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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being a bitch?

22 replies

birdsflying · 13/04/2018 09:11

I’m feeling bad about something that I have done and I want to know from the hive mind if I’m justified in feeling bad or weather actually I’ve not acted out that bad.

I have a good friend that I made when our kids were at nursery 5 years ago. Amanda. Our kids became friends and so did we. She is 20 years older than me but age didn’t seem to get in the way. I supported her through her divorce and she was a shoulder to cry on through my health issues. We met for coffee weekly and went on the odd night out. I always had lots of parent friends and invested a lot of time into my friendships. I moved a couple of miles up the road meaning kids transferred schools. We saw less of each other and my work commitments grew and I gained a new friendship circle of people my own age that were childless. I kept these circles apart.

I’m going home this weekend and I hadn’t planned on seeing Amanda. I have now moved 3 hours away. She visited a few weeks back so I thought I’d check in with some folks I’d not managed to see on my last visit. My closest friend had organized a night out and bought me tickets. I was really excited about not thinking about my kids and parent life and letting my hair down with my free and wild friends that are childless (sometimes it’s nice to play in their world haha). So I clicked that I was going to this event not realizing it was public for the world to see.

I get a message of Amanda saying she saw I was going to an event and asking if I was back. She doesn’t know my other friends and sometimes other people find her very floaty and awkward and although I totally love her to bits I didn’t want to babysit her socially. So I told her that I wasn’t sure if I was going as I get in late and have been feeling a bit under the weather and that I may be just havibn dinner in at my friends house but I’d love to see her on the Sunday. It is a struggle to fit this in even but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

Have I done wrong? She hasn’t replied to my message and I think I’ve hurt her. Perhaps I should have just invited her out? What would you have done in this situation?
Really I should just be happy that one of my wonderful friends wants to see me but it has ended up casting a shadow on the weekend as I have been feeling bad. :-(

OP posts:

Pinkvoid · 13/04/2018 09:18

You lied to her and she has seen through it. I’m sure she would have appreciated the honesty a lot more than you bullshitting. Of course you’re going to the event and you should’ve let her know that but no, you didn’t need to invite her.

It depends how much you talk as to whether you should’ve let her know you were back in town but it sounds as though with you moving away and gaining new friends, you have drifted apart. I would (and have been) hurt by my ‘best friend’ since childhood not informing me he was in town, not wanting to meet up and me only knowing because of photos on social media. I imagine she is feeling similarly left out.

hidinginthenightgarden · 13/04/2018 09:22

You should have just told her you had been invited to the event and that that was why you were back. No need to invite her but no need to lie either, (and your lie was rubbish, saying it was a friends birthday would have been a better lie.)

Bluntness100 · 13/04/2018 09:23

Why weren't you honest with her? She asked a simple question, why didn't you just say think so yes, want to meet up Sunday and leave it there?

Mightymucks · 13/04/2018 09:30

Yes, so without all the other flim flam, basically she is a good friend to you and made the effort to do a six hour round trip just to see you. But when you were traveling to where she is you didn’t even make the effort to arrange to meet for coffee. And you obviously think your other friends are too good for her and she would embarrass you in front of them.

That message you sent just makes it painfully obvious you weren’t going to get in touch with her and that you don’t want her coming. I doubt she was even bothered about going to that particular event, but considering she’d made the effort to visit you very recently you should have made the effort to catch up with her while you were home. And honestly, that ‘oh I don’t know if I’m going I might be late’ was a really transparent lie.

Sorry, you’ve been rude and bitchy. She will have the very clear message that she’s the only one making the effort in this friendship and to you she is a third or fourth rate friend you don’t see as worth the effort when you have younger, cooler people to hang out with.

Original poster

birdsflying · 13/04/2018 09:31

I should have just simply asked her if she wanted to meet up Sunday. It wasn’t a lie though as I’m not sure if I’m actually going because I am feeling unwell in which case we are having a quiet one.

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 13/04/2018 09:33

Hmm you are being a bit rude OP, you also seem quite fixated on the fact that that the other people are childless and younger than her.

I'm not sure that there's very much that you can do about it now though.

Mightymucks · 13/04/2018 09:35

Incidentally, has it occurred to you that your ‘wild and free’ young friends see you in exactly the way you see her but are too kind to let on? When I was young and single I would have been mortified by somebody talking about me (‘play in their world’ yuk!) the way you talk about them. It’s a bit, well, sad.

MissionItsPossible · 13/04/2018 09:37

It does sound a bit off. You shouldn't have lied. And now it seems you're using the excuse of feeling unwell to justify yourself on here as well.

Coolaschmoola · 13/04/2018 09:39

'...babysit her socially...'

Well this is an awful comment and even worse thing to think about a 'friend'.

Foxysoxy10 · 13/04/2018 09:41

Tbh it says more about you and your other friends that you think she is too old and embarrassing for your cool mates to meet.

I really hope she finds out exactly what you really think of her.

You sound horrible and if you think your ‘cool’ mates would judge her then they are just as horrible as you.

Foxysoxy10 · 13/04/2018 09:42

Mightymucks has it spot on I think.

pictish · 13/04/2018 09:52

You should have said that yes, you were going and that you don’t have time on this occasion to meet up.
You’re not obliged to schedule her in every time in you’re in the vicinity. It’s fine to be in the area to do something unrelated to her.

pictish · 13/04/2018 09:54

I keep certain groups of friends separate as well btw - don’t feel bad about that. We have different types of friends for different reasons and it’s totally fine to not want to mix them. If you think it would be awkward, it probably would. You don’t want to spend the whole evening making sure Amanda is ok, so don’t. See her another time.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 13/04/2018 09:57

Babysit her socially . What makes you think she can't hold her own amongst your "real" friends?
She's probably better off without you.

pictish · 13/04/2018 10:25

I’m guessing that with the OP actually knowing the people involved, as opposed to them being a passing mention on a forum, she can make a better assumption as to how much they have in common and will relate to each other in person. I’d say that makes it her call, wouldn’t you?

Rudgie47 · 13/04/2018 10:31

If I was Amanda and heard how you were speaking about me then I would end the friendship. I'd never speak to you again.
Your not obliged to see her everytime you return but its the lying and the fact shes made effort to see you that would get me.From what your saying shes well down the friend list. She makes you a priority but its not reciprocated.
Its time for her to call it a day with you I think.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 13/04/2018 10:33

Maybe. But babysit her socially makes her sound a bit simple, as opposed to just having different interests to op's other friends.

Maybe she is, only op would know

Mickyj · 13/04/2018 14:16

I don’t think you are being a bitch. I have also got friends that I like to keep separate. For example my work friends and my old school nerdy friends that play dungeons and dragons- I’m pretty sure I’m saving people from long and uninteresting conversations on both parts. Bankers and nerds. It has nothing to do with thinking people are cool or the age difference it has something to do with people being from different spheres and I get it. You don’t want to be worrying all night about how your friend is doing. I think we all feel a little bit bad when you notice a friend being unincluded but you mentioned seeing her recently. Have you made an effort to see her when you have been back previously?it is nice to get away from parent associations sometimes. The fact you mentioned trying to squeeze her in for a coffee shows that you care besides having lots of weekend plans. I don’t think this sort of thought process warrants disregarding you as a friend- if the world was peep show I think we would all be sacked from time to time.