Aibu to say no to last minute trip for dc

[Kent1982]

Exh called today announced in 2 weeks wants to take 2 year old on 3 night trip booked months ago by his functioning alcoholic grandad. This was mentioned a while ago I said didn't feel comfortable as dad would be drinking around dh. A number of heated debates followed. Obviously this was ignored and booked anyway and kept quiet until now.

Issues I have are
Dc has never stayed away for more than 1 night. With the regular contact means will be away 4out of 5 nights, I think it's too much.

Grandad is a functioning alcoholic, witnessed him drink 3 bottles of wine with dinner quite often. This guy took a full bottle of wine and glass to hospital to have a drink after a heart operation twice

Exh will not guarantee me his dad will not be drinking, and is basically spineless and will never address this

Whilst I have never seen grandad be mean towards dc, grandad has told be about incidents of smacking other grandchildren, carrying them by back of dungarees and disciplining at a level totally off limits by my standards, I've seen him make other kids cry being overly strict. exh has reassured he wouldn't allow this.

Aibu to say no, it's going to cause a real issue, probably land me in court as he thinks I'm totally unreasonable and he has every right to take him away, looking for a reasonable thoughts on this AIBU, WWYD

Is the trip abroad? Does he need your permission?

How old is DC? Will exH also be drinking? Can you instead if 5 nights only stipulate DC is away from you three nights, with an opportunity to return early if they want, and insist on nightly phone calls? Are there any custody orders in place? I would be unhappy that it’s been done behind my back as well, but I’d imagine that as DC gets older, they will want to spend more time with dad. Is there a reason he has so little overnight stays, or juts how it’s always been. It’s hard, I can see why he wants to spend more time with DC, but also why you would be unhappy.

I think that the contact should be just reduced to the trip. Next week could he have the two year old for two nights, to see how they go?

It's around this age when they can start to go for two nights.

His Dad is an alcoholic, he will drink. It's then down to if he is going to be a risk to your DS. It will come to a point were you will have to go to Court over this.

Is the trip based around your child, the venue, entertainment etc?

Yes, I think you're being unreasonable given the fact that the boys father is taking him, not the grandfather.

I think yabu
Its not really a last minute trip either as you've known about it for a while

Yanbu. Is the holiday outside of normal contact time? I would not want a functioning or non functioning alcoholic drinking around my small child. Also since your child has only been away from you for one night at a time, 4 nights is a big jump (especially for a child that young).

I wouldn’t enter into arguments with your ex. Keep it around what is best for your child and don’t get drawn into arguments. For example “I do not think it is in the best interests of a two year to be around someone who is drunk”. Put in writing too. Good luck!

What sort of trip is it? What are the sleeping arrangements? If your ex is sharing a room with your DS and is responsible for him at all times then he will be fine I imagine. If they are all sharing a tent maybe less fine.

I think TwiceAsNice22 has it right. It would be a No from me. But perhaps with some room for compromise.

No. It was raised, you said no and explained your concerns and they went aheadvand booked any way.
It's too many nights and I wouldn't trust the grandad.

Let him take you to court (he won't, it's not that simple). You're safe guarding your child.

You haven't given any information about how trustworthy you think your ex is taking care of his child.

And though I'm not mad keen on alcoholics, I understand a functioning alcoholic to be someone who most people wouldn't take to be an alcoholic because they hold it well. If that is the case, I'm not certain that spending a bit of time with his grandfather will do your child harm, especially if you trust your ex to look after him.

Thanks, it's in the U.K., to be clear, the issue isn't with his exh they have 2 overnight stays a week normally these are 1 midweek one at the weekend. The second night was phased in about 6 month ago

The concern is the length, that his grandad will be drinking,and his discipline methods. Exh has said he can't tell his dad not to drink

I asked for detail on accommodation set up etc but exh is uncertain,

all hinges on how the granddad will treat your dc .The alcoholic side of thing depends how he is some alcoholics are rolling around incoherent but others you would never know they are just constantly topped in with alcohol but function normaly .

A functioning alcoholic is also likely to think they're fine to drive way over the limit (A McPartlin), will have poor judgement in assessing risk and delayed reaction times.

I've been sober over eight years and even when I was drinking heavily would never have got in a car with someone that had any alcohol, let alone allow a child to do so. If he can put away a couple of bottles of wine and still function, he's probably drinking a lot more than that out of sight.

Your XH cannot, with the best will in the world, supervise a two year old and an alcoholic at the same time.