To feel so troubled by this

[Idontkno]

Hi, first time posting here. (Well, I posted this in mental health a few days back but didn’t get a response so trying again here - still getting the hang of it.) Just looking to see if anyone has had similar experiences and if so, how they deal with it. I’ll try to keep it as short as I can:

I’ve been thinking a lot about something that happened many years ago when I was 12. It was the gala day in the village I grew up in and I was given a large quantity of vodka by an older friend. I remember drinking it with her behind a building about 11am. I then remember crossing the street with her and realising I could barely walk. We went to some public toilets because other friends were drinking there (lovely). This is where I start to lose my memory. I do remember two boys being there: both older than me. I’d kissed one of them before. I know I kissed him again that morning. I also keep getting flashes of a silver door which makes me think that I must have been inside one of the cubicles at one point.

My mum’s friend came in to use the toilets and found me slumped on the floor. I don’t know if anyone was with me at that point. The story is that she got someone to help her carry me down the street to my house. My tshirt and bra were over my head.

I woke up on my mum’s bedroom floor covered in vomit about 2pm. She put me in the shower and I had scrapes all down my back.

I am really struggling to deal with not knowing what happened in that lost time. If my top and bra were up, I can assume at the very least someone touched my upper body.

I am already in counselling for sexual violence that happened later in life, and have told this story to my therapist. There’s just not much we can do when the memory isn’t there.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you come to terms with the fact that you’ll probably never know? I didn’t really think about this for years, until I started counselling last year really. But it’s on my mind a lot now and I am finding it difficult. Do you think this is unreasonable considering there’s not much that can be done?

Wow I’m so sorry this happened to you. I have no experience but hopefully someone will come along with some. I think the counseling is really good, I think it’s a good thing you’re deciding to talk about it. It’s a start to getting past it.

Thank you so much for your responses. I’m sorry you’ve had experience with this too Kitty. I have thought about trying to speak to my mum’s friend but it was a very long time ago. More importantly, she still works with my mum and sees her every day and I wouldn’t trust her not to say anything to my mum even if I asked her not to. I have a very difficult relationship with my mum, she’s a narcissist. If she thought I was asking questions about this she’d have a field day with it and I feel too fragile for that atm. But yes perhaps working towards accepting it’s something I might never know in therapy is the answer.