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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to worry that my friends think I’m jealous of them?

17 replies

roseannabanana · 13/04/2018 17:47

I have a group of 6 friends (including me) who I’ve known since I was about 13. I met them through a youth group . I went to the same school as one of them, the other four went to two different schools in our hometown.

Out of the group I am the only one who isn’t academic. They all did A levels and got all A’s.

I didn’t get into the sixth form at my school to do a levels and was devastated, as they know. Instead, i went to college instead to train as a hairdresser. I soon found it really suited me and that I was glad I didn’t have to do exams any more.

They all went off to Russell Group unis to study Law, medicine, engineering and geography. I started working in a salon.

Now, 15 or so years later, I still live in our hometown. I really love working as a hairdresser. It’s the perfect fit for me and I earn a decent amount. They are all doctors/lawyers/engineers/teachers now, and live around the country, but we try to all meet up every 3-4 months.

That is really great, I love that their making the effort to keep up the friendship and they’re all such lovely people. The only issue is that I feel like they worry that I’m a bit jealous of them (I’m not), and try to play down their jobs/achievements/lives when they’re around me. They’ll go on about how lucky I am that I started working at 18, rather than at 22-23 like them, about what a head start I have professionally...

If I mention something that’s gone well for me, they all go on about how amazing it is.

One of them lives in central London in an amazing flat, but if I ask her what’s that like she goes on about pollution and crime. It’s like their constantly trying to make me feel better about my life.

There was a time when I wished I could have been clever and gone to university like them, but I’m over that now and I’m happy with my life. Do I need to have a conversation with them about this or should I just accept that there trying to be nice.

OP posts:
Grumpbum · 13/04/2018 17:49

It sounds like they’re being nice

pumpkintree · 13/04/2018 17:50

you have nice friends.

Okaynowimconfused · 13/04/2018 17:52

They sound lovely. If you feel close enough with them to mention it then go for it but if you choose not to I don't see a problem with that either.

FranticallyPeaceful · 13/04/2018 17:53

I think they sound lovely

TheOriginalEmu · 13/04/2018 17:54

I do think they probably mean well, but at the same time, i would feel a bit.....patronised i guess? i think if you've been friends for that long, you could maybe have a frank discussion with them. and clearly and kindly let them know how happy it makes you that they care about your feelings, but that they really don't need to worry.

MeanTangerine · 13/04/2018 17:54

Tbf, I know Londoners will pop up instantly to defend the place, but whenever I go there I get grey snot from the pollution and one time or car was broken into and kids' Christmas presents stolen, so she's not lying about the disadvantages of the place.

I think for a lot of English people, playing down one's own achievements is regarded as basic good manners, unless you're in a job interview. Don't read too much into it.

Snoopyokay · 13/04/2018 17:54

They sound really nice as do you! Maybe subconsciously you feel like the odd one out as you didn't study etc.

Bluntness100 · 13/04/2018 17:58

Sounds like thy are good people with good manners. They keep the relationship going. They don't show off and they praise you for your achievements that you're proud of. I suspect you're maybe a little conscious of your life decisions v theirs so maybe sensitive to it. I'd bet good money they mean no harm by it.

Passportto · 13/04/2018 18:00

I'm in a similar position to your friends in that I have a better education and better job than many in my circle.

I do sometimes find myself downplaying just how good my job is and am slightly embarrassed by our "good" car and nice house. However, this is nothing at all to do with me thinking friends might be jealous and all to do with me worrying that they think I'm showing off Blush

MyKingdomForBrie · 13/04/2018 18:02

It sounds more like they are conscious you might think they’re being boastful or snobby. I would just make light of it/ignore it.

villageshop · 13/04/2018 18:03

Dear OP, you sound lovely and so do your friends. I am a bit teary- feeling about your lovely friendship group - I think it's a rare jewel. You are all lucky to have each other but perhaps nothing to do with luck, just a genuinely lovely bunch of friends.

FranticallyPeaceful · 13/04/2018 18:03

Also living in central London is honestly not all it’s cracked up to be. OH has a beautiful flat in zone 1 and I refuse to live there, it’s just miserable. Crime seems to be low (or maybe I just don’t see/hear about it?!) but it’s just so blah and grey and dirty. I live up north with the kids and he works down there.

Chances are they really do mean what they’re saying about it not being great

FranticallyPeaceful · 13/04/2018 18:04

Apartment* same thing?

villageshop · 13/04/2018 18:15

I also think what Passportto said could be part of it:

'I do sometimes find myself downplaying just how good my job is and am slightly embarrassed by our "good" car and nice house. However, this is nothing at all to do with me thinking friends might be jealous and all to do with me worrying that they think I'm showing off'.

I'm in that position too (different, superficially privileged upbringing, boarding school etc) and all my friend are from a similar background to my husband (working class I think people might call it) and I find I don't talk to them about my early life as I fear it might come across as showing off, when it really isn't - it was miserable at the time and I love the seemingly ordinary life I chose, and the people in it.

eggcellent · 13/04/2018 18:24

They just sound like great friends! My group from school have all taken different paths - I'm in admin, one is a doctor and the other one is working in theatre, we are all super encouraging to each other and very happy for each other's achievements. Do you not find that they are like that with each other, too? It could be that they are not singling you out, but that is just the dynamic of the group.

Bluntness100 · 13/04/2018 18:26

I'd also say I'm the highest earner in my friend ship by a very long way. Not becayse they are low earners, they are very much not. But I earn a very high salary, they do know this, we all know each other's salaries and are quite open about money, but I think mainly they forget becausd I never discuss it. I seldom to never talk about what I do but I listen extensively and chat to them about their jobs when they wish to discuss it,

Occasionally if I make reference to something I do they all look at me a bit surprised. I think because I don't talk about it, and because to them I'm just their mate, it's easy to forget.

I also big up their achievements, because I'm pleased for them and interested, they are my friends. I'd be horrified if anyone thought I thought They were jealous of me or that I was patronising them.im not, I just don't like talking about myself and I am genuinely pleased And interested if they achieve something that they are proud of.

I suspect your friends are the same. They are just your friends and would be horrified if they knew what you thought.

feelingfree17 · 13/04/2018 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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