'spoke to her' Hmm

'DD it's your decision so that is fine. It's a shame that you were positive about it until your dad intervened - remember it should genuinely be your decision, don't be afraid to tell him not to try and manipulate you in future.'

Original poster
rabbitrabbit12 · 16/04/2018 12:09

jene Yep and i wouldnt have changed my name should have added my name to dds birth cert if it wasn't for exh who was so adamant of us all having the same name on marriage..

OP posts:
holiday101 · 16/04/2018 12:14

Why can't I 'make my mark' with my own child..

Because she is not a pawn. I would feel differently about this if she was very young, but she has said she doesn't want to do it (whether that was up to your ex or not) so you need to respect that. The travel thing sounds like a red herring.

SilverySurfer · 16/04/2018 12:14

Why should you make your mark with your own child when she is old enough to make up her own mind and has agreed with her DF. What's next? A tattoo of your name on her arm? Hmm Your DD is an individual, she isn't one of your possessions.

Mightymucks · 16/04/2018 12:21

But you could equally say she was positive about her name until the OP spoke to her. The OP came up with the idea and presented it to her with her reasoning. Her Dad disagreed and by giving his DD his reasons was only doing exactly the same thing the OP did. He could just as easily say ‘well she was perfectly happy with her name until her DM poked her nose in’.

She is 12. She has every right to make up her own mind. She has listened to both her parents on the subject and made up her mind that she doesn’t want to change it. She should have her choice respected.

That’s the way it is when you have children and you split up when they’re old enough to have opinions. Sometimes their parents are going to disagree. Sometimes they will agree with one parent, sometimes with another. But ultimately if you don’t want your child turning into a battleground you have to accept their choice.

If the OP persists with this the person who will be harmed by being stuck in the middle of warring parents is her DD. Personally I wouldn’t put my child through that for the sake of a name on a passport.

Allthingsbluetoo · 16/04/2018 12:25

I don't know if this would work but could you add your DD's name to your name as middle names instead?

sonjadog · 16/04/2018 12:28

I suggest you let it lie for a few years. Your DD may change her mind later, or she may not. But now the idea has been put out there for further consideration.

Daxter · 16/04/2018 12:37

At 12, it's not a case of his name/your name. It's her name, she's had it her entire life and she's more than old enough to be attached to it. Any changes to it at all should be her choice not suggested/encouraged by either parent for the sake of fairness.

BadTasteFlump · 16/04/2018 12:43

I don't think it's a battle worth fighting, tbh. Your DD doesn't want to change her name; it's the name she's had her whole life, so I think you should leave it.

I can understand why you don't like the fact that your DD has a different surname to you now that you've divorced ( I presume) but that's the risk you take when you marry and take your husband's name. Having a different surname to your child is hardly unusual nowadays.

missbonita · 16/04/2018 12:44

It's not your name or his name to change, it is hers. He might have changed her mind for now but time will tell.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 16/04/2018 12:48

Why can’t you change your name to fit hers? I understand that your XH is being a dick but there’s little you can do about that.

My surname is first married name hyphenated with second married name, it doesn’t link me to my XH, it links me to my DD.

Gottokondo · 16/04/2018 12:50

Your DD decides in this case. Sorry, you're too late to force a namechange on her.

SendintheArdwolves · 16/04/2018 12:50

A person's name is not a room you get to redecorate when you decide it's no longer to your taste.

I see so many people on here being adamant at changing their name when they get married ("I want us all to be THE SAME") and then they get divorced ("Why shouldn't my kids have MY NAME that is suddenly so important to me?") and then remarried ("I want my name to be THE SAME as my new husband's and all the kids can double -barrel, etc").

Argh. Drives me crazy.

You gave her a name. Then you changed yours, and want to change hers so that you match. If having the same name as your daughter is so important to you, change yours back to hers.

Your daughter's name is her name. She gets to say. And who knows? Maybe she'll change it when she's eighteen. Or twenty five. Or when she gets married. After all, women's names don't really matter, do they? They're all just loaner names, and you get to change them to match your current circumstances, and then change them again when a man comes along. They don't denote agency, or personhood or individuality.

CaMePlaitPas · 16/04/2018 13:02

OP, you know, let this be a lesson, sometimes it's better to act first and deal with the consequences rather than thinking about something and everyone chiming in with their views.

ADishBestEatenCold · 16/04/2018 13:11

Sadly, there is nothing you can do about this, OP. All you can do is console Hmm yourself with the thought that, as a girl living in the UK (assuming you are in the UK), she won't have your exh's surname for too long.

If she marries in the future, it is statistically likely that she will take her husband's surname.
Then if she has children, it is statistically likely that she will allow those children to be given just their father's surname.
Then if her marriage is one of the 40% that end in divorce, it is statistically likely that the children will still have just their father's surname.
And so on.

It all starts with that first decision, which is positively 'embraced', upon marriage, by a majority of women in the UK. To take their husband's surname.

I don't know why women do that. It makes me quite sad.

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