To just want him to grow up!

[ReiofHope]

So my boyfriend and I have recently found out that we're expecting (I'm 8 weeks) and his initial reaction really hurt me; he basically said it would ruin our lives bla bla. It is true we didn't expect it to happen when it did but I'm 29 and he's 33 and we've already discussed both wanting children.
It is true that it's not "a good time" as I left teaching and don't know what I want to do and haven't had a proper job in over two years (just a lot of temp stuff) and we did separate for almost three months just last year but we are back together and things werelooking up before we found out.
The problem is he's acting like a teenager. Since he found out he's been mostly shutting himself up in his man cave and what's worse is he's been smoking weed! He quit smoking cigarettes almost three years ago when we got together and as far as I know hadn't done any recreational drugs since long before we met.
Am I being totally unreasonable to just expect him to grow the hell up?! He had a sort of last hurrah over the Easter weekend and I accepted that but then once what he had bought was gone, which lasted over a week!! He went out and bought more! He came home from work on a Tuesday night, went into his man cave and smoked weed on his own. The smell has always bothered me but now it's a million times worse as I have super smell because of the pregnancy.
Does he need more time?
Will he actually grow up before the baby comes?

I just don't get it. I had literally put down a deposit on a flat to move out before Christmas and before we gave it another shot, I'm worried that by this time next year I'll be a single mum with a 5/6 month old.
Opinions, advice etc would be very welcome

Assuming you want to keep this baby, I’d be looking at my options of a life without him. He doesn’t sound reliable. Would he marry you? There’s a thread running at the moment about how not being married gives you zero protection.

Seriously he needs to talk to you!

He's ruining relationship by being shut away far more than a baby will.

He may come round, but that's not really what you want is it? You want him to be as happy and as excited as you are and discuss plans for the future.

I'd plan on being a single parent and then and if he grows up treat it as a bonus.

Can you escape for a few weeks to see if he notices? Is bothered?

He has said in the past that he wants to marry me and wants me to be the mother of his children.
He seems to think we can't get married and have a baby at about the same time or that we'll be able to get married after the baby is born. I don't want a big wedding, I hate attention. But his whole attitude is scaring me at the moment.
I guess I will have to mentally prepeare myself to be a single parent and see if he pulls himself together.

He sounds like he's been knocked sideways and is retreating into his mancave to hide from reality and pretend he's still young and carefree. He's terrified. But he can't stick his head in the sand forever and needs to talk, ideally with you but it could be with a friend, parent, sibling or counsellor.

Pregnancy aside, why were you going to leave and what made me you give the relationship another shot?

It is tough having children with a stable relationship. If your partner is behaving like this before having a baby I would be concerned for you & the baby& your future.

When he is over the initial 'shock' of the news it is important for you to sit & discuss the future with or without a baby.

It is never the right time to have a baby however there are better people to be with when you have one. Only you can tell if this applies to your partner.

Good luck 💐

Hi there. Congratulations that is wonderful news.
I'm very sorry to be boring and cynical but you do need to protect your interests and your child's. Whatever your views on marriage you only have to read Mumsnet to find women who find themselves unmarried, with children, in a rocky relationship, with no rights to money & or property.
I realise it doesn't sound romantic!
You cannot force your DP to be happy but you can sit him down and ask him to take steps so that you don't end up in that situation.
He's 33. He knows sex can lead to babies. He is equally as responsible for this child as you are.

I have to say I think a lot of people would be annoyed with a partner who planned a family when they had no long term source of income.

Yes the weed smoking is unacceptable. But I think you need to look at your options here. Presumably as you’ve been temping you will have no source of income except for basic maternity allowance. So if you go ahead with the pregnancy your choice is going to be him supporting you or relying on benefits. Benefits is not a comfortable or easy option at the moment.

I think you need to have a long hard think about how you’re going to manage this.

To be completely honest, in your place I would be ending the relationship. This really does not bode well