To think I have gone very wrong somewhere?

[LRH1983]

I am 35 and have a beautiful 18 month old son who I adore. That's where the good ends.

My son's father, who was the love of my life, cheated on me while I was pregnant and we split up shortly before our son was born. He is an excellent, involved and attentive father but he has moved on from our relationship and I haven't. I miss him, and still love him. As an aside (and this is not the focus, just another factor) I desperately wish my son could have a sibling, and am super broody, which adds another layer of upset.

I lost my job a few weeks ago- I work in a very male dominated industry and, although I am very good at what I do, I was unable to put in the hours necessary to succeed. I don't know how to do anything else and have very few other job prospects. I have enough money saved that I don't have to panic, and my ex is very generous with his financial support, but I feel like a useless piece of shit.

I have lived in the same city for 5 years and have exactly 2 friends to show for it. If they are busy (which they usually are as they have their own families) I have no prospect of making plans. I'm not naturally outgoing and although I have acquaintances aplenty, I am rubbish at "converting" them into friendships. My ex has our son tonight and I am sitting at home alone. I live in a city notoriously difficult to make friends and even more so to date, so I genuinely see no hope of meeting anyone either for friendship or romance, especially as I'm not working.

I feel hopeless. I am a good, dedicated, loving mother and I love my son fiercely. But he can't be everything to me.

I studied hard, I've worked hard, I have been in love. I'm nice, funny, and not unattractive (though at the moment I'm half a stone heavier than I'd like to be as I've been comfort eating and I CAN'T STOP, which obviously makes me feel even worse)...where the fuck have I gone wrong? Why am I such a hopeless failure??!

Aibu to genuinely worry that I am too old to fix whatever mistakes it was that led me to this point?

You are never to old to fix things if things need fixing.

I'm sorry you are going through this at the moment. My experience of the lowest point of my life (when I was older than you are now) - feeling like a failure and being convinced that life would never improve - is that times like this are just a spot on a timeline.

Where you are now is just that - where you are now. Things move on and change. Things will get better.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time at the moment.

By the way, is there a chance you may be depressed. It might be worth having a chat with your GP?

Thank you for replying, EyePatch.

No, I don't think I'm depressed. I have suffered from OCD and anxiety on and off my entire life but I actually feel quite well on that front at the moment, and have done for a while. I saw a counsellor for a while when I was pregnant because I had some serious anger issues (understandably, I realise) but now I think I'm just feeling...trapped. I would dearly love to live closer to my friends and family (they live on the other side of the world) but my ex has a job and a life here and wouldn't even think about leaving...and as long as he is here, I have to be here.

You are not a useless piece of shit at all.

I'm not good with advice, sorry, but just read this so posting to bump the thread so that others that are better equipped to advise and help can.

Oh sorry, my internet cut out and I wrote that before you responded to the other user. You are not too old and have made no mistakes to fix, you can work towards the things you speak about in your OP but you haven't made any mistakes imo.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I haven’t been where you are but I did have a long, enduring relationship break up which I had been in since my early teens. He was much older than me and we were together until I was in my early 20s. I had known him since childhood and I also thought that he was the love of my life. I sought counselling when I realised that we had been broken up over two years and I still cried for him each night: it was unhealthy.

What helped me was “switching the narrative” which was something that I was introduced to by an amazing therapist. He made me realise that whilst I thought of my ex as The Love of my Life, I couldn’t get past it (because who wants to get past The Love of Their Life?) I had to change the story so that the story could continue, and he made me see that by telling myself that this was it, the best was behind me, that that was a complete story in of itself I wasn’t allowing the next chapter to be written.

That might sound like wank but it helped me greatly. I understand that having a baby to him adds a new layer of complication and that it’s not that simple.

As for your social life, can you utilise any child care.... however sporadic, to take up a hobby? My own experience is that that’s how you meet someone more organically than through dating like it’s a job interview.

Good luck. The best is yet to come!

Can your get further qualifications to improve your job prospects?

Attending toddler groups is a good way to meet people although the conversations are usually about children.

Oh, OP. Hugs

Fake it till you make it - get out there and meet people. Take French, join a baby group. book group, writing workshop, volunteer, get going.

It takes time to get over a great love. but you'll get there.

Which city is notoriously difficult to make friends in? London?

Have you had a look at the Meet Up website? There are usually loads of things to do on there.

Hey OP,
What PP said up thread is excellent advice, the first step is to stop thinking about your ex as the love of your life. The man cheated on his pregnant partner, as hard as it may be to realise this - this is not a man you want to be with. You deserve more, and you will find it.
Every time you find yourself thinking of it, stop and repeat to yourself that he is not a good partner. Yes, he may be a good father, but a good partner he was not. Block out all thoughts with the repairing that he was not good to you. Sounds like hippy bollocks, and it will feel like hippy bollocks to start with, but once your mind starts hearing that he is not good for you more than its hearing he's the love of your life, it'll begin the believe it and you'll move on.

As for friends and dating - Internet. Meet Up has a billion different activities going on in practically every city in the world and is a great resource for those who are naturally more introverted, as the meet ups tend to be geared for this type of person.
Online dating is, at worst, a good laugh and a way to pass time in the evening window shopping and having a giggle at the nutters in lycra pig suits hoping to get lucky (true story).

Being fired is absolutely shit, but again my hippy bollocks is coming out, these things tend to happen for a reason. I've just waded through the shittest 5 years one could ever imagine (joke bad, people think I'm making it up) to this year land a six figure job that I love.

I absolutely promise you that life will get better. I swear it.

Thank you all so much.

No, I'm not in London. Similar type of city but I'm not in the UK. My family are a day's flight away and I don't think that helps.

The meetups thing isn't that well developed here, but I do keep an eye on it. A lot of the meetups seem to be focussed on drinking and while I love a drink, I feel like they would attract a pretty young crowd and not be the sort of event to meet friends.

My son is in childcare during the weekdays so toddler groups are mostly out. Don't get me wrong, we do have a social life, but I feel like it's always me doing the chasing, if you know what I mean. It also doesn't help that my mastery of the local language isn't great, so I am pretty much limited to the Expat community, who tend to be either young and fairly transient, or settled with families.

Sigh. Sorry- I know I sound like I'm being really negative about al your wonderful suggestions, and I really do appreciate it...I'm just feeling shit.

What about joining a gym/health club to attend when your ex has your DS? You might meet someone lovely there, lose the few pounds which are making you feel insecure, and keep yourself busy and mind occupied all in one go?

Oh and re exP...I'm not still in love with him, and I know he treated me like shit and therefore wasn't the one for me. When I said the love of my life I mean more that I felt he was at the time. But I am still really hurting and really struggling to get over it. If that makes sense.

I had no time for the gym while I was working- now that I'm not I've been able to go most days but I get in, do my workout and get out. It's a fairly basic gym with no classes so I have literally no idea how I would meet anyone there (though for the record there are always some really hot guys there!).

Also I haven't had sex since a good while before my son was born, and I'm aware that my body has changed. I would like to have a sex life, but I feel too frightened to even think about trying (it was a traumatic birth and I have had some problems coping with the aftermath, it's affected how I feel about my body, being touched etc).

Sorry, I know that all seems like a big drip feed, it's stuff that's only really occurring to me as I write. Maybe therapy would be a good idea after all

The gym is a good suggestion & you are not a hopeless failure-You are raising a child, where is that a failure?
Are there any local language classes for the native tongue? You could get better at the lingo & make new friends...
I made a few really good friends through baby groups & later on through school so maybe an option?

OP, I am separated, he’s got the kid tonight, I’m home alone :)
I’m about to cook, I’ll put some music on, my apron and I’ll make something to eat and a lemon drizzle cake :) Half the cake will go to my neighbours tomorrow, I haven’t said hi to them in ages.
Would you care to join me in this riveting exciting evening, you’re more than welcome :)

2 1/2 years ago, I left the man I'd been with for 20 years. I was in a rubbish job and had to move house. I thought I was stuck. My kids were teenagers. I lost loads of friends who stuck by him.

Move on to now. I've organically made new friends, I've got myself a good job and I'm with a lovely man. I'm 48. You're never too old!

OP I feel your pain. Im you except much fatter ,(working on that) 3 kids and 7 years older.

No idea how I'm going to get over this shitfest tbh but I do know its important to acknowledge your feelings and accept the upset iykwim..

Why thank you, 8Fencing. I am currently drinking wine and catching up on this week's Masterchef. It's a rock & roll lifestyle I'm leading here.

Lemon drizzle...mmmm. My neighbours are grumpy bastards so I can't palm cake off on them (well I could...it might even cheer them up...but I don't want to) so I just don't bake. Safer all round.

Does anyone have any experience of internet dating? Is it as full of creeps and weirdos as everyone says?

Madlizzy thank you for your inspiring experience, it's so good to hear from someone who has turned it round

Soso- sorry to hear you're feeling the same way. It's shit, isn't it?

OP - the thing is, you’re basically berating yourself for not being perfect when the chips are down. News flash - the only time you get within an inch of perfect is when the chips are very definitely up. When the chips are down, put your head between your knees and give yourself a massive cheer for just getting by! And for your job - don’t look at your ‘role’, look at your skills - what does your skills profile look like and where else could that apply? Technical knowledge is not all, practical capabilities are highly prized - which means you can move successfully into other industries.

Its shit. Yup. I keep hearing that I'm not doing anything wrong per se.

If that's the case then the phrase "you make your own luck" is tosh.

I believe there is something innately wrong/badly wired going on with me. I don't feel I can accept it though because to do so means I resign myself to more years of misery and bad fortune.

I understand I'm supposed to accept my situation, it is my present. But it's hard. I think I blur the lines between acceptance and resignation.

Utter guff probably....

You sound smart and loving. I'm hopeful that it's a blip in your life and you will turn it around OP.

Chin up xx

Just finished prepping the meal, about to tackle the lemon drizzle :)
I’m boring, no alcohol here, but I’ll have a virtual one with you.

No experience of internet dating, I met DP by accident, I was NOT looking for a relationship, he just popped into my life by sheer luck, I’m not lettig him go anywhere soon :)

Well good luck to you, and enjoy the cake!

I ended my wild Friday night by falling asleep on the couch in front of Masterchef. Probably drooling. I can't imagine why I've been unlucky in love.

Night night all. Thank you for your lovely words this evening, and the very best to those of you also struggling with similar issues.

Meant to say - I met lovely man on Plenty of Fish. Yes, there are a load of weirdos on there, but there's the odd gem.