Thinking there’s something wrong with me?

[KateGrey]

I have three kids (10,8,5) my younger two both have autism. The youngest is semi verbal. The last few years have been hard as I’m the main carer. We’ve had hell getting our youngest into school and she’s faced illegal exclusions, being kept separate from her peers and in general being treated badly. Also her sleep has been all over the place. My middle son has struggled to settle back into school this year. The thing is I’m exhausted. I took on a job a few months back working from home part time as I thought maybe doing something for me would be good. But it has added more stress. My dh has a good job but all things related to the kids falls to me. I partly feel his life is unchanged. He still goes out up to three times a week (he has moaned he could end up resenting me because of his lack of leisure time). I just feel like I’m drowning. I’m tired all the time, I’ve put on so much weight (which I’m really ashamed about), and I just can’t seem to be motivated. I care for the kids day to day and I love them but I feel they’re not nearly getting enough of me. I feel like I’m just plodding. Trapped and tired. My dh says I should “do a spin class” but I just can’t find the energy. I just don’t know what to do now. We’re still batting with the school (a move is on the cards). But I feel like a terrible parent. I’d never leave them but some days I feel like running away.

Sound like you have a huge amount to contend with. The fact that you are worrying abt giving even more of yourself to you DC’s tells me you are doing a great job. Can you do something for yourself each week that just gives you a little escape. A coffee and to read a book or a walk or to go swimming. 💐 xx

It sounds like you're trying to do everything well. To put it bluntly, you can't. We all need support and you need to be able to separate; work, kids, house. For your own sanity, think about how this can happen. Fuck his nights out!

You need a break, just to get away from your kids for a while. We all feel like that sometimes, and as you've got so much extra stress it's even more important that you get to detatch for a while and recharge your batteries.

You need to spell this out to your dh and make sure he's got your back. Him, resenting you???? Reality check needed.

Your partner is being a selfish twat. When's the last time you had three nights out per week? Tell him nights out and leisure time should be equal. So should caring for the dc on weekends.

Bless you- you must be exhausted!!!! We have this thing in my house called 'reset days' which is a day of doing ABSOLUTLY nothing in order to recharge our batteries! What about a night away in a hotel by yourself? chocolates, books and sleep to recharge! no kids, no tasks just a complete switch off! You need the energy for all the fighting you have been doing! DH gets his time away so shouldn't be a problem you getting yours. xxx

Go see your GP and get your bloods checked out for problems that cause tiredness, such as anemia.
Your partner is acting like he's single and you're his help. He needs to step up, and if he doesn't want to he can fork out for a cleaner and other help.
You need time to yourself to recover and decompress

I understand where you are coming from as I have two with asd. Things that have helped me are:

1. Finding something I can do by myself once a week - I do body balance -kind of yoga type thing
2. Going out for a drink or meal once a fortnight with a friend
3. Getting my kids into a school where I am not constantly being called to sort stuff out. (this is obviously easier said than done, but I battled with LA to get mine into a specialist school and whilst the stress nearly killed me I now do not have to worry about them being excluded etc and they both are happy to go.)

I also work nearly full time and whilst that is in itself tiring and stressful, it gives me something else to focus on, although ideally I would work much less hours if I could afford it.

also meant to mention melatonin (available via GP) is good for helping autistic kids to get off to sleep. My eldest uses it and has done so for many years. You can't function forever on shit sleep. If you see your gp about this you can explain that poor sleeping is having an effect on your dc ability to cope at school.

What would your DH day if you advised him that you are worried you will end up resenting him if you don’t get time off?

Why are you inextricably linked with the children, while he isn’t?

Seriously, fuck that.

I have one with ASD and one NT and am also permanently exhausted but I'm no longer married. Your husband really needs to start parenting. It isn't fair or sustainable that the burden falls entirely on you. Get help in. Get a cleaner and think about hiring a career?

Carer, sorry