AIBU, sad, pathetic and emotionally needy to be sad about dh with ptsd working out instead of cuddling me?

[ConfusedWife1234]

So, I am actually waiting for my dh who is currently working out, we have a home gym. He actually was diagnosed with ptsd, he does that to relax and it is good for him, but I am very sad he is not there yet. Want to go to sleep next to him. Yesterday and the day before it was the same.

Is not where yet?

I appreciate you might be feeling glum on Sunday night, but it is unreasonable to want your husband to not engage in an activity which is proven to help his health issue because you want him on the sofa.

Do you not share a bed at the moment?

Exercise really really helps me with my PTSD. I was really struggling with it the other day so went to a spinning class at the gym and felt so much better. For me it’s better that the alternative of being on heavy meds.

Could you work out with him? DP comes to the gym with me sometimes which I like. Would love a home gym though!

I understand OP - living with someone who has mental health problems is exhausting and lonely at times. I get that you want to sit with him and be next to him but you will have to give him time. My DH has depression for a good year about three years ago, he too went to the gym a lot and became emotionally unavailable. I was alone a lot in the evenings but then I used it as an excuse to start something myself and began running of an evening. He ‘came back’ to me in the end and things are much better now. Be kind to him, but also be kind to yourself and start concentrating on being responsible for your own happiness. When he’s better he will be a beautiful addition to your life and not the centre of it. Sending you much love

Llanali Is not here next to me yet but working out.

CircumstanceYes, we do share a bed but I do not know when he will come to sleep because he has a very odd sleep pattern... but then of course it probably makes no sense for him to be in bed and be wide awake.

Do you get some time together at other times? Are you missing emotional connection in general, or is this just you'd like more? If he then leaps into bed without a cuddle or speaking too much, I can see this would be pretty lonely. If he still makes time for you but works out a lot I think that's reasonable, as it's therapeutic. Surely it's a matter of degree.

Have you spoken to him about this? It's normal and understandable to feel disappointed that a partner would "prefer" solitary activity to comfort from you, but it's not an either/or situation, and it's really not a rejection of you. There's not much worse than lying in somebody's arms and knowing that this should soothe you and make the world seem right, but still having a million thoughts and anxieties racing through you. It might help you to hear him explain what the exercise does for him, and also help him to understand that, even though he is unwell, you still need some reassurance and an opportunity to be "let in" to what's going on inside him.

I run when I feel emotionally adrift or unsettled. The combination of being alone, having something to focus on, and being able to use the time to examine my thoughts helps me to get emotional clarity. I know it's upset partners in the past, who see my choosing to pound pavements instead of looking for a hug as a rejection of them, but it really isn't.

winter Sometimes he only comes to bed when I am already asleep, I always wait for him to come so we can at least have a short snack together in the evening... but I have to get up early next morning so I cannot do it today... or at least it would not be wise.

Never Actually I could work out with him, but today I am much to tired. BTW why not have your own home gym if you would love to have one, if you have a spare room....

Comtesse No, because it is good for him, plus he has a thing about his weight. He was very unhappy with it though he was never really fat, then lost some weight and he is still a bit pudgy and unhappy with it... but he is very happy he lost some weight and I guess it made him feel like he is in control of his life cause he used to feel pretty fat and unfit. I mean it was never that bad, he always worked out but now he also changed his diet.
And when he talked about himself in the past he was just so unhappy with his body and now I think he is feeling better about himself.

Any chance he could 'tuck you in' when you go to bed and then go and work out? DH and I do this sometimes when he's on nights. I agree there's something emotionally recharging about going to bed together (sex aside). We have a cuddle for 10 mins or so and a goodnight kiss, not every time, but fairly often. It helps us feel connected instead of like ships passing in the night.

It sounds by like great idea, rains

Comtesse I think i got you wrong. In understood you asked if i had told him that i disliked it, but you asked if I asked him why he likes it.
Yes, we discussed it. Exercise has a positive effect on his wellbeing like medication but without the side effects and he likes the idea of being fit (or should I say hates the idea of being not fit), plus I think he does not want his buddies who are very fit to make fun of him.

I have PTSD and have to keep my mind occupied all the time - so sometimes cuddling is not good for me at all, because it leaves a big empty space in my brain that's going to be filled with horrible thoughts.

Also the PTSD makes me massively sensitive to sensory overload - noise drives me crazy, and sometimes I can't stand being touched, even in a cuddle. That's often when exercise helps most.

I'd suggest you find something you enjoy doing to occupy your time, or go and work out with him.

It is only because he often works away from home and is not at home then for weeks... so I am already seeing very little of him... so it Ankes me sad when he is in the house but working out.

I really feel for you, OP. Cuddling is such a primal thing, and v hard to be denied, especially if you are emotionally bolstering a partner with MH issues. Relationships are a 2-way street. The supporting spouse is not a bottomless pit to be sucked dry. Your DP sounds like he is highly functioning, which is great, and perhaps part of the reason is that he's able to work out and do things that keep his head straight. Obvs your making compromises so ensure he gets the space he needs. What is he doing to support you?

@Pollaidh what do you do to emotionally support your partner if cuddling is off the table?

@Raines I think dh would answer that he does a lot to support me, like he works very hard, so we can live in a beautiful house, hire a childminder and a cleaner, when he is away he often brings presents from the place he went to.
So when I say I would like us to do fun things together, he is like But I am working very hard for your and our kids, don‘t you see that? Other women would be happy to have what you have. and he might be right. So I am not sure if I am just expecting to much.

He talks a lot of things that do not go well in his life, like Oh, I still feel pudgy or how he is unhappy with his job, but often does not ask how I am feeling and does not make the effort to be more cheerful around us, but when one of his buddies calls he acts cheerful.

@ConfusedWife1234 it sounds like he is doing an amazing job at supporting himself, you, and his family financially, which is great.

What is he doing to support your emotional wellbeing? Marriages need affection and intimacy- love- to be emotionally fulfilling. If he lost his job tomorrow and couldn't provide financially anymore, what then? It's the love that remains when all else is taken away. That's what you stay for. It's worth nurturing. It's worth you speaking up if you're feeling lonely.

Tbh, I don't see how your partner coming to you for a hug is a bad thing anyway, unless he finds it triggering like the pp. It's nice to be wanted, isn't it?

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and BIL has combat related PTSD. It is bloody hard for DP and SIL, and we try our best to recognise that. For me, sleeping is the hardest, because it’s when I have the worst flashbacks/locked in nightmares. So I stay up to avoid disturbing DP. Cuddles are something I have to remind myself to do, because every scrap of energy I possess on a bad day is taken up with functioning on a basic level, so I need to remind myself to show affection or be cuddly.
I understand that it’s hard for you, and I hope your DP does too.

It's not that the cuddling is triggering specifically - my PTSD is not related to abuse or anything like that - it's that people with PTSD often get completely over whelmed by noise, touch, sensations basically. It's similar to the sensory overload autistic people can get. It's like everything's coming at you, and you can't bear one added sensation. You risk lashing out verbally or physically. I think I turn to CV exercise when I'm getting towards that state, it helps get rid of a sort of nervous tension. Other times I love a hug, but DH knows to read me first.

The other thing I do to chill is I've rediscovered writing fiction. It gets me in the right zone, almost drugged. Playing music works sometimes but not if I've reached the kind of state described above.

Sleeping is tricky too - I have to 'trick' myself to sleep by reading until I can't keep my eyes open, as I can't lie there and try to fall asleep, as that just means all the thoughts, flashbacks etc crowd in. I still, despite a lot of treatment, sleep better during the day, than during the night. It feels safer. My night-time reading drives DH mad.

I hope your DP is having proper, decent PTSD treatment like EMDR? If he's had PTSD a long time, look into it again as 10+ years ago EMDR wasn't typically used, tended to be more CBT which seems to help get a level of functioning back, but not as well as EMDR, which is now a NICE-recommended treatment.

You also need emotional support, try counselling maybe, or calling one of the PTSD helplines.

@Raines I think I do not discuss this so open with him so much because I do not want to hurt his feelings. I think he is a good guy and while he is a tough guy to the world outside I think he is gentle inside and easily hurt though he does not show. I did try but I think he did not understand and was hurt and thought I criticize him as a person and not the behaviour and he is always like But don‘t you see the life I gave you? Don‘t you see how hard I work so our kids and you can have that kind of lifestyle and he makes it sound like nothing is ever good enough for me... and after a discussion like that I always feel like I achieved nothing but only hurt his feelings so I do not discuss it very much.

He has no trouble with hugging, he has got combat ptsd and it is none of his triggers but I do think with relaxing because he feels vulnerable then... though he would hate me using the word vulnerable for how he feels but that is how he feels.
Did your do tell you to stay up so you do not disturb him with your nightmares? My dh has nightmares and sometimes they wake me up but it is okay for me. I would never demand him to deprive himself of sleep.

@KT63 Thanks for sharing.

@Pollaidh Dh did CBT and sort of a yoga class for people like him, he also does progressive muscle relaxation (mostly self taught with the help of a book and audio)... oh, and he does work out a lot, jogs, swims.

I joined a support group for spouses but to be honest while it is sometimes very helpful it also confuses me a lot because their dhs are very different than mine. Typically they have a lot of anger issues and mine does not and that sometimes leaves me questioning if dh really has ptsd.

It sounds like he could use some more treatment then. Have a look into EMDR.

Not everyone has anger issues with PTSD. I'd say I'm a bit easy trigger on the snappiness, especially if there's a lot of noise that's overwhelming me.