...to husband to read the parenting books?

[SK166]

Hello all -

Please forgive the lengthy post! I'm 29 weeks with our first baby, and have been working part-time since January because I haven't had any luck with finding another freelance contract to squeeze in before baby arrives.

Husband runs his own business, works night shifts at least 3 nights a week and does trades work during the days the rest of the week. He lost a big contract recently and with my imminent loss of income also approaching (I only get statutory MAT pay) he is working his guts out to try to stabilise our finances – generally he ends up doing 12 hours a day, 6 or 7 days a week.

He's hugely excited about having our daughter and I have absolute faith that he will be the best dad in the world. He's the hardest working person I know and will absolutely do all of the grunt work of parenting with me - night wakes, dirty nappies...the whole shebang.

Neither of us has ever really wanted to fall into the typical gendered family roles with me housekeeping and looking after the kids full time - in fact he's said that he'd much rather be the stay at home parent - but given that he has much higher earning potential than me, we've both come to accept that that's how it has to be for a while, so I'm just trying to crack on and focus on all the baby prep and domestic shiz while he exhausts himself working.

My question is...with all that in mind, how much is it reasonable of me to ask of him in terms of participating in the baby prep?
We start antenatal classes soon and he's (slightly reluctantly!) rearranged his work to make sure he can attend, but his attitude towards any other reading/research is pretty much 'it'll be fine - we'll figure it out', or ‘can you just read it and then tell me?’

In some ways, I do actually trust him when he says it’ll be fine because he's an absolute trooper and so dedicated to us, but I'm worried that he's severely underestimating just how bloody hard it's going to be and maybe if he read a parenting book focussing on newborns he might find himself better prepared on the very basics?

I don't want to end up in the situation where I've just given birth, am a total wreck, am trying to figure out the parenting thing for myself and am then having to simultaneously walk him through it all while I'm barely holding it together.
But on the flip side, I see just how exhausted and overwrought he is from trying to get our lives in order and take care of me, bump and puppy (he also does a fair share of housework alongside his jobs) and it feels almost cruel to ask yet more of him right now.

We did get a puppy just after I got pregnant, and it was a similar situation. I did all of the research, reading, prep, buying stuff and then had to talk him through everything when we actually got the puppy...but then he did, after my instruction, commit hours and hours to training, walking, middle-of-the-night trips outside in the snow for toilet training etc etc and probably spends more time on average now with pup than I do.

Sorry for absurdly long post, but he’s never been around newborns and I’m worried for him that he’ll be underprepared for what’s going to hit us and I just genuinely don't know whether it's fair to push the issue or whether to count myself lucky for everything he does and accept that if he ends up blindsided by how hard it all is, I need to step up and support him until we get the hang of it. Thoughts?

The only book I read with mine was Three in a Bed, the co sleeping book, and that was to make sure we had the safety aspect right.
I really wouldn’t worry about the parenting books, it’s all about basics with babies, in one end out the other, keep them warm and love them. It’s simple, but not easy.

I feel like a lot of these posts are missing the point - is this really about reading the books (and the utility or lack thereof), as everyone has focused on? Or is this about a very understandable fear from OP - greatly exacerbated by their work situations - that her DH isn't going to be as equal a parent as he promises now? I can completely see why this is bothering you as a sign of whether or not he's going to follow-through, and I think the whole issue of how you're going to approach shared parenting might need more discussion, even if you drop the specific issue of the books!

Thanks everyone - you're very reassuring!

@Happyandshiney - that's good advice and definitely something I'll bear in mind. Although luckily DH is no shrinking violet and is more than likely to tell me to butt out if I interfere when he hasn't asked me to!

You're all right and I'm obviously just not giving him enough credit. He's enormously smart and loving, and just because he's never changed a nappy/made up a bottle/heard the blood-curdling screams of a colicky infant, doesn't mean he won't take it all in his stride.

I loved kids, had loads of baby experience and read loads of books. I was a mess when they arrived, so much advice and none of it worked. Husband read nothing and was a natural - possibly because he had no preconceptions about what he ‘should’ do, he just DID. Books mean nothing, better for your partner to be himself (he sounds calm and chilled) and make the most of his free time before the (wonderful) madness commences. His attitude now may well be the saving of you when baby arrives.

@LisaSimpsonsbff - that is more what I was trying to get at. Not even a worry that he won't follow-through, more that the whole experience will overwhelm him because he has just never been around babies to know anything at all about the types of things to expect, even from an 'easy' baby.

And if, for example, things go wrong for me and I've got a tricky recovery to face (c-section, blood loss...whatever), and he has to look after all of us, that would be really really bloody hard on him. He's not really engaging with any of those possibilities at the moment, understandably.

But, as I said above, maybe I'm just not giving him enough credit. And we have family/friends around who would swoop in and help us all in that situation so I'm probably overthinking it.

My partner read a Dad book about babies that he got most of his info from (I think it was called commando Dad). Maybe give him something funny like this or Man vs Baby? Tbh, I did quite a bit of reading about the birth and hardly anything about looking after the actual baby. We got shown how to wash her etc in nct/ hospital anyway

The only book I’d recommend is a really good one on breastfeeding if you plan to breastfeed because that wisdom used to passed on by older women and often isn’t now. All the ones about routines and shit, don’t bother!

The books were brilliant - when I threw them out, covered with dust, as ds hit 6 months, I felt really positive and like we'd hit a milestone. Most of them are so average in their advice that they are totally useless, though they can be entertaining, especially in hindsight. I would still say Toddler Taming is really useful though it's probably so old that it's now banned I also like the Ferber sleep book because of the charts showing amounts of sleep at any age but he is the controlled crying guru so much hated

There is the odd nugget of good advice in most baby books but it is very difficult to say what the right bits will be for your baby.

I think the fact that your dh is actually saying 'read it and tell me' is not a bad idea. But most of it is just learning together tbh.

Oh I didn't read any books and I survived. I think they just would have just stressed me out. A lot if it is instinctive with newborns and nooks are often just one person's opinion. I'm sure he'll be great, have faith in him.

Oh and about the muslin thing. I was given some before my first baby and honestly thought it was a bit of a rubbish present and didn't know what I would use them for. When baby arrived I realised how useful they were and now often buy them for other new mums now!

We didn't go to any classes or read baby books beyond What to Expect When You're Expecting and we managed without any problems.

Feed them when they're hungry.
Change them when they're wet.
Burp them.
Let them sleep.
Make sure they're the right temperature.

There's nothing much else a book can tell you.

Reading up about breastfeeding I found really helpful, to know what is normal getting started and what you need help for. Lots of people don't find it obvious. The kellymom website is great for breastfeeding advice and info. My hospital had a Saturday morning breastfeeding workshop for mums and dads. Also helpful to research your local breastfeeding support services/ drop ins.

I also read up on safer co sleeping guidelines. Although I was adamant I wasn't going to co sleep, so many parents fall asleep by accident with baby, and accidentally co sleeping is much more dangerous that I wanted to know the key advice. Anyway I was co-sleeping from day 4 till 2 years old, so much for plans . But when baby wouldn't sleep off me at 4am on day 4 I was glad to know how to safely sleep together.

The other thing I found useful was getting in touch with old friends who had babies already and joining some Facebook groups about parenting and breastfeeding. You want to be able to send a message when you can't get baby to sleep and have someone reply, partly for empathy partly for advice.

Books I found interesting, but lots of them I found too prescriptive when all babies are different. The best advice I'd give is get to know your own baby, rather than trying to shoehorn then into the book advice.

My DH didn't do any reading. He came to antenatal classes which was helpful. I would have liked him to come to the breastfeeding workshop but he was working, and then it annoyed me when he was giving me incorrect advice about breastfeeding when my milk supply was building up and I was feeling fragile. I sat him down and told him the important safety info I'd read. I took the lead on baby research which felt fair as I had more time (I went part time towards end of pregnancy).

@HopelesslydevotedtoGu - that's good advice, thank you. I'm planning to give BF shot so will do some reading and also see how much our antenatal course covers in that respect.

Like you, I don't plan to co-sleep at all, but I can see how that assertion could potentially go out of the window! Sensible to know in advance how to be safe so will definitely look into it.

And yes, I think you're right that given I'm part-time it is only fair that I take on the research etc. Maybe his request for me to just summarise my findings for him is the simplest thing to do.

I didn't read any books before having a baby. You will need common sense, support for each other and do what works for you. Don't be too hard on him and yourself.

Just to add that several baby instruction books give completely incorrect information about breastfeeding - baby whisperer, I'm looking at you - so I'd get any breastfeeding advice from specific breastfeeding resources like the kellymom website. The la leche book "the womanly art of breastfeeding" is good, despite the hideous title.
Useful to know what your local breastfeeding support services are - I was having difficulty in the first week and knew which number to call in tears and the nhs adviser happened to be in my area and popped round half an hour later - amazing!

I quite liked "your baby week by week" which tells you how many nappies, feeds and sleeps to approximately expect each week. Obviously individual babies vary a lot, but it gives you an idea. The book was a complete eye opener when I was pregnant and it made me scale back some of my over-ambitious plans for early mat leave! The book goes a bit nuts after six months when it gets very heavily into leaving your baby to cry itself to sleep, but up until then it was helpful.

A good ergonomic sling is really helpful as to many babies it helps them feel safe and calm, probably mimicking the womb environment. If you have a sling library nearby it's useful to try and buy a decent sling there.

IMO one the most useful things a Dad can do in the early weeks is ensure the mum gets enough rest. So long as he quickly passes through any 'new-dad-shock' and achieves 'new-dad-bliss' you'll have nothing to worry about. He'll move mountains.

Sleep deprivation and oxytocin are a heady mix, and you'll both be flooded with it. Best of luck!

@MadBadDaddy - that's true, and he's definitely a mountain-mover by nature! We actually went to our first antenatal class the other evening and at the end we were all asked to give a small comment on what we were taking away from the session and he said 'I think I've realised I need to do some reading so I know how to best to support her because she's the important one'...bless his soul. I almost wept!

@HopelesslydevotedtoGu - that's hugely helpful - thank you. Will look up those resources. I'm quite intimidated by the whole breastfeeding thing tbh so I know I definitely need to make sure I've got info and numbers to hand for when it gets tough.
We've just got a sling actually - a colleague recommended the K'tan so I bought a second hand one and we'll give that a go. We've also got an Ergo baby 360 for later/being out and about.

Oooff this baby lark is hard work! And she's not even here yet!

Our ante-natal lady told us that men's bodies give them a squirt of oestrogen to encourage a nesting instinct and stop them running away the first time things get smelly or noisy. Nurture it!