Splitting the bill

[Hafa9141]

AIBU in getting pee'd off when me and BF (young couple on just below medium incomes) go out with my family (quite far above average pay-band) and they want to split the bill?
We recently went for a family meal, me and BF's meal came to about £21 (it wasn't a very good restaurant) we had a diet coke each and a main each.
Meanwhile, a couple of other people had wine, pints, G&T's an extra course, 2 people ordered dessert etc.
Then the bill comes and my Dad goes "shall we just split the bill 4 ways and say £35 per couple"
Ended up arguing as this happens nearly every time we go out and me and BF aren't flush and also trying to save for a holiday so we very rarely eat out and was told I'm being ridiculous!!?
Would this wind anybody else up or am I crazy?

No not ridiculous. Why should you subsidise their gin and extra course. Next time though tell them upfront that you are on a budget and will just be paying for your own meals.

Pretty tactless of your Dad. Maybe you should be equally blunt and say no, we'd like to pay for what we had but will split the tip. Otherwise you are massively subsidising their meal.
Or, if they have form for this, brace yourself for the bill but have wine and desserts too

Definitely not unreasonable
I hate it when someone who has had 3 courses, wine and a liqueur coffee chirrups to 'just split the bill. I am not a big eater so will just have a main and a soft drink.

Of course you're not unreasonable. It's really quite mean that a young couple who've eaten the bare minimum are contributing to others' alcohol and desserts etc. I'm surprised your parents wouldn't treat YOU for the sake of £21.

YANBU.

I hate this too. Why should you subsidise everyone else's drinks?

I thought that you were going to say that the rest of the family had children in which case it would be very unreasonable to split per couple. However, as you are all adults it doesn't seem so unreasonable as your dad perhaps didn't notice that you and your BF ate/drank less. I would just say that you don't want to split. I can't see the issue with being blunt considering that you are all family.

Oh I was blunt in the end but its not something you want to do in a busy restaurant 😂
Thanks for reassuring me, they all looked at me like I was mad!

You aren't mad. Most people would feel like you did if they were on a budget and had eaten/drunk less than everyone else.

Not mad at all. I'm also one half of a young couple on low income, our friends are all on low incomes and some of them do not drink, and both families are on good incomes. When I go out with my friends we pay for what we had, when we go out with family they will pay and we will buy a round of drinks.

Most of my family definitely don't understand "budget". Something we will always have to put up with, but they know not to push me once I've made a decision.

What a shame your Dad didn’t pay for your meal. Is it thoughtlessness? Of course, no one likes saying they are skint, but if your money is limited, you don’t want that to be an issue and to take the shine off a rare meal out.

YANBU - it's often difficult to discuss incomes and bill splitting, but if you can't do it with family who know your circumstances, then when can you do it.
If there is a next time - tbh knowing the circumstances I'd recommend that you never actually go out for a meal with them again - then at the start of the meal when ordering say to your family that as you're on a tight budget you'll be paying for what you have, and when the bill comes put that amount down on the table ( plus tip ).

I have learnt even with family - state upfront always what is going to happen and make it clear that those drinking are paying for their own alcohol (fucking hate pisstakers who really do get pissed at everyone else's expense)

YANBU this really annoys me.

I went out with friends for a meal once, friend 1 had a salad and a tap water as she was job seeking, friend 2 and husband had 3 courses and wine. Guess who asked to split the bill?

CFers!!

As a general rule, I'd say you take the alcohol off (everyone pays for their own or split between the drinkers) and everyone splits the rest of the bill to pay for their food. I always get really cross when people resent paying an extra 50p because Mum had a pudding and they didn't. Really?! That's not budgeting, that's just tight. Not the same if they have a three course banquet and you just have a starter of course. I think it's incredibly rude and bad mannered when people get calculators out, especially with family.

I am a bit on the fence on this.
I think it's cheeky to order several courses and expensive drinks but ask to split the cost in the end when you know (or were reminded) that other people only had mains + water. they shouldn't look at you as if you were mad, it's reasonable to expect them to contribute more towards the bill. when i go out with friends that don't drink/don't order starters I ask them to pay their exact share, then split the rest of the bill with everyone else who ordered roughly the same as me.

on the other hand i work with some young people who expect to be treated by mum and dad all the time and never ever return the favour because they're "young and broke" or on "low income" even though they're having posh lattes every morning/overpriced city brunches with mates and will knock on dad's door if they can't make the zone 2 rent that month. (not saying this is the case with OP, of course, but I feel that in this country adult children often feel way too entitled)

I like to treat my old folks when i can, since they paid for my education, dedicated their younger years to look after me and helped me to buy my house, but I do not extend the privilege to other family members.

my dad would never let me pay - and I am 43.

YANBU my brother and partner used to order the most expensive things on the menu, always three courses, double spirits and so on, we were saving to move and I was watching what I was eating, so would stick to a non alcoholic drink and main. In the end I just said no offence but your meal comes to more than double ours, and we can't afford it, next time you all go out for dinner we'll have to pass. He was embarrassed as I think he really hadn't thought about it, they were both in good jobs but living at home still. Now they have a DC and a huge mortgage , their habits have changed! After that one blunt conversation though it never happened again.