to expect more from my in-laws?

[bippityboppityboop]

I have no family, we are estranged as I put myself into care in my teens. I've been with DH for 9 years and we have 3 children 5 and under. I'm a SAHM but studying an Access Course on which I get no let up, it's just assignment after assignment.

My in-laws live in the same town as us about 5 minutes away by car, one is retired and the other works in schools.

We hardly see them and I've started to resent them really badly, on behalf of my children I guess. I don't have any family like I said and so they are the only family my children have which is why it makes me so cross. Obviously as my MiL works in schools she gets the holidays off and we barely see her, then she sends pictures to the family Whatsapp of where they've been- usually places that are perfect for children or sometimes down right actually aimed AT children (like a farm!).

The most stupid (and unreasonable) thing is that I've started to reject their occasional offers of help now because I'm so pissed off. I feel like they are trophy grandparents and are only interested in taking them out to either ease their conscience because they can sense I/my husband are pissed off, or so they can parade them about to their friends and look like the perfect grandparents when really they hardly know them.

There was a time when they'd see them every week on a Sunday because my husband got into a habit of taking them, but he got fed up of them expecting him to go and not making an effort otherwise so he stopped, which was his choice.

AIBU to expect more of them? And how do I fix my resentment towards them? I've tried to wipe the slate clean as such lots of times but it just builds back up again. Especially when I see children around my town all the time with their grandparents.

I get that they have lives to lead but FIL is retired and yet it's radio silence week in week out unless one of the children is ill and he will help with the school run, but now we have a car I imagine that won't happen either.

Have you thought that maybe they think you don't want them around. Why not ask them to take the dgc out with them and see what happens. Pil gat slated all the time for interfering; maybe they are trying not to annoy you.

As a mil (with a now exdil sadly) I took my cues from her regarding how involved she wanted me to be with dgs.
Maybe because you didn't visit with your dh she assumes you aren't fused about having a relationship with her - and asking to have the dc would be an intrusion on your time with them. Have you actually spoken to them? - childcare /helping out is a different dynamic to wanting to spend time with dc. Maybe she feels she can't invite them due to lack of your relationship with her not hers with them

A few years ago we had a big argument because she came to my house to collect something and asked me when my husband was having a vasectomy and if the NHS wouldn't give him one they would pay for it, whilst I was pregnant with DS (no.3). In this big argument lots of things came up, one of them was how I felt sad for my children when I see other people with their grandchildren. I also said how we'd both been disappointed with them and felt they were uninterested in the children.

Her response was to bring up an incident that happened in 2011, when she invited me for lunch and I accepted, then cancelled the day before because my MH was really bad (though she didn't know this) and I couldn't face going out. I told her my MH was bad and that I couldn't believe she had held ONE LUNCH against me for 4 years.

Anyway after this it didn't end too badly and she left and we sort of carried on as normal agreeing to put the past behind us. Nothing changed. No interest in the children still.

So when they offer to have your kids you refuse but you are complaining they don't help out with the kids.

Your dh stopped visiting them with the kids but you are complaining they dont see them

Perhaps read your post back!

Seen your latest post - they are interested. By your own admission you don't let the kids go!

It is always a guilt offer thrown in at the end of a half-term holiday, not because they are invested in our children. It has been clear MiL feels guilty about it because she went through a period of constantly texting either one of us to say sorry why she couldn't see the children or couldn't help out until we told her to stop. The excuses were worse than the actually not seeing them, such as I have to stay in to keep an eye on my 18 year old who is revising. Lol!

The not visiting was my husbands choice btw, he can still go if he wants to and he does pop around every now and then.

I tend to stay at home and do my work or the housework at those times.

You need to accept the offers (regardless of why you think they've been made) and let them get in to the habit of being together. Don't analyse why they issued an invite. Just let them build whatever relationship they can - it may build from there. It may not of course.

Some grandparents might feel overwhelmed at the idea of taking out 3 children so maybe one at a time?

I sympathise but my Dad can't help us and my inlaws are elderly and have never been in a position to help in that way. It is what it is.

You're right I should. When they offer it is usually only the older two and not the 2 year old. They say it is because they don't have enough room in their car for 3, which is true, but we have a beautiful park and library in walking distance. I guess maybe they feel at their age they'd be unable to cope with a 2 year old in a pram and two walking children.

If I'm honest, there are some of my own issues at play too. MiL, quite understandably I guess, always wants to create a front of niceties and perfect family stuff. Growing up I just had my dad until I was 9 then I had my dad and my grandad. This stuff is completely alien to me and makes me feel really uncomfortable and angry. I don't understand why though, what exactly it is that grates on me about it. I kind of just want to scream sometimes at the fakeness of it all and feeling like I have to put on an act and smile even if I'm not happy!

This is exacerbated by things like not being allowed to tell her parents certain things incase we upset them, such as when DH was made redundant. I get that she doesn't want to worry them but it always feels like everything is a pretence. She often goes on about how she doesn't tell US things too so she doesn't worry us, like when FiL was having his heart tested...

I guess I just don't know how to 'do' family

Outside looking in, from your posts, your own family was clearly dysfunctional or you wouldn't have been in care; you have a lot of resentment - I'd take a guess that you resent your DHs 'normal' family and you've allowed it to build up.

You're whole post just screams "angry" and if you are like that with them no wonder they don't want to be anywhere near you. Are you sure your relationship with them was 100% cordial before the lunch cancellation?

No idea how old you are, or MIL or indeed MILs mother (maybe in her 80's or 90's) and no why would you want to worry an octogenarian about job loss and the like?

I think you're nit picking, looking for excuses to isolate DH away from his family so you can create your own unit against the world.

DH has isolated himself, well not really isolated as I said he still sees them, but he's a grown adult who makes his own choices and he has been disappointed in them.

I am angry yes but I don't act angry when I see them, but I used to a long time ago. I go along with the fake happy smiling stuff in person because it's rude not to.

From writing this post I've realised that the way I feel around them is the same way I used to feel when I was forced to go to church by my ex's family who kicked me out during my A-Levels for having pre-marital sex. What a weird connection.

Your in laws do want a relationship with you and your dc. You are scared of rejection so push them away first.
Arrange to take your mil for lunch, often.
Relationships are made over time.
Give them another chance.

You're probably right Ivor. I am scared of rejection. I was rejected by my own mother, then my ex's mother, and I guess it makes it hard to trust MiL.
I guess things can't go on this way forever for the sake of my DCs and even though my DH doesn't say anything I think he would be happier if we got on.

If your in laws have children as young as 18 maybe they have been looking forward to a few years with no responsibility except to themselves. Your mil works, maybe she doesn't want to spend her weekends minding your children.
If you have 3 children under 5 maybe now is not the time to do a course. You may have to postpone it if you can't manage it.

It seems they can't win, if they invite is either bit good enough or suspect their motives. Not going to visit when DH did is odd, visits like that are usually as a family (except odd occasions) and they might get the feeling you don't like them much, I also wonder why DP stopped going, you say because they expected too much contact (but of a contradiction) but maybe they asked after you, or he felt awkward with you not going. Offer the olive branch, if 3 kids won't fit in their car why not invite them on family days out so you all spend time together? That's also good for the children. I hope you are having MH support as this seems a lot more to do with your experiences and projections than them.

People do not have a responsibility to fill the role in your life you have decided they should have. Of course you can reject what they do offer, but most people try to gently move towards the relationship they would prefer, and at times accept that what is available is all they are going to get.