I know I am but I can't help it

[duckquack]

NC for this.

Currently on mat leave with DC2. With DC1 I was a SAHM until they were nearly 2 and then took a PT evening job which I hated to help with our finances as we hit a rough patch. It took a toll on me and DPs personal life as we barely saw each other through the week but it meant I could still look after DC1 in the day and we didn't have to arrange any childcare etc and the money helped towards a few bills.

DC2 came along and the initial idea was for me to SAH as DP said by the end of my mat leave he should be able to bring in the difference of what I earned - he has an extremely high earning potential and my pt wage was a tiny amount compared to his income so I know at some point covering it isn't impossible.

Now it's changed and DP said he won't be able to do it and we will struggle if I don't work. I get it but I didn't prepare myself for this, I hoped I could be with DC2 until they qualified for the free nursery hours and then I could go back to work.
Now it looks like it will be MIL that gets the lovely parts of DC2 growing up, starting to walk and talk and influence them and I'll just be the lady that puts them to bed at night and gets them ready in the morning.

I know I probably sound like I'm throwing my toys out of the pram but I'm just sad, and I feel like I should have been able to do the same for DC2 as I did for DC1. I'm also a bit sad that I will miss those stages as DC2 is our last so there won't be a chance to do it again.

I know there's millions of mums out there that do just fine and go back to work even earlier manage just fine and I'm just being a snowflake but at the moment I can't help how I feel and I'm just trying to work through that initial emotion and get over it.

Can someone hand me a grip please?

What is it that he could do but wont now? Is it just extra hours?

You'll still see the milestones OP. I know you're upset but honestly you're in a fortunate position that you have a family member to care for your baby foc.

And of course you won't just be the lady that puts your dc to bed every night!

"Now it looks like it will be MIL that gets the lovely parts of DC2 growing up, starting to walk and talk and influence them and I'll just be the lady that puts them to bed at night and gets them ready in the morning"

THis is pretty much throwing your toys out of the Pram and is also pretty offensive to working parents......

yeah I’m with user, I get you’re upset but how offensive. Currently snuggled up with one kid off sick from school, he was in nursery from 8 months. I celebrated all the ‘firsts’ and I couldn’t be closer to all my kids.

Yes, how have things changed exactly? And could you cut back really strictly and save money that way?

She's not saying other parents are bad parents or even saying that she should be entitled to see the first whatever's, @duckquack is explaining how she feels
She is not throwing her toys out of the pram.
Of course she is disappointed to have to go to work even though this is not what was originally planned. It's normal to feel like that.

Did your husbands career have to take a backseat? How long until he reckons he will have the pay rise ?

I really feel for you. You poor thing.
You honestly don't sound entitled and I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel like this.
Sit down and talk with your husband and come up with a plan x

@Eliza9917 I don't want to say his exact job as its a bit outing and I've got a few people I know on here but at the moment he's building up his customer base and the more customers the more income, he had to start back in his field from scratch when I started working as he had a business that went south.
He's consistently earning more and more (he's way above an ever age rate of income already) but most of it is going on the debt from the old business so we don't see much of it.
He thought he would be in the position to subsidise my small wage but now he is saying he won't be.

@user5292769 and @DianaPrincessOfThemyscira I'm sorry if I came across as offensive I didn't mean to as I said it's just my initial reaction and I'm trying to get over myself, I know it won't be like that really but I'm just going finding it hard to get my head around not being there for DC2 as much as I was for DC1

Are you going to be working full time days then?

Sadly sometimes life doesn’t go to plan and all you can do is make the most of what is thrown your way.

It will simply make you appreciate the time you do spend with them even more

ok, couldn't he employ you and pay you from the company?

Can you work evenings again then? Bring in money, but still get the days with your child, and then DP spends the evening with them?

You'll have to compromise somehow; that seems like the easiest.

I'm a snowflake too - I was around for most of the first 5yrs of my daughter's life, i worked part time, but early mornings so i was home when she was awake. That's all had to change now, I'm frantically 'breadwinning' so I barely seem to see her :( its fucking shit.

@Eliza9917 he was going to do that but doesn't think the company can afford to do that either.

@AnchorDownDeepBreath can't go back to working evenings as DP has to go away overnights every few weeks for his job so I need to be there to put them down etc.

You have my sympathy OP - that sounds tough and I don't think you "throwing your toys out of the pram".

This is another example of "when you're a mum, everything you do is somehow WRONG" - if you had phrased it as "I've just had a second child and am planning on returning straight to work. I'll hardly get to see my baby, but that's fine - I'll be around to do bedtime and I think that's enough" you would have got a chorus of "OMG, I'll never understand why people even HAVE kids if they're just going to palm them off on someone else" or "Well, if that's what you want, but PERSONALLY I couldn't bear to miss looking after my DCs when they were tiny, they change so fast, magic moments, first steps, etc etc".

It's not being a snowflake to want to be around when your kids are small, OP. And saying that isn't some massive diss of parents who choose not to be (or who don't have a choice).

Hey, just thought I'd let you know that I know how you feel.

OP, so is your husband now saying you need to go back to work full time? If so, it's understandable that you're reeling - to go from not having to go to work at all, to being at work five days a week is quite the jump. Take some time to get your head around it and then start thinking about the practicalities of how it'll work.

If however, he's saying you need to bring in some money from a part-time job I think you're overreacting a little. You won't be just the 'lady putting them to bed' and to say that is, as someone else rightly said, pretty offensive to any of us mothers who also work.

I work full time and my children adore me as much as I adore them. I couldn't be closer to them, and every single morning, evening, weekend, sick day and holiday day, they're right next to me. Your relationship with them won't suffer.

It may not be what you'd choose, but life isn't often that simple. Give yourself some time to get past the 'but this isn't what we'd planned...' mindset, then start thinking of the positives, and trust me, there'll be lots of them.

Your thread title pretty much sums it up. No flaming from me. Hope it all works out for your little clan. Tis just life and all we can do is carry on!

Can't you get a part time job?

That way you're bringing in a bit of cash but not sacrificing too much time?

You are both parents & equals so should share the milestones together with the burden of financing the family.
As a woman & longterm SP I don't agree that we assume men miss out on the milestones whereas its not fair if women miss them. Also the apparent assumption that men have to work to provide financially but that (some) women get to choose not to.
Why not both work parttime eg 3 days per week & share childcare with MIL having them one day?