To feel I’ve lost my own identity and struggling so much to get it back?

[vanillascool]

I have never found weight an easy issue - mostly because my mum was naturally very slim and also rather beautiful, back in her ‘day’, and she was quite disappointed I didn’t look like her and made a huge fuss about it.

Unfortunately the above did mean that while I’ve never had an eating disorder I have also never really eaten ‘normally.’ I have flirted with some quite stupid things in the past to maintain my weight (laxatives and vomiting and periods of starving myself) but I don’t do any of that now.

Over the last twelve months or so my weight has got out of control. I feel huge and ugly. I avoid cameras where possible but I had some pictures taken yesterday and I am mortified - I veer between not wanting to look at them as I’m huge and forcing myself to in order to kick me up the bum.

I don’t want to go out because I feel self conscious. I don’t know what to wear. Dresse cling, trousers dig in, I’m looking for something that hides that I’m fat and it doesn’t exist. This compromises on my social life. I am actually a member of the gym but there are so many mirrors it stresses me out and I inevitably see someone I know there (really should have joined a different gym!) and so I hardly ever go as I get stressed at being seen red and fat and sweaty.

I know the actual mechanics of what I need to do but I am in this awful binge eating cycle and promising myself I will change tomorrow but tomorrow literally never comes! I just want to feel like myself not just this mass of fat.

CBT type work can help in these situations, your eating is linked to your emotional responses and thought patterns, it's not just that you like chocolate a bit too much. There's online stuff available and books if you can't afford therapy, although the relationship with your mother and your self esteem could probably do with exploration in talking therapy if possible.

Don’t look at yourself through your mother’s eyes - in this respect at least she was not a good parent to you. Think of someone else who is a caring and compassionate voice - imagine them gently and firmly saying ‘you know what you need to do, now go and start caring for yourself like you should - value yourself with regular meals, moving that lovely body of yours and seeing your friends - you’re not here to be an ornament, your weight is not what you will be defined on, get back to living your life.’

What are your other roles and interests? Make a list of a pie chart of them (leave out weight related issues). Which areas do you want to grow or develop? Which would you rather do less of? What are you passionate about? This is identity. Take care - do something nice for yourself today, for me.

Thank you. I don’t think I really do see myself through my mothers eyes - I just mentioned that because I’m aware that this is how it all started but a very long time ago now but just the same I feel really ugly which I know is a strong word.

I like all sorts of things but I don’t like doing any of them when I’m this size as I feel self conscious. This time two years ago I was happily climbing trees with children and now I couldn’t. That’s what really upsets me and ironically leads me back to food.

I know some of the slimming clubs are easy to take the piss out of, but they do provide a kind of camaraderie with people who are going through the same thing. They can offer that weekly weigh in discipline and a lot of support.

I know some of the slimming clubs are easy to take the piss out of, but they do provide a kind of camaraderie with people who are going through the same thing. They can offer that weekly weigh in discipline and a lot of support.

CBT OP can't say it enough

Are you actually overweight or do you just see yourself that way because of how slim your mother was?

I am quite overweight, yes and it’s honestly nothing to do with my mothers size ... it’s just she made me very self conscious about eating anything so I started binge eating rubbish in secret. And I know that’s how it started - sorry for not making much sense!

And I'm sorry but if you've abused laxatives, have vomitted, starved, and are now bingeing - then you have had, and currently have, an eating disorder.

I don’t think I do but I would accept disordered eating possibly. Either way my size is making me miserable and I’m too conscious of it to really let loose and enjoy life.

There is a website called "eat like a normal person" or very similar that might help?

Thanks ... that might be helpful when I’ve lost weight! Sorry, I’m rambling. I just feel really upset.

No dont wait until you've lost weight - give it a read now - it will help you lose weight.
As you are someone who has had disordered eating I will strongly STRONGLY recommend against fasting type diets, or very low calorie diets. I speak from personal experience.

www.eatlikeanormalperson.com/