To not want to move back to home town

[stretchmarkqueenie]

I moved 200miles away from home when I was 18 and since then have always lived that far away with no intention of moving back. No ill feeling about my home town, it's just very very rural, not a lot going on and I love living in the greater London area, commuting to the city and have found a lovely area to raise our family etc. Recently my grandmother has been diagnosed with dementia and my DF is starting to do a lot of caring for her - which has lead to comments from my DF and DSM about the obligation I would have to become their carers if they so need. Now that it's more common for people to move away from their home town just wondered what people do when parents need caring for?

You are not being unreasonable. I live on London and I’m pregnant for the first time. Going to be a challenge as it’s an expensive place and difficult to balance work /baby. Plus we only have a 2 bed flat on the first floor. BUT I don’t want to leave. this is seen as total and utter madness by many people- including my mother who has been mounting a campaign to get me to go home to Scotland. It I think the issue is she is wondering what will happen to her when she’s old. (Funnily enough she doesn’t do this to my brothers who also live here).

My attitude may be selfish but you don’t have kids just to look after you in old age. They are free to do what they want. My mum was a great feminist who encouraged me to follow my career. So she can’t just change her tune when she thinks of her own needs. I certainly don’t want my baby to feel obliged to look after me when I’m old. Plus this expectation puts pressure on the relationship that actually makes you less inclined to visit.

My attitude is that you can cross that. Ridge when it comes to it. There are no issues now and hopefully won’t be for a while. I hope my parents learn from the experience of their own elders who caused complete mayhem in old age. My two granscrefused to leave their own homes despite living in completely inappropriate accommodation that was too big. Constant falls and issues that could all have been avoided if they’d accepted care and moved in to sheltered housing. Old people have a responsibility to care for themselves too.

Yanbu. You'd have to give up your life. Its not like 100 years ago when men had to support a wife, you have to earn your own living.

I've told my lot to bung me in a home when the time comes, and live their lives to the full.

LaurG I know what you mean about the campaigns on coming back home. It's so ironic because my step mum particularly I know loves to talk up her step daughter working a good job in the city to others but to me I get the guilt trip of they barely get to see my DCs 'will he have forgotten about us?' type questions - they see him every month so it's a bit OTT.

Thanks for putting it so well about people still being responsible for themselves in old age. I don't mean to sound selfish but I've built a life down here that I love and moving 'back home' would take my life the opposite way to what I've worked for. Also I have DCs to provide for and consider now, uprooting them is not what I want to do. Even thinking really far ahead I want them to have a base that is commutable to the city so they don't have to leave at 18 for job prospects and can avoid paying rent instead stay with us if they wish and actually save for a home of their own!

I think next time it comes up I'll say they'll have to move down here! I know they're thinking of the good old days where everyone lived within 5 mins of each other but it just isn't like that anymore.

I do have a DB up there with them. Though I'm sure they know he might not be as useful as me!

Constant falls and issues that could all have been avoided if they’d accepted care and moved in to sheltered housing. Yes, and given up on their life. What is the point of living till 80 or 100 if your later years are cooped up in sheltered housing or a care home and you have to give up all the things that make your life worth living? So yes, older people are going to live in places that you feel are inappropriate. But if you don't live nearby, you won't be able to offer support (and even if you do live nearby, if your life is full you won't be able to offer support).

stretch have you asked them why they think you would be obliged to be their carer, and not your DB? You'd have thought that as your DF is the one caring for his own mother they wouldn't have fallen as readily into the "female equals carer" sex stereotype.

Sheltered housing can provide complete independence, but with wardens on hand. They are perfect for people who want to retain their active lifestyle but with a lot of the worries taken away. Not the same as a nursing home. Yanbu, OP.

@MereDintofPandiculation Sheltered housing is not a care home. They are just places where there is someone there to check all is well and have a lift/ground floor access. My last ran wouldn't leave her first floor flat which left her completely housebound. That was really giving up her life not moving to a nice McArthy and Stone in a lovely area with daily social contact and extra care available if needed. It had a horrid impact on my parents and their marriage as they had to go there every day, Eventually my mum had to wash her as well. My Gran was lucky as she had the money and resources to move. Many do not.

@stretchmarkqueenie the job issue is the same for me. I work in quite a niche area so London is the only place I have good long term job prospects. I move anywhere else in the UK and I will be stuck in the the one job available until I retire. Jobs are not everything but it is important to be happy and fulfilled by work.

Its really not fair that daughters get lumped with it too. My bro gets let off scott free. As I said, my mum is a real 1960s feminist and encouraged me to chase a career so it is really hypocritical for her to expect me to just give it up. She wanted to make me alone her power of attorney oner her but I refused and said id only do it jointly with my bro. Why should I be responsible for them and have to make all the decisions.

I ve no intention of moving home, especially not to care for someone. I live in London and that’s that.
My kids can put me in a home too, fine by me.

YANBU - no-one should have children in order to have someone to care for them later in life. That's certainly not why DH and I had ours, and why we are trying to provide for our old age. My DSis lives around 300 miles away from our home town, I live about 15, but used to live about 350 miles away. I don't think it has ever entered our parents' heads that we must be nearby to care for them (they are quite old already). Obviously it's nice to look out for them and make sure they are ok, but being a carer, no.

I wouldn't move back to my northern home village to care for my parents either, as I have a life in the South, so YANBU. However, I do think that people like us shouldn't then whinge if we don't get huge inheritances either - elderly parents may choose to give most of their money to the offspring who were closest to them and help more with their care. There are swings and roundabouts with independence.

I come from a culture where it us normal for three generations of a family to live together and all help each other. Unfortunately due to several bouts of immigration, tiny modern houses and a general loss of wealth over the last hundred years that just isn't possible. One of my parents died young, the other is overseas caring for their parent (dementia also). I don't want to move back (it wouldn't be the end of the world but I prefer it here) but I feel incredibly guilty for being so far from them and a bit grieved that my children miss out in having the intimate relationship with grandparents that I did as a child. I don't know what I will do when the time comes for me to care for my parent. I could move back but that would mean moving away from my children. Or I could ask my parents to move but that would mean that they would have to leave behind their home and friends. I think I will move back temporarily because I really love him and don't want him to experience any hardship in his old age after he has been so dutiful towards his family. But I wouldn't have done it for the other parent because we just weren't close. I think it depends on how close you are in the end. Ironically what they are doing to you now will only make you less likely to move back and take care of them.

It’s not your responsibility to care for your stepmum if she has her own daughter that she bigs up, surely? Maybe the comments will stop if you make it clear that your responsibilities, whatever they are in their heads, begin and stop with your dad?

With previous generations there were fewer older people and greater numbers of younger people available to look after them
now we are getting towards a situation similar to Japan with increasing numbers of elderly people and just not enough younger people to assist them

We need incentives for people to plan for their later years to include moving into suitable accommodation where they are near to amenities not isolated in large houses where it quickly becomes difficult to live independently

As for three generations of a family living together of course it has some advantages but they are major downsides, mostly that it's stifles progressiveness and individuality
How can you realise your potential as an adult if you never really spread your wings and leave your hometown how can you develop your own career if you are forever obligated to your parents.

A wealthy country ought to be able to organise itself so that has a social care system for elderly people who can't live independently staffed by professionals with an aptitude for care work rather than grudging and resentful offspring

which has lead to comments from my DF and DSM about the obligation I would have to become their carers if they so need

There's no such obligation, though. Whatever you do, don't move back. Make it clear to them that your life and plans lie elsewhere and that you have no intention of ever becoming their carers.

You could suggest that they move closer to where you live and into age appropriate accommodation. I think that some people have 'ideas' about what they would like, but don't take into account other peoples lifestyles. I had a relative who was ill for some time and I suggested that they came to stay with me. This suggestion was refused. It meant that I travelled every weekend 300 miles to provide care, sometimes mid week too. The relative has since made a miraculous recovery for which I am grateful. However, how long was this sustanable costs monetary, emotionally, time ? I think that there needs to be compromise on both sides. Some people have no family or friends that live close by.

I have also been requested to give up my job and return to home town to provide care. I refused, not because I don't care. It turns out that at the current time the full time care is not actually required and they live independently. It would have meant me giving up my independence and my current lifestyle. I still visit regularly, although I have moved further away. Be careful, these sort of decisions can be life changing

the obligation I would have to become their carers if they so need.

The only answer to that is: hahahahahaha, no.

I told my parents that I am happy to care for them when they need it but they will have to move here (100 miles away). They are fine with it. I have the time and space and my sibling has the money but no time

Thanks for all the messages telling me not to feel obliged, helped me feel like IANBU. Totally happy to help if they move closer of course, that's a great way to reframe it, and I'll make that point next time it comes up!
DF does have a sister that lives a few hours away and still works full time but DSM is really pushing that my aunt and DF should share caring duty 50/50, I think she's perhaps a bit miffed overall about my DFs time being taken up and it's leading to a bit of negativity about anyone that has moved away from home!

I would never dream of relying on my DC to look after me, I'd want them to get on making the most of their lives!

To the poster that mentioned expectation of inheritance, if my parents passed with not a penny left I'd think good on them for making the most of what they had whilst they were here! Certainly not expecting anything financially from them at all.

For the poster that said what about DSMs daughter, sorry for not being clear. DSM doesn't have children the daughter she's proudly telling everyone about having a good job in the city is me, I was pointing out how ironic it is that I'm used as a bragging point in that way to others (she is very showy so to speak, I'm not blowing my own trumpet by any means!), but to me I get guilt tripped about not living closer to them so they can see DC more.